


Operation Kill Vern Schillinger

by SalemDae_45



Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Drug Use, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Racist Language, Sexual Content, Triggers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 12:21:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 40,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalemDae_45/pseuds/SalemDae_45
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobias Beecher thought he was getting his life back on track. After testifying against accused murderer Vern Schillinger, Tobias entered the Witness Protection Program.  He fell in love, stopped drinking excessively, forgave his past, and learned to move on from the deaths of his wife and son.  </p><p>While on a surprise dinner date with his lover, Chris Keller, Tobias was attacked by Vern and his accomplices.  </p><p>Two years later, Tobias is still healing from his psychological wounds.  When he received news of his father's death (which may not have been of natural causes), Tobias decides he had enough. He vowed to make those who tried to kill him pay, especially Vern Schillinger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

[Artwork Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/998059)  


_Tobias Beecher was thirty minutes late for work. He had another argument with his wife about his “problem”.  He didn’t want to inherit that bad habit from his father side, but being a lawyer is not an easy profession._

_Tobias took another swig from his flask he kept hidden in the glove compartment.  There were other places he hid it, to make sure Gen doesn’t bitch about his habit.  As long as he can function and maintain appearances, he’s doing fine._

_He put the flask back in the compartment.  He was about to get out of the car until he glanced at himself through the rearview mirror.  He never had puffy eyes, cracked skin, or age spots.  His whole appearances cried exhaustion and intoxication.  He knew the answer, but it was better not to dwell on it._

_Tobias grabbed his suitcase and got out of the car.  He walked quickly inside the Beecher & Sons office, a fifteen stories, blue building with tinted windows to disguise the legal or illegal doings of the employees.  If everything goes according to plan, it will belong to Tobias, but only if he doesn’t screw up.  He greeted the sectary whose rosy smile send shivers up his spine.  That was another demon that needed to stay hidden from Gen._

_He pressed the elevator button and waited, hoping his client was not there. When the doors finally open, Tobias entered it.  He watched the doors closed until a hand came between them and pushed them apart._

_Tobias quickly stood up straight.  He straightened his tie, brushed back his hair, and hoped he didn’t appear near drunk._

_The man who entered the elevator was near his mid-fifties with salt and pepper hair.  He had broad shoulders and very neat nails, clipped and trimmed to perfection.  His suit fitted his muscular frame, making him intimidating. This man could end his career in one word, but the man, also known as Davis” The Judge” Williams, is a family friend._

_“Hello Tobias.  How are you this morning?” he greeted.  He kept a stern posture but had a bright smile._

_“Good.  I’m having a meeting with one of my clients.  Hoped he isn’t there yet.” He laughed nervously._

_“Really?  What is his name?”_

_“Um…Mr. Vernon Schillinger. He shot a store clerk named Thomas Mitchell.  He likes to plea not guilty by reason of self-defense.  It’s going to be tricky.” Tobias sighed.  He found out about the case over the weekend when he was having a martini with a couple of friends. He barely had a chance to look over it or remember much of the weekend._

_“I’ll see. The juries love sympathy.  It is your duty to get their attention and make sure he’s acquitted.”_

_“I hope I can.  I have one of my assistants to look—”_

_The Judge pulled out a file from his suitcase and handed it to Tobias, who took it without a second glance._

_“I’ve taken care of it, Tobias.  I know you will handle this case with the best of your ability.  It was why I picked you for it.”_

_“You…you picked me to handle the case?”  Tobias stuttered, looking directly at him._ This was a mistake _, he thought in disbelief._

_“Why yes.  Vernon and I grew up together, participated in the same clubs.  Unfortunately, life got to him and we departed ways soon after.  It was miracle I saw him a few months ago.  He wanted a new start and if he doesn’t get off, he won’t be able too.  You do believe in giving people second chances, right, Tobias?” He asked with a glint in his light blue eyes._

_Tobias nodded. “Yes, I do.  As a defense attorney, we have to believe in second chances, or pretended too,” he laughed._

_The Judge didn’t said word which made Tobias shut his mouth and look at the file in front of him.  Soon the elevator doors opened and they exited it.  They walked in silences until Tobias’ personal sectary said,_

_“Mr. Beecher, a Mr. Schillinger is in your office.”_

_“Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds.” Tobias said as The Judge and he headed towards his office._

_“Like I said before, Vernon is trying his best to start a new life here and it hasn’t been easy.”_

_“I understand, Mr. Williams, he’s in the right hands.” Tobias opened the door and saw his new client sitting across from his desk._

_Vernon Schillinger was a sharp dress man, wearing a gray pinned stripe suit.  However, Tobias eyes went directly to the two dark eyes tattooed on the back of his head.  They were staring at him, hauntingly, as if reading him from afar._

_Vernon looked over his shoulder and smiled at Tobias.  It was a friendly, respectable smile, but the most chilling one he ever seen._

_“Mornin’ Davis.” Vern stood from his seat and gave his old friend a hug._

_“Good to see you, Vern,” The Judge released him, before he turned his attention to Tobias, “This is Tobias Beecher, the man I was telling you about over the phone.  You are in good hands.” The Judge introduced them._

_“Nice to meet you, Mr. Schillinger.” Tobias forwarded his hand._

_The smile remained on Vern’s face as he shook Tobias’ hand. “The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Beecher.”_

_The scene change rapidly.  Tobias was no longer in his office, but driving in his car.  He took another sip from his flask when he saw an ambulance and numerous police cars parked in his driveway.  He stopped in the middle of the road once he saw two bodies covered in white sheets rolled from his house._

_Tobias dropped the flask as he jumped out of the car and ran towards them._

_“You can’t go in there, sir!” one of the police officers yelled._

_Tobias didn’t listen.  He ran towards the bigger of the bodies, reaching out to touch it._

_“Get back!”_

_Suddenly, his house explored into pieces.  The flame came out of the garage, consuming everything in its way.  He kneeled to the ground, tears coming down his face as Vern’s laugher echoed through his ears._

_“I’ll always have my way, Mr. Beecher…”_

Tobias awoke from his slumber.  He raised his head from the headrest and quickly adjusted to his surroundings. 

 

He wasn’t in his former office or kneeling in front of his once beautiful house from two years ago.  Instead, he was in the passenger’s side of the car, listening to David Ruffin’s powerful vocals on “My Girl.”  His eyes landed on the person opposite of him whose tapping his fingers on the steering wheel while whistling to the song. 

 

Tobias groaned.  He hit his head against the chair. _It’s having again,_ he thought.  Ever since he left Witness Protection, the dreams became recurrent.  If he had a good night sleep, it was rare.  He wished he could have one night of peace without having those nightmares plague his thoughts.

 

Tobias looked out the window. It was dark, they were nowhere near their destination, or as Chris claimed, “his surprise”.

 

“Where are we going?” Tobias asked.

 

Chris Keller, his current lover, chuckled. “It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you. Just relax, baby, we’re almost there.”

 

“You said that an hour ago,” Tobias paused when he noticed the deadly glare from Chris, “but if you insist.” Tobias returned his attention to the window. 

 

They have been on the road for five hours.  Chris had a surprise for him and they had to leave quickly if they want to make it on time.  At first, it was fun, but as minutes turned into hours, Tobias wanted to get there as soon as possible. 

 

They drove passed restaurants with lines stretching to the end of the block and movie theatres showing the latest films.  Plenty of people were walking down the street, having a good time celebrating the weekend. 

 

The roads were semi-full with cars.  He was glad for it.  The last thirty minutes¸ they were on deserted roads, barely any buildings or any sign of civilization.  Part of him wanted to yell at Chris for taking him on another dangerous adventure. He would rather have a quiet weekend at home, reading a book or making love to Chris or both.  But, the other part of him loved the adventure, the thrill of going to places he didn’t know well.

 

It was because he trusted Chris. He loved him unconditionally.

 

For the last two years, Tobias had been living in his own personal hell.  He lost everything the day he met Vern Schillinger. He killed his wife and infant child after he resigned from being his lawyer and testified against him on charges of first degree murders for the deaths of Thomas Mitchell and Michael Chang.  Two different cases with the same motives. 

 

Tobias paid the price.  Not only with the deaths of his family, but his own sanity.  He’s always looked behind his shoulder, thinking Vern is following him despite being locked up.  He had recurrent nightmares which kept him up for hours on end.  He thought he would never trust anyone and continued living as a hermit.   

 

Then he met Chris Keller who helped him live again.  They’ve been together for six months and he never felt any better.  He can smile.  He can leave his house without panicking.  He can feel safe. He was able to move on, grieve for his deceased family, and put the Vern behind him.

 

Which was why Tobias left the Witness Protection, he no longer believed Vern was a threat.  It was a bad move, but it was time for him to move on. 

 

Until the nightmares begin.  It started as little glimpses in between his regular dreams. Soon it turned into full length scenes, reliving the events of his past.  He hid it from Chris, but eventually, Tobias had to tell him.

 

Tobias watched the snow fall to the ground.  He forgot the weatherman called for light snow.  He didn’t mind it, though; he loved the snow.

 

Winter was almost over which means spring was around the corner. For Tobias, it meant a new beginning for his life.  He was in love with Chris, lived in a beautiful house, and loved his job. In spite of his nightmares, he believed it will pass.  It had to pass.

 

Tobias snapped out of his thoughts and noticed Chris gripping the steering wheel, eyes narrowed, and quiet as a mouse. He was no longer the cheerful man he saw whistling to the Temptation.  He was replaced with a man who was cold and distant.  Even threatening.

 

“What’s wrong?” Tobias asked.  The closer they were to their destination, the more withdrawn he became. 

 

In less than a second, Chris shook his head and smiled, showing off his white teeth.

 

“We are almost there, Tobe,” Chris exclaimed, making a left turn on Craighead Street.

 

Tobias raised a brow.  That was one of the problems of being with Chris.  He can be charming and playful, but emotionless the next minute.  He knew Chris had a troubled childhood and criminal past.  And there were times he showed his dangerous side without a second thought. Chris was unpredictable and secretive, and it was those moments that Tobias became a little nervous around him.

 

Chris turned into a dim-lidded parking lot and parked behind an old tobacco warehouse. Tobias observed his surroundings, not sure if he wanted to punch Chris.  If this was his surprise, he really wanted to be at home.

 

“Chris, where are we?”

 

Chris smiled. “Follow me.” He got out of the car as Tobias followed him,

 

They walked to the front of the building.  Tobias stopped in his tracks.

 

“Chris…how?” He stuttered, trying to keep his emotions subtle.  It failed miserable.

 

 “I know the owner.  He owed me one for fixin’ his car.  It’s just me and you for tonight.” Chris wrapped his arms around his waist. 

 

Tobias kissed him as the happiness flowed through his body.  He couldn’t believe Chris did it behind his back. 

 

“I knew you wanted to go to this restaurant for months.  So...I set this up for you,” he explained in between the kisses.

 

Tobias glanced at the restaurant.  The St. James’ Bistro was one of the most talked about restaurants in Lexington, Virginia.  Once a tobacco warehouse, it transformed into a two story restaurant with the best seafood and streaks in the area.  Tobias always wanted to eat at the place, but he’s been busy for the last couple of weeks.  Now, he had his chance.

 

“Chris, thank you!  I…shit, you…got me speechless!” He cried.  No words could describe the happiness he felt.  He was in true bliss and nothing could change it. “I love you, Chris,” he whispered. 

 

“I love you, too, Toby.” Chris parted Tobias’ lips with his tongue and passionately kissed him. 

 

Tobias groaned as he explored Chris’ lips.  This was heaven.  He was finally in peace. 

 

“Enough of this horse shit.”

 

Tobias opened his eyes and pushed Chris slightly away. He almost dropped to the ground as he faced _him._

“Nice to see you again, Beecher. How are your wife and son?  I hope Witness Protection treated you well,” Vern laughed.

 

“No…” Tobias recoiled away from Vern. _It can’t be_. Tobias saw the guards drag Vern out of the courtroom.  He saw it. His lawyers told him Vern will be locked up until he died. This was a mistake, a nightmare.

 

Tobias looked at Chris who embraced Vern before kissing him dead on the lips.  

 

Tobias heart dropped.  Chris Keller, the man he loved, trusted, and confined to, betrayed him.  All the blood in his body boiled as he ran towards him and punched him.  Before he could throw another punch, he felt many hands on him and pinned him against the wall.  He tugged, twist, anything to get out of their reach, but nothing worked.  He was forced to watch Vern come near him and cupped his chin.

 

“That wasn’t nice.  You owe him an apology.” He sneered.

 

Tobias spit in Vern’s face. 

 

Vern whipped the saliva off his face.  All the playfulness in Vern’s eyes vanished. His nails dug into his flesh, making Tobias whimpered. 

 

“I think it’s time we teach him a lesson.”

 

Tobias eyes widened as his whole body became limp. He saw his old mentor stepping out of the shadows.  He stood near Vern.  The once light color eyes and soft smile was gone.  His eyes were dark and he smiled like the devil. 

 

Tobias knew then it was set up.

 

“I think you’re absolutely right,” Vern said as he punched Tobias Beecher across his face.


	2. Chapter One: Two Years Later

**Two Years Later**

**~*~**

 

“One…two…three…four…”

 

Tobias grunted.  He lifted the heavy weights above his head.  Standing behind him, Elliot, his exercise partner, continued to count. 

 

“…seven…eight…nine…ten…eleven…”

 

Tobias sucked in his breath, keeping his eyes focused on the ceiling.  Sweat dripped down his face, soaking his gray tank top.  His bandaged hands held the metal bar, creating a friction that caused his hands to ache, but he needed it.    As a matter of fact, he _craved_ the pain, like he once _craved_ alcohol and Chris Keller.  The adrenaline ran though his veins each time he lifted the weights. 

 

“Twenty!  You can stop now, Toby.” 

 

Elliot’s voice was nothing but a whisper to Tobias as he kept lifting the weights.  His arms bend and stretched as the sharp pain ran though his entire body.  It burned all over, but it made him feel alive, in control.  He wasn’t some helpless pussy from two years ago. He was nothing like that person, not anymore and never again.

 

_“Let’s see if he can squeal, boys!” Vern laughed.  Chris and he pinned Toby on the ground, each had his limbs in a joint lock._

_More laugher echoed in the empty parking lot.  Toby couldn’t see them, but he knew they were close, surrounding him like vultures.  None of them helped him.  They all watched, witnessing him breaking beyond repair._

_“Hey, Chris, help me with his legs…”_

 

_Twenty-one! Twenty-one! Twenty-one!_ Toby’s thought fanatically. The visions from that night flashed before his mind. 

 

_His body twisted, barely able to move.  He wished Chris can help him.  Be the same Chris loved him so many months ago.  The one who made him, for the moment, feel alive._

_“Heil baby, Heil!” Vern yelled.  The cracking of Toby’s bones was enough to make Vern’s laugher grow darker._

_Toby screamed.  His eyes were on the night sky, hoping this was just a dream.  When he wakes up, he will be in his bed, with Chris by his side._

_“We are not done yet, Beecher…”_

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Elliot asked. 

 

Tobias shook his head before looking at him.  His partner piecing blue eyes made him realize he blackout.  Not in a deep subconscious dream, but, in a way, made him forget time.

 

Tobias raised his head slightly from the bench and noticed the weight wasn’t on the holder.  Instead, it lied across from him, in the middle of the floor, with everyone staring at him.  Despite his neutral appearances, his mind raced from one end to another.  He doesn’t remember what he did or how he did it.  He just knew he wasn’t thinking.

 

Tobias jerked from his partner’s touch while getting up from the bench.  He hissed, the burning in his arms intensified.  All the physical therapy in the world could not fix him, at least, not with the dreams.

 

He shoved some of the onlookers out of his way, heading towards the other end of the gym.  He needed something to keep him busy. 

 

_The punching bag will have to do._

 

He cracked his knuckles, rolled his shoulders and began to hit it.  Slowly at first, to get warmed up, but then he increased his speed.  Hearing the chains rattling made his heart race and mind focus. 

                                                    

To Tobias, this was better the liquor, which did more damage than good. Before that night, he wasn’t into fitness.  He was in decent shape, a little gut that protruded slightly over his pants, without sucking it in.  The only time he exercised was to walk to the liquor store or a local bar to have a strawberry martini, gin, or whiskey. 

 

Then that night happened and he couldn’t use his body for shit.  Not even to take a piss.  He vowed he will never be that helpless again.  So when his body healed, he kept his word.  Thank God, Kareem suggested the Varsity Gym; it was a perfect place to find solace.  It was dark, spacy, had everything he needed to push his body to the extreme.  Unfortunately, he may have to find another gym and partner. 

 

Tobias heard his footsteps.  They were loud, direct, almost in a hurry.  Different from Keller, the exact opposite of Keller.  Yet, the first time he saw him, he thought Elliot _was_ Keller, but in a suit and recovering from his own demons.

 

_Oh shit,_ Tobias thought. He continued his routine, keeping his eyes on the punching bag and not on Stabler.

 

 “Don’t even go there, Beecher, because I’m not going to pretend it didn’t happen.”

 

“So say it.” Tobias kicked the punching bag for good measures.

 

“Alright, what happened over there? Why did you throw the weights across the room, like some kind—”

 

“Lunatic? Crazy man?” Tobias sensed Elliot glaring at him while trying his very best not to strangle him. 

 

“Someone whose been shooting up.”

 

“Really? You think I’m using steroids.  I wish.  It would be a hell of a lot easy to deal with the shit I’m going through.” Soon he saw Vern’s face, sneering at him.

 

_“You’re so weak, Beecher.  All you needed to do is get me off and not rat me out like some pussy.”_

Toby punched the bag rapidly.  He saw the blood spilling from Vern’s face, but the taunts never stopped, neither did the laughing.  And all Toby could see was red.

 

“You’re having those nightmares again.”

 

Sympathy.  Toby didn’t need it.  As a matter of fact, he wished Elliot kept it to himself.

 

Because Vern’s face morphed into Chris.

 

_“I never loved you.  I played you the whole time.  All I wanted was to see you break.”_

 

Toby gritted his teeth.  He increased his speed, hearing the chains shake and rattle until it loosened.  This should have stopped him, made him realize he was this close to the edge.  Instead, he kept his current speed, not giving a damn what will happen next.

 

“Toby, you need to stop before—”

 

“Don’t you _fucking_ dare call me that!” He shouted, seeing Chris and Vern face morphing together, voices colliding to sound more like the devil.  He hit it with so much intensity that the punching bag broke, dropping to the floor with a loud thump.

 

Tobias stood still, breathing heavily.  Despite the growing pain shooting from his wounded hands, he wanted something else to do.  He wanted another release.

 

Unfortunately, the stares he was receiving from the gym members, he will not do it today.

Before Tobias could muffle another word to anyone, Elliot grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away from the scene.  He jerked away from his grip which earned him a harsh, almost threatening look from Elliot.

 

“For the love of Christ, please _don’t_ make another scene. It’s bad enough you have to pay for it but now—”

 

“I will write them a check before we leave,” Toby looked at his watch, “I’m starving.  You want a bite to eat?”

 

Elliot raised a brow.  The confusion on his face almost made Tobias laugh.

 

“I’m buying.”

 

It took Elliot a while before the colors returned to his face.  Tobias knew he appeared crazy in the older man’s eyes.  Maybe he was crazy. 

 

Elliot shook his head and dragged him out of the gym. 

 

Toby heard the gym members’ whispers.  This wasn’t the first time he destroy equipment in the name of anger, but he doubt it would be the last.  It was the last time he will go to the Varsity gym.

 

When they were at a good distances from prying eyes and noisy ears, Elliot finally said, “You better but it still won’t stop me from asking you what happened over there.”

 

“You can try, but I’m not telling you a damn thing.”  

 

Elliot rolled his eyes as they left the gym.

 

**~*~**

 

“Why are we meeting at a park?” Tobias asked as he followed a woman to a picnic table, a few feet away from the parking lot.

 

“We need some fresh air.  We can’t always meet at the same place every week,” she responded. She was an older petite woman with salt and pepper hair.  The cross around her neck sparkled in the sunlight, the only thing on her body that had a hint of color.

 

“If you say so, Sister Pete.”

 

They took a seat.  Sister Pete took her sunglasses off, showing the compassionate eyes that made Toby quivered.  Each time they meet he’s always ready to leave, but he needed help.  After what happened a week ago, he wanted someone to listen to him.  Especially, since, his health insurance is paying for it. 

 

“What’s on your mind, Tobias?” Sister Pete asked calmly.

 

Tobias took a deep breath.  “I think I’m losing it.  I mean…I…”

 

“Are you referring to your attack?”

 

“More than that now.  I dream about Vern…The Judge…and _him._ It gotten to a point I can’t go a single day without thinking about it,” Tobias smiled sadly, “I thought I would be over it after two years.”

 

“Many people think they can get over a trauma very quickly.  Some can, but for the majority, it’s a working progress.”

 

“But I should be over it.  I mean, I _feel_ I’ve moved on.”

 

Sister Pete folded her arms, questioning him like his mother.  “Why you say that?”

 

“I’m stronger than I was two…hell for most of my life.  I’m getting out of the apartment, moving around, doing things.”

 

“Physical strength or keeping your mind occupied is not the same as moving on.  It is a temporary fix, but, for long term, it will not solve the problem.”

 

Tobias hung his head in defeat.  “I know, but it’s comforting to think I have some sort of control.”

 

“Not if you are avoiding facing your attack,” She sighed, “I’ve heard what happened at the gym.”

 

Toby rubbed his face, fingers lacing through his long blonde hair.  “I knew I shouldn’t hang out with Stabler,” he mumbled, “I shouldn’t be near him since he looks so much like—.”

 

“He’s worried about you—”

 

“He should mind his own damn business.”

 

Sister Pete ignored his last comment and continued, “So that’s why you think you’re losing it, Tobias, because of what happened at the gym?  You wanted some control, some release from your trauma?”

 

“I just lost it because I wanted _something_.  Anything to make it go away,” He mumbled in between his hands.  Part of him wished the session was over so he can hide again.

 

“I will tell you this: breaking things and hiding from it will not make it go away.  Remember your problems with alcohol and how you tried not to discuss it.   Now you’ve been sober for a year and half and it was because you faced it.  You can face your past.”

 

Toby raised his head.  “You know I think about drinking, sometimes.  At least, I will be so drunk I won’t remember anything.”

 

“Tobias.”

 

“It’s true.”

 

“What’s stops you from drinking again?”

 

Toby smiled. “Gen and Gary.  Just thinking about them makes me not want to touch that stuff again.  Which…”

 

“Which?”

 

Toby shook his head.  “Maybe next time.”

 

Sister smiled and nodded.  “I’ll understand.”

 

Toby smiled, thanking God he didn’t have to reveal other demons that refuse to leave him.

 

The smile that was on her face was replaced with a concerned frown.  She laced her fingers together as if to pray.  “Well, Tobias, it’s good you are trying to find ways to have peace in your life, but you need a way to face them.  Perhaps you should try journaling.”

 

“Journaling?”

 

Sister Pete nodded.  “Yes.  There are plenty of people who write down their feelings on paper.  No matter what time of day, they write their thoughts down.  It helps.”

 

“I thought you would suggest reading the Bible or praying.”

 

“That can help too, but I’m here to help you, not preach to you.  It’s up to you if you want to find a higher power.”

 

Tobias snorted.

 

“Perhaps by writing, you will have a clear idea how you _really_ feel.  You get out all the anger and it help to guide you to find that control you long for.”

 

“Perhaps…”

 

“It’s a suggestion, Tobias.  If you don’t want to do it then you can join a support group—”

 

“I go to—”

 

“AA meetings are not enough, Tobias.  It helps you stay sober, but not with your PTSD. In the meantime, we can continue with our weekly meetings, discuss your problems and find ways to resolve them. Now, tell me more about those dreams or are you going to wait until next session?”

 

“Next session.”

 

She tried to hide her disappointment but Tobias knew she wasn’t pleased with the answer.  He should tell her more about the dreams; maybe it would lead to his recovery. 

 

_“You will never forget about me, Beecher.  Your ass belongs to me…”_

“I…”

 

Sister raised a brow.  “Yes, Tobias.”

 

“I…see him every night.  He’s in my mind…that’s how I know I’m losing it…”

 

“Who’s on your mind?”

 

_“You can’t do it…”_

“And…”

 

_“Let’s throw him over the bridge fellas…” Vern laughed as he and the rest of his men threw Tobias’ body over the bridge._

Before Tobias knew it, he was crying.  Sister Pete had her arms around him as the tears continued to run down his cheeks.  He banged his hand against the wooden table.  Vern’s voice became cleaner every day.  He wished Vern would go away.  Leave him alone so he can move on. 

 

At the end, Vern always won.

 

“Let’s pick this up next week, Tobias.”

 

“No, we can continue.  Just give me a minute.” He wiped his eyes.

 

“Are you sure?” She asked, not leaving his side.

 

“Yea.” 

 

She nodded in understanding.  “Alright.  What else is on your mind?”

 

Tobias pretended he didn’t cry in front of her, as if nothing happened.  He focused more on the gym incident and promise he won’t do it again.  Then he talked about his family.

 

“You should visit them.”

 

“I haven’t spoken to them in months.”  He couldn’t return to his family.  He brought shame to the Beecher’s name. 

 

“But it will help with your recovery.  Having family around can make a difference, Tobias.”

 

“I’ll…think about it.” That’s how the session ended.  Tobias will “think” about it as Vern plays with his mind, with the help of Keller, especially Keller.

 

They left the park.  Tobias walked Sister Pete’s to her car. 

 

“Will I see you at AA Thursday’s night?” She asked while opening her car door.

 

“Will Stabler be there?” He asked casually. 

 

“Of course.  He’s is your sponsor after all.  He isn’t there to judge you, but to help you. “

 

“Yea, sure he is,” he sarcastically said.  Why did Stabler have to be his sponsor, or even part of his life?  He should never return to the meetings after freaking out about his similarity to Keller. 

 

“I know he looks like Chris, but he is different from him.  Besides, it appears you are getting clos—”

 

“It’s against AA rules.  No fraternization with sponsors.  Just wished he got the memo.”

 

Sister Pete shook her head.  “I hope to see you Thursday’s night.  If you need anything, Tobias, please call me.” She held his hand.

 

Tobias looked at it before shaking it in agreement.  If only it was that simple.

 

They departed, each going the opposite direction.  Sister Pete got in her car and left for Manhattan as Tobias walked to the nearest metro.  He wished he could share everything to his therapist but he…

 

_Or you won’t,_ he thought.  As much as he tries to deny it, it was true.  He won’t talk about it.  He wanted to blame it on the ghost of Vern and his past, but it was his fault. If he just defended Vern, without questioning it, Gen and his son would still be alive.  He would still live a happy life.

 

_As a bad alcoholic father and husband,_ Tobias thought.  It wasn’t the desirable idea, but Vern would not have be part of it. 

 

Tobias looked at his phone.  Maybe he should call his folks, especially Angus.  He left him as the heir to their father business, leaving him with a lot of responsibilities.  Then Tobias abandoned him when he needed him the most, especially during his pre-sober days. 

 

_I’m sorry for being the worse brother and husband and lover and friend and son and father and…fuck it._

Tobias put his phone back in his pocket and continued the walk home.


	3. Chapter Two

_“So, Mr. Schillenger…”_

_“Please, call me, Vern.  A friend of Davis is a friend of mine.” Each of them took a seat._

_“Okay, so, Vern…I see…you…” Tobias looked through Vern’s file, not sure where to start. He should have stopped on the fourth martini over the weekend._

_“I’m sorry, Mr. Vern, I had a rough night and just got your case this morning.”_

_“It’s fine, Mr. Beecher.  You’re better than my last lawyer.  He suggested I plead guilty on a lesser charge.”_

_“Lesser charge?” Tobias stopped his search.  Like a deer in hindsight, he stared at him with so much confusion._

_“Manslaughter.  He wanted me to plead guilty to manslaughter, which will give me minimum of one year or the maximum of twenty.  The plea bargain was manslaughter, fifteen years.  I rejected it.”_

_“I’m sorry, Vern, but what crime are you accused of?” Tobias straightened his glasses._

_“I’m accused of first degree murder. I shot this, umhmm…some store clerk because he accused my sons of stealing.  I told him calmly he got the wrong person.  I mean, he should have watched those black kids who come to his store every day and steal fifty or so dollars’ worth of food.”_

_“Right,” Tobias knew he was dealing with one of_ **those** _people.  Great._

_“The store clerk was certain it was my sons and so we got into a little altercation.  He pulled a gun on me and I defended myself.  Now, I’m here, trying to defend myself again.  I hope you can save my ass.” He laughed._

_“I think you should have taken the plea bargain…”_

_Vern throw up his hands in disgust but Tobias continued. “…because we will have a better chance at winning.  By the looks of your record, you’re not the most trustworthy person.”_

_“Listen, Tobias, I can’t afford to serve fifteen years behind bars.  I have to take care of my boys.  They need me.” Vern plead._

_  
Tobias should have passed the case to another lawyer.  He wasn’t sure if he could trust him, but everyone deserved a fair trial despite their…beliefs._

_“Alright, Vern, I will take your case.”_

_Vern smiled.  “You will not regret this…”_

_They were no longer in the safe compounds of Tobias’ office, but outside, at night, on the Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Bridge.  Vern cupped Tobias’ face, grinning like a madman.  The laughter would not shut up as Tobias pleaded for his life._

_But all he was met with silences and rejections.  This was the end.  “Never fuck with me because you_ **will** _regret it. Now_ , _let’s throw him over the bridge fellas!”_

_Tobias eyes widened as they threw him off the bridge.  His body falling quickly until…_

Tobias awoke from yet another nightmare.  He touched his chest, feeling his heartbeat.  He still didn’t know how he survived the fall. 

 

“I should have died,” he said to himself, inside his bare bedroom.  Two years and he’s still plagued with them.  He should have opened up to Sister Pete about them yesterday.  At least he will have a goodnight sleep. 

 

He rubbed his face, running his fingers through his damped hair.  Months of surgery, physical therapy, and quiet tears and the result were a physically fit man who can’t sleep at night.  Vern made sure he will regret it.

 

Tobias looked at the clock and sighed.  “Might as well get up.”

 

Tobias took off his damped gray shit and boxers and threw them in the hamper.  He proceeded to his bathroom.  He’s paying $2500 a month and the huge bathroom was what he had to show.  Then again, the apartment had a nice view of Manhattan.  People didn’t know his business and he felt safe.  But the reason he never fully furnished it or had people visit him, because he never felt home. He’s just living there, a temporary residence. 

 

He turned on the shower and stepped inside.  He washed his body with Dove soap.  He got a year supply of it as a Christmas present from Elliot, who claimed ‘it was the only brand of soap he will ever use.’ It was the only soap his parents gave him during his stay at the hospital.  Lavender, jasmine-smelling Dove soap which the nurses used to scrubbed his entire body. 

 

Tobias smiled.  He should thank Elliot one of these days. 

As Tobias thought about Elliot, he ran the soap near his cock which stirred against his touch.  He sighed.  Just a mere thought of Stabler made him hard.  He shouldn’t like Elliot.  He was his sponsor who happened to look like Keller.  Every little detail is exactly like Keller and it made him angry. 

 

But he wasn’t like Keller.  He’s too much of a prude, but charming.  He’s a control freak, but compassionate and dependable.  He was truthful, unlike Keller. 

 

Tobias wished he could see Elliot and not Keller.  Perhaps then Tobias can admit he was attracted to—

 

Part of him missed Chris, especially the intimacy between them.  The first time they met, Chris was working on his car.  Everything about Keller stood out to him: the low waist pants hung along his hips, wife-beater that fitted him like second skin and seductive demeanor.

 

Tobias had always been attractive to men.  Gen was fine with it, as long as Tobias came home and helped with the bills. 

 

So it wasn’t a shocker when he found himself bend over on his desk, pants dangling around his ankles as Keller fucked him.  The way his cock thrust inside him, made him cum more than once.  It would have lasted longer if it wasn’t for Keller’s boss finding them in his office.

 

Since then, they were together…until that night. 

 

_He never loved you._ He thought as he finished his shower. 

 

Tobias grabbed a towel, dried himself off, and wrapped it around his waist.  He looked at himself through the mirror and realized he’s different. 

 

The once clean shaved man with the thick rimmed glasses had a beard; his long hair reached his shoulders and wore contact lens.  He was no longer sucking in his gut whenever he walked by someone.  He had defined muscles, some he didn’t know he had.  A year and half of going to gym finally paid off, but it didn’t fix _everything._

Tobias found a razor and scissors and carefully trimmed his beard until he was satisfied with the results.  He studied himself, smiling a bit.  At least he didn’t look like a crazed man.  How would his mother react?  Gen?

 

Tobias left the bathroom and went to his closet, another room that was worth the price.  He picked out his work clothes which consist of black slacks, buttoned up long sleeves shirt with some loaves.  He decided to just grab breakfast later and made his way out the apartment and down the lobby until he was outside.

 

Borden Avenue is different from his hometown of New Haven, Connecticut.  In a sense, he had the best of both worlds: a small town feel with Ma-and-Pa shops and a big city feel with buildings reaching the skies and clubs that do not end until six in the morning.   He had only lived there for a year and he liked it. He wished it could make it home.

 

After spending fifteen minutes on the metro, he was in Manhattan. Although he lived in New York for two years, he can never get over being amazed by it.  He simply loved it: tall buildings, rich history buried beneath the structures, diversity everywhere he went.  Each day he found something to do, even if it’s him walking every block until he can memorize it. 

 

He walked down East 62 Street, many of the stores were already opened, filled with people.  He almost stopped at the local Starbucks, but since the lines were long, he changed his mind.

 

_Oh well.  Guess I’ll drink that stale coffee,_ Tobias thought. On the other side of the street, his destination was within walking distance.  He smiled when he saw a familiar face.

 

“Kareem,” he greeted.

 

Kareem Said looked over his shoulder, “You’re early,” he said.

 

“I didn’t sleep well,” Tobias answered, hoping Said didn’t push the issue farther.

 

“It seems like every night.  Everything’s alright?” Said asked, opening the door for Beecher.

 

_No, still having those nightmares.  Still can’t get over Vern fucking me over._ “Everything’s fine.” Tobias sat his suitcase on his desk.

 

“Tobias.”

 

 “Do you like my beard?” Tobias changed the subject. 

 

Said snickered. 

 

“Come on, be honest, do you like my beard.”  Tobias knew the answer.  It was things he wasn’t ready to talk about in the morning.

 

“It’s different.” Said turned on the lights. The once dimmed room revealed three desks lined in two rolls.  The dark green walls or the black and white squared tiles didn’t make the room much appealing, but Said’s non-profit business was to help people understand their rights in the judicial system. It was not meant to be a house of fashion.

 

Tobias sat on the edge of his desk.  “It’s different?”

 

Said sighed. “I liked it better when you shaved.  You look like a madman wearing a suit.  But, you can do as you want.” Said headed towards the back room, or as Tobias called it, “The Closet.”

 

“I’ll shave it, when you give me a raise,” he joked.

 

“That will not happen anytime soon.  When the economy change, I will let you know.”

 

“Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Tobias smelled fresh roasted coffee which put a smile on his face. “You’re making coffee?” He leaned against the doorway of “The Closet,” a small room with a counter and a sink attached together. 

 

“Yes, I am.”

 

“You don’t even drink coffee,” he exclaimed.

 

“I know, but you and everyone else does.” Said poured some in a cup and handed it to Tobias.  “Besides, Adulda can’t make coffee quite as good as I can.”

 

“Years in college prepared you for it.” He took a snip.  Yep, Said was right.  It was a perfect blend of Brazilian beans, cream and sugar that gave him the right buzz for the day.

 

“Yes, it has. Some things still stick with me from my old life.” He leaned against the counter.

 

Tobias cleared his throat.  They knew each other since college.  They grew up in an upper class society, majored in Government, and went to the Harvard Law School.  They were thick as thieves, when Said was known as Goodson Truman.  Then he converted to Islam towards the end of law school and they lost track.

 

Until a year ago, when Said decided to give him a chance.  He’s still getting used to Said’s new worldview and they do clash every now and then.  But, his love for Said never faded. Though, he sometimes wished Said was still Goodson.

 

“Well, since you don’t drink coffee, how do you maintain a lot of energy?” Tobias asked.

 

“Prayer.”

 

“Hmm…I should try it.  Maybe tomorrow.”

 

“You should try it today.  In the meantime, enjoy.” Said left him alone and went back to the front.  Tobias looked at his half full cup and sighed.  During his darker times, Said encouraged him to give Allah a chance.  He claimed that by praying to Him it will ease the pain.  Tobias tried it and it didn’t give him the peace he so much wanted. 

 

He’s glad for the advice, but he rather try other things.

 

_But they are not working._

 

Tobias threw the cup in the trash and went to his desk. He watched Said pushed back the blinds, letting in the natural light enter the room. 

 

Before he even got a chance to turn on his computer, he saw one of his coworkers entering the room. 

 

“Good morning Adulda,” he greeted.

 

“Morning Tobias,” he greeted, patted him on the back as he made his way to Said.  “Morning Said,” he shook his hand before he hugged him. 

 

A few minutes later, the other employees arrived.  It wasn’t long until their first group of clients entered the room.  As morning merged into the afternoon, the office became busy.  Tobias worked with as many clients as he can, along with his regulars.  They were already understaffed, but due to funding, they had to deal with what they had.  He remembered his attorney days, when he had assistants to help him.  Now, he was on his own. 

 

Tobias was about to leave for lunch when he saw a familiar face in the crowd.

 

“Beecher!” he yelled from the cross the room.

 

“O’Reily.” Tobias shook his hand, “Been awhile.  What happened?”

 

“A lot,” Ryan O’Reily was one of the few people he talked too outside of AA.  “Got into some crazy shit in the last couple of weeks.”

 

“Did you get another DUI?  I don’t know how many times I can get you—”

 

“No, not that, been clean from that shit for a month.  I need your help with some baby mama drama.”

 

“Oh God,” he rubbed his face.

 

“Hey! It wasn’t my fault this time.”

 

“What did you do to Gloria?”

 

“It’s not about Gloria, but if she finds out, my ass is outta of the apartment.  She doesn’t need to add another problem on her plate.”

 

“Your ex-wife?”

 

“I’ve told you she can’t get pregnant.”

 

“Then who?” Tobias asked. 

 

“While back, when Gloria and I were not speakin’ to each other, I fucked this girl at a night club.”

 

“Let me guess, no condoms this time?” Tobias sarcastically said.

 

“Don’t patronize me, Beecher.  I should ask the same for you since you fucked your fair share of dudes and women. Anyway, two years later, she came to my doorstep with a baby, claiming it was my kid.”

 

“Ryan, did you ask for a DNA test?”

 

Ryan started messing with some the files on Tobias’ desk.

 

“You did?”

 

“The baby’s mine.  Shouldn’t fuck that crazy bit—“

 

“How much do you owe in child’s support because I’m guessing that’s the issue?”

“The court ordered me to pay 200 dollars a month.  I haven’t been doing it since them.  The bitch went to court and now there’s a warrant for my ass.”

 

Tobias knew it. “Ryan, I am saying this to you as a friend, give yourself up and pay the child support.  It might be a chance you will not be sent to jail.”

 

“Tobe, I can’t let Gloria found out.  How the hell am I goin’ to explain to her that I fuck this woman and she’s has my kid.”

 

“Simple, tell her you fucked this woman while you guys were separated and she had your kid.  But, I think Gloria is the least of your problems, Ryan.  You need to go to court and start paying the child support.  It’ll look better if you turn yourself in, have the money with you, and tell them you’re having trouble finding a job.  The judge will have sympathy for you.”

 

“But Gloria—”

 

“Tell her.”

 

Ryan half smiled.  “I’ll see why you got some of your clients off.”

 

_“Never fuck with me, Tobias…” Vern continued to kick him in his stomach._

 

“Tobias, your three o’clock is here,” Said said while nodding at Ryan’s direction, “O’Reily.”

 

“You know you’ll like seeing my Mick ass.”

 

Said smiled, or at least, try to as he walked pass them.

 

Tobias cleared his throat.  “Just try it.”

 

“Thanks, B-boy.  And it better go my way or I’ll come after your ass,” he laughed, shaking his hand.

 

“It will.  So you’re going to AA tomorrow?”

 

Ryan became speechless for a couple of seconds before saying, “If Gloria doesn’t kill me tonight.  But we’ll see.  See ya, Tobe, wish me luck with my baby mama.”  Ryan left Tobias’ station and almost left the building until he start flirting with one of the female employees.

 

“If Ryan doesn’t watch himself, then he will be behind bars.” Said spoke behind Tobias.

 

“He’s learning…just it will take him some time.”

 

“Hopefully it’s soon because Rose’s father is a local police officer and he doesn’t like to see his daughter hurt.”

 

Tobias laughed, but the seriousness in Said’s face told him everything he needed to know. 

 

Seven cups of coffee and stale chips later, Tobias was tired.  He really didn’t want to go to the gym, but part of him wanted to burn off some energy.  Also, he needed a distraction, to keep his nightmares at a distance.

 

“AA tonight?” Said asked while sweeping the floor.

 

“Tomorrow night.  I’m just going to the gym.  You want to join me?”

 

“No thank you.  Shelia has me on diaper duties.”

 

Tobias pushed the discomfort away as he nodded.  “Understandable.  See you tomorrow morning.”

 

“See you then and Tobias,”

 

Tobias turned around and faced his old friend.  “Yea?”

 

“Get some sleep.”

 

Tobias nodded before he left the center.  It had been a long day and all he wanted to do is go to the gym.  Maybe he should run for a while or swim or…anything to relax. 

 

Perhaps he should call Elliot and see if he was busy.

 

Tobias shook his head as he made his way down the street.  He allowed the noise of the city to distract him.  It kept him from thinking about his past. 

 

By the time he reached his apartment, Tobias checked his phone.  He nearly dropped it on the floor, seeing the number he’s been trying to avoid for months.

 

_Angus? What does he want?_  Tobias leaned against his dinner table, looking at his brother’s number.  It’s been a while since they spoke.  Parts of him missed talking to his brother.  They were close at one point, could talk to each other openly.  After the attack, Tobias distanced himself from Angus.  It was his fault for destroying their family’s name and leaving Angus with the family’s business and the piles of responsibilities that comes with it.

 

But it was his brother.  Sister Pete said he needed a support system during his recovery.  This could be a good start to rebuilding their relationship. 

 

Tobias called his brother.  He waited, counting the number of times it rang.  He watched the big hand on the clock move slowly to the next notch; time seems to go by slowly. 

 

He almost hung the phone up, concluding it was a big mistake.  He wasn’t ready.  He needed more time to heal.

 

“Hello? Tobias?” Angus asked in shock.

 

“Hi Angus.” Tobias heartbeat quickened. 

 

“It’s been a while.”

 

“Yea.”

 

“How are you?”

 

“Good. I’ve been…doing good.”

 

There was silence between them. Tobias was trying to figure out what to say next.  What can he say to someone he haven’t seen in a year?  There were things he wanted to keep to himself.  There were things he wanted to tell Angus.  So many decisions.

 

“Tobias…I’m glad you’re doing fine.”

 

“How are you, Angus?  How’s the business?” He decided to start slow.  It was the best way to reintroduce himself to Angus and, to a lesser extent, his old life.

 

“I think I’m not ready for this, Tobias.  God, I miss your advice.  I wish you would come home.”

 

 “Tell me why you’re not ready for the family business.” Tobias changed the subject. 

 

_It could have been yours if you just defended Schillenger._

Tobias pushed aside his dark thoughts.  For the moment, he focused on his brother and hoped they could rebuild their relationship, one step at a time.


	4. Chapter Three

“My name is Elliot Stabler and I’ve been sober for two years.”

 

Tobias was a couple of minutes late.  After he got off work, he decided to call Angus. They spent two hours trying to repair their relationship and he lost track of time. Already, they were starting to share their recovery stories. 

 

Since he’s been in AA, he hadn’t shared that much about himself.  Usually Sister Pete had to force it out of him.  He wished he was a bit more open but every time it seems he was about to share something from his past, _he_ always appeared.  Or, perhaps, he didn’t want to get too close to anyone.

 

He sat across from Stabler who was in the middle of his “victory speech.” 

 

“I’m glad you joined us tonight, Tobias,” Sister Pete greeted.

 

Tobias nodded, avoid looking at everyone else, in particularly Stabler.

 

“Continue…” Sister Pete said to Elliot.

 

 “It hasn’t been easy.  Sometimes, I want to drink…because I already fucked—”

 

“Language.”

 

“Right,” Stabler cleared his throat, “—messed up my life.  I…killed a child when I was on duty…I mean, she was fifteen, but still someone’s child.  I retired from the force, a nice way of saying ‘I quit.’” He chuckled sadly, “I couldn’t deal with what happened and so, like my Old Man, I took to the bottle.  I always said I could quit anytime.  It was only one glass of scotch.  Then it turned to three.  I got to a point that one bottle of Jack Daniels didn’t satisfy me.  Spent all my money on alcohol and my wife couldn’t handle it.  She didn’t need another baby to take care of and she’s right.” He bowed his head, hands trembling.

 

“What made you decide to get help? Was it your wife?” asked a blonde girl sitting a few seats away from Tobias.

 

“When my ex-wife, Kathy, left with our four year old, I didn’t care.  I kept drinking until…well, let’s just say I lost everything before I decided I need help.  It wasn’t easy, though.  But I accepted the fact I can’t change the past.  By attending these meetings, I’m not the only one struggling.”

 

“Does it get better? I mean, you’ve been sober for two years, but do the urges ever go away?” The blonde girl asked again. 

 

“It does,” Tobias said suddenly.

 

All eyes were on him, including Sister Pete and Elliot.  He didn’t know why he decided to join in.  He should have continued to keep his mouth shut and listened.  He had his own problems and didn’t want to address them.  Yet, something about the girl’s questions and Elliot’s story did have an impact on him.  Or maybe, because he wanted to move on from his pain and the only way was talking about it.

 

Sister Pete asked, “How does it get better, Tobias?”

 

Tobias looked at the blonde girl.

 

“I mean, the urges don’t go away.  It’s still there and the temptations will always be around you.  And you will have a relapse, but as long as you find something to keep you on the straight and narrow path, you will get better.  For me, I started drinking when I was in college.  Like Elliot said, it starts with one glass and you think you can stop.  But, something happens and you just need it to dull the pain.” Tobias paused.  He could hear Vern’s voice in his head.

 

_“I will make you regret it…”_

“When my wife and son were…murdered…I went on a binge.  Three days straight until the funeral.  I looked at their bodies and knew…it was my fault.  To keep it short and simple, I decided I had enough.  So I stopped drinking and focused on getting the murderer behind bars.  It lasted for a year or two until another incident happened that almost cost me my life.” He chuckled humorlessly, “Still don’t know how I survived but I felt like shit. 

 

“Tobias, you know better,” Sister Pete warned.

 

Tobias continued, “I started back.  I isolated myself from my parents, my brother, and my friends because I just wanted to dull the pain.” _And hope Vern’s voice will go away._

“What made you get help?” the blonde girl, who looked no older than eighteen, asked.  Now she leaned in, her defensive shield was down.

 

“I couldn’t feel sorry for myself and I was dishonoring my wife and son’s memory.  At my lowest, I joined AA.  If it wasn’t for…my sponsor,” He looked at Elliot, “I would have quit a few months back.  I guess to answer your question, the urges never go away, but it does get better.  You find ways to deal with it and realize you can do it.  Just pick yourself up and keep going.”

 

The blonde girl nodded, sitting back against the chair.  She looked so young to be part of the group, but he can see himself in her.  At least she wanted help at her age. He smiled, he was helping someone and, for the moment, he was making one step towards the right direction.

 

_”I will make you regret it…”_

_Tobias body fell from the bridge to the river.  He saw Vern’s devil’s grin, shining like fire in the dark sky.  Then there was Chris who seems to just stand there, frozen in time._   _His mind pleaded for him for help but …_

_No one answered…_

Tobias shook his head, not sure what Sister Pete was discussing.  However, he noticed one particular set of eyes was on him.  For once, Stabler smiled.  It wasn’t the biggest smile or the brightest, but a simple smile that made Tobias blush while his stomach did flips.  He should keep his mouth shut.

 

When the meeting was over, Tobias tried to be the first one out of the church.

 

“Tobias.”

 

_Shit._ Tobias smiled despite really wanting to leave.

 

“Yes, Sister Pete.”

 

“You did a good job in group, tonight.  I wished you share this information with me during our sessions.”

 

“I just didn’t think about it at the time.” Tobias shrugged.  “I wished I brought it up.  Hopefully next meeting I will.”

 

“Hopefully?”

 

“I will talk about it next meeting.”

 

“Good.  You’re one step closer to finding a solution to your problems.”

 

“I hope so,” Tobias looked at his watch, “I have to get going.  I want to catch the next met—”

 

“I can drop you off.  I live a couple of minutes away from you,” Elliot suggested.

 

Tobias reluctantly agreed as he said his goodbyes to Sister Pete.  He wished he stay a few more minutes, just to speak to the girl but she was gone.  He hoped she won’t relapse and take it one day at a time.

 

“Hungry?” Stabler asked as they left the church and headed towards his jeep.

 

“No.”

 

“I am.  Hope you don’t mind I pick up some food along the way.”

 

“You’re always hungry, Stabler.” He noticed the new paint job on the 2008 Honda Jeep.  He still had a cop mentality which, as Tobias concluded, will never go away.

 

“And your always a pain in my ass,” he said under his breath.  He got in the jeep, “I hope you won’t make a clean getaway when I’m not looking.”

 

“I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.” He got in the passenger side. 

 

“Yea.” He turned on his jeep and left the parking lot.

 

**~*~**

 

“I thought you weren’t hungry.”

 

Tobias took a big bit off his burger, before shoving several fries in his mouth.  “I didn’t know you were going to eat inside.  So you baited me.  We’re even.”

 

“Don’t even try it, Tobias.  I didn’t bait you.  I just didn’t feel like taking my food back to the house.”

 

“And you weren’t going to offer me none.  I see.”

 

He sighed.  “You’re full of shit, sometimes.”

 

“You know the rules, can’t cuss.” Tobias smirked, holding the huge burger dripping with grease in both hands.

 

“We’re not in AA anymore, Tobe.  So I can cuss whatever the fuck I want.” He took a bit off his own burger before saying, “Oh yea, thanks.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Helping me out back there.  It was…hard speaking about what happened to me.”

 

“Because you don’t’ let people in.” Tobias said.  He noticed that about Elliot: he hardly talked about his personal life.  Tobias assumed it was because of his job and his Irish Catholic upbringing. It took him about a month before Elliot casually mentioned he was still married. He thought he was distant from others.

 

“When you’re trying to keep your professional and personal life separate, it takes a toll.  But you live and learn,” Elliot leaned against his booth seat, “It must’ve been hard for you too, talking about what happened to your wife and son.”

 

“I didn’t tell them everything.” Tobias picked at his food.

 

“I didn’t tell them everything about Kathy and me, but the important thing is you had the balls to tell them.”

 

 “I told her what she wanted to hear and maybe…I needed it.  I haven’t talked about my past since…it’s been a good while,” Tobias said, looking out the glass window.  It was almost dark.  He needed to get home.

 

“Sometimes talking can make a huge difference.”

 

“I don’t know.  It’s hard, you know.  I go to Sister Pete every week, hoping to say something about my past, my doubts and fears, about Vern, about Ch—my ex.  When it looks like I’m ready to move on, something stops me. “

 

“You’re having the nightmares again,” Elliot said, abandoning the burger on his plate.

 

Tobias nodded. “I don’t want to relive them.  I rather keep them buried in the back of my mind and pretend it never happened.  But the more I try, the more it comes back.”

 

“You can’t keep holding it in, Toby.” 

 

Tobias trembled.  _He is not like Chris,_ he remained himself.  

Elliot must have noticed it which made Tobias even more ashamed and embarrassed.  Just when he was starting to see Elliot as…Elliot. 

 

“You just can’t, _Tobias_.  I’ve seen it so many times on the job…how people don’t get the help they need and it comes back to bite them later.”

 

“Like it did for you?” Tobias didn’t know why he continued having this conversation with Elliot.  Maybe there was something about Elliot’s voice that made him feel…safe.  As if, he can actually _talk_ to him.  He didn’t like  feeling vulnerable, being exposed to his sponsor.   But, he felt _something_ for Elliot.  Something that borders friendship and attraction, or he has a thing for men with blues eyes and control issues.

 

Elliot frowned.  “Yea, like me.  I should have gotten help, but…I don’t trust shrinks.”

 

“They are not _all_ bad.  Hell, you suggested Sister Pete to me.  You had to trust her.” Tobias pointed it out.

 

Elliot grimaced as he played with his straw.  “Alright, now _all_ shrinks are bad. You better not tell Sister Pete that.”

 

“I promise.”

 

A minute went by before Tobias asked, “Are you and Kathy getting back together?” Part of Toby knew the answer.  He wanted to know because, deep down, he desired…

 

“I filed for divorce.  I needed to move and Kathy needed to be happy.” Elliot started back eating which meant he didn’t want to talk about it.  So Tobias dropped it.

 

It was silence between them.  The sound of chewing half eaten food made the time go by quickly. 

 

“Found a new gym, yet?”

 

“Yea, it’s near my apartment.  Small, but hardly anyone goes there. You?” He mentally kicked himself. 

 

“Is that an invitation?” He grinned.

 

“It is what it is.” Tobias

 

“Maybe I should check it out.  It hasn’t been the same since you left Varsity.  I missed seeing you work out, especially doing those squirts.

 

Tobias spited out some his drink on the table.  He coughed as he recovered from what Elliot just proclaimed.

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me,” he said coyly. 

 

“I…I think it’s time to go,” Tobias stuttered. He pulled out his wallet and paid for their food.  Elliot objected to his hospitality, but Tobias stopped him. “You already driving me home although you live an hour away from me.”

 

“Maybe I’m being a good Samaritan.”

 

“Right.” Tobias rolled his eyes as they left the dinner and walked to Elliot’s jeep. 

 

“Face it, Tobias, you like me.”

 

“I’m trying to avoid you.”

 

“Bullshit.” He snickered. 

 

Tobias listened to his laughter.  It was different….he needed to stop comparing them.  He more he sees them as he same, the more he let Keller win.  Instead he exhaled and relaxed. 

 

_“I never loved you…”_

 

“Why did you tell Sister Pete about what happened to me at the gym?” Tobias asked, blocking Chris’ voice.

 

“I was worried.  I shouldn’t have done—”

 

“No, it’s fine.  I mean, I wouldn’t have spilled my guts tonight.” He smiled, “I guess you are good for something.”

 

He smiled back.  “Coming from you, I’ll take it as a compliment.”

 

They entered the jeep and left from the parking lot and into the streets. Tobias saw Elliot switched channels.  His hands quivered as the sound of old Motown played through the speakers.  He prayed Stabler would change the channel.  His mind could not bear to remember him and he was doing well this evening.

 

Elliot shook his head and changed the channel.  This time the sound of David Ruffin was replaced with the Beatles.  He sighed in relief.

 

“You don’t like the Temptations?”

 

“It reminds me of my ex.”

 

“Sorry, I won’t turn to that channel while you’re in the car.”

 

“It’s fine. I just overreacted, that’s all.” Tobias avoided looking at him.  Instead, he turned his attention to the outside world.  He hoped it didn’t snow.  He loathed it. 

 

“I’m not like him, Tobe.  I will never hurt you,” Elliot declared. 

 

Tobias studied him, hoping he’d find any sign of him lying.  But, truthfully, Tobias knew he wasn’t. 

 

“I know you’re not, Elliot.  My mind hasn’t realized it yet.” Then Tobias’ phone rang.  At first, he was calm but then he became irritated.  “Alright, I’m on my way.” He hung the phone.

 

“What is it?” Elliot asked, a bit worried.

 

Tobias sighed. “I need you to take me to the police station so I can bail my friend out.”

 

**~*~**

 

“Thanks, Beecher for bailing me out.  That bitch shouldn’t involve my brother.” Ryan rubbed his wrists.

 

“You did threaten her,” Tobias informed him.  They were walking down the stairs of the police station.  Tobias glanced at Elliot who was silent the whole time.  Then again, he did bump into his old partner and there were still unresolved issues between them.

 

“Great, you’re taking her side. I shouldn’—”

 

“I’m not taking her side.  You need to keep your mouth shut and stay outta trouble.”

 

“Whatever.” Ryan paused, looking at the night sky, “Gloria kicked me out.”

 

Tobias stopped.  “What?”

 

“Yea, I told her about my little fling and the baby.  She kicked me out.  It’s a good thing Cyril is outta town.  It would’ve been hard to explain to him that we are homeless.”

 

“Relatives?”

 

“Yea, cousin who lives about thirty minutes from here.  Hey, ask your boyfriend if he can drop me off at Cassidy’s place.”

 

“Got gas money?” Stabler asked.

 

“Yea, sure do.” He took out some money out of his pocket.  “This is enough?”

 

Stabler grabbed it.  “It’ll do.”

 

The three of them got inside Stabler’s car.  Despite Ryan’s direction, Stabler knew the way to his cousin house. It didn’t take long for them to reach Ryan’s destination. 

 

“I’ll walk wi—”

 

“I’m good.  Thanks for bailing me out Beecher.  I owe you one.  Thanks Stabler for the ride.  You two enjoy your ‘date,’” he joked.

 

“We’re not on a date.”

 

Ryan rolled his eyes.  “Of course not.  See you, Beecher. Stabler.” With a sly smile on his face, Ryan got out of the jeep.  They watched him entered the apartment complex before driving off. 

 

“I hope Olivia doesn’t kill Cassidy for it.  She doesn’t like Ryan that much.”

 

Tobias laughed.  “If Ryan knows what’s good for him, he’ll beg Gloria to let him back in.”

 

“How did you know Ryan?  I think you said one time, you met him before AA.”

 

Tobias smiled. “At work.  Everyone who works there didn’t want to take his case.  So I did.  Ever since then, Ryan comes to me for advice…… or I bail him out.

 

Elliot raised a brow.

 

“I ask him for some favor.”

 

“I’m not even going to ask.  I know his cousin.  He used to work at SVU before he transferred.  Didn’t expect Olivia to date him since their little fling ended terribly.”

 

“Love knows no boundaries.”

 

“Yea.” He trailed off before turning up the volume a bit.

 

“How you feel about Olivia with—”

 

“She can date whoever she wants.  We haven’t spoken to each other since I left SVU.  It was the first time in three years.”

 

“Damn.”

 

“I don’t blame her for not wanting to see me again.”

 

“But it seems she wants you in her life, Elliot.  Isn’t part of recovery making amends?” he looked at him.  It was the first time he truly looked at him without trying to avoid him.  Elliot looked like he aged a bit, but still rather handsome.  He carried a lot on his shoulders which made him sympathize with him.  They were both struggling and needed something to resemble normality.  Perhaps he was a bit hard on him. 

 

“Sometimes, it’s just too late.”

 

“Did you and her ever…”

 

“No. We were just friends.  Well, she was more of friend than I ever was.” 

 

Tobias will kick himself in the ass later, but he had to do it.  He placed his hand on Stabler’s.  Elliot glanced at him, as if he was crazy, but more surprised. 

 

Tobias smiled.  A genuine smile. In solidary, to say he felt it too and didn’t want the feeling to go away.  And for once, it felt good to just not to think about the next move.  It felt good to live in the moment and pretend they were friends, or to see Elliot as a friend and not…Chris.

 

“It’s not too late.”

 

Elliot smiled, holding Tobias’ hand.

 

“It’s getting late.  Why not spend the night?” Tobias suggested.

 

Elliot released his hand.  “I have work in the morning.”

 

“You can wake up early. “

 

“Where would I sleep?”

 

“On the couch, of course.  Why?  You want to sleep with me?” The idea had crossed his mind during those lonely nights.  After all, Elliot was a good looking man and if he was similar to Keller in other ways…

“I’ll sleep on the couch _unless_ you have enough room for me.” 

 

Tobias should have warned him he slept wild and sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, screaming bloody murder.  He should have spoken up about those issues.  Instead, the stirring of his cock made him forget, for the moment, his nightmares.  If he wanted to move on (it may not be a good idea to sleep with his sponsor), then he may have too. May not be the best way to move on, but there were things he can’t do alone.

 

“Is that an invitation?”

 

“It is what it is, Tobe.” Elliot grinned. “It is what it is.”


	5. Chapter Four

_“Vern, I can’t represent your case.”_

_Vern’s face dropped.  The gleaming smile that always was on his face turned into the most hideous frown Tobias ever seen.  He cleared his throat, hoping Vern doesn’t try to do something that will add more charges to his crime._

_“Why not?  I’ve told you the truth—”_

_“Not quite, Vernon.” Tobias handed him a folder._

_Vern looked at the folder while touching it slowly._

_“Tell me about Michael Chang, Mr. Schillinger.”_

_“Like I said,” Vern threw the folder on the desk, “I’m telling you the truth.  The store clerk—”_

_“Mr. Thomas Mitchell saw you murder Mr. Chang when you saw him with a white woman.  Then you saw Mr. Mitchell and threatened his life.”_

_“I didn’t lie.  I defended myself because that nigger accused my boys of robbery.”_

_“There is no proof your boys were at the store! You murdered him because he refused to keep quiet,” Tobias shouted._

_“It doesn’t matter if I killed that nigger for a bottle of water, you can’t connect me with that other crime.”_

_“So you’re confessing?”_

_Vern folded his arms and narrowed his eyes.  “I may have killed those mongrels, but it is your job to give me the best deal possible.”_

_“Or what?”_

_Vern smirked.  “You’ve read the reports.  You know what will happen if you ever cross me.”_

_“Gen! Oh God!” Tobias cried as her body was rolled from the house.  Soon the scene cut to Vern and him in his office._

_“That will never happen,” Tobias said neutrally as several cops busted into his office and grabbed Vern on each side.  He frantically looked at each one before returning his attention at Tobias. “You son of a bitch!”_

_“I did what I had to do, Mr. Schillinger, in order to bring justice for their families” Tobias said.  Outwardly, he was confident, not afraid to take a racist psychopath down. Inwardly, however, he was quivering down to his bones._

_“You will pay, Tobias!  I will make sure of it…”_

_The scene cut again to Vern laughing as Tobias’ body was dragged from the parking lot to the bridge.  His body dangled from the edge of the bridge, seeing the water underneath him._

_“Enjoy the swim, Beecher!” He and his men pushed him off. Tobias screamed as everything turned red, suffocating him, almost killing…_

“No!” Tobias yelled as he sat up on his bed.  He gripped the covers, trying his best to calm down.  “Shit,” he cursed, running his fingers through his damped head.  Just when he thought he might have a good night sleep.

 

“Toby? What’s wrong?” Elliot asked as he rubbed his back soothingly. 

 

Tobias jerked away from his touch. 

 

“Don’t you fucking touch me, Chris!” he yelled before he realized what he’s done.

 

“I won’t.  I’m sor—”

 

Tobias quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him. “I…shouldn’t have done that.  I should have warned you before…”

 

“Calm down, Tobias,” Elliot said calmly, “Just talk to me.”

 

“I need some fresh air,” Tobias rose from the bed.  He couldn’t deal with Elliot, his nightmares, not even himself.  He needed to be alone. 

 

He slid the glass door open and stepped onto his balcony.  Immediately he knew it was a bad choice, but the cold wind against his body made him feel better.  He leaned against the rail.  A few hours ago, he was in pure bliss.

 

Elliot wasn’t like Keller, he was better.  Maybe it was the lack of any type of sexual action or he needed an escape.  All he knew was, he enjoyed it.  The intimacy, the fact he felt safe and the ability to allow himself to let go.  Tobias was in ecstasy, enjoying the ways Elliot made him come and relax at the same time.  And when Elliot entered him one last time, Tobias wept.  It was one of the few times he actually pushed the past behind and lived.

 

Then the nightmares started and he can barely look at Elliot.

 

Tobias rubbed his face.  He knew this was a bad idea.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias looked out the balcony.  He was fully clothed, smoking a cigarette.  He knew cigarettes can kill him, but he needed something to satisfy him. 

 

“Hey,” Elliot said as he came out the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

 

“Hey. Look, Elliot—”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Tobe.”

 

Tobias stared at him.  “I basically freaked out and called you by my ex’s name.  I thought you wouldn’t want to speak to me after…well…”

 

“Tobias,” Elliot stood several inches away from him, caressing the side of his face.  “I want to be there for you, to help you. Let me.”

 

Tobias moaned against his touch.  God, he wanted to let Elliot in, allow himself the vulnerability from last night.  And he could if those nightmares stop interrupting his life. 

 

_“You will pay…”_

Tobias snapped out of his thoughts when his phone rang. “Excuse me.” He pushed Elliot slightly away as he answered his phone. “Hello.”

 

“Tobias.”

 

“Angus,” he said breathlessly, “Hey, what’s going on?  Is everything alright?”

 

He heard his brother sniffing.  “Angus?”

 

“Tobias, come home, please,” he said on the verge of tears.

 

“Angus, what’s going on?  Tell me?” He pled.

 

“Are you sitting down?”

 

Tobias sat on his couch.  “I’m sitting down.  Now tell me.”

 

Angus sighed as he told him the truth.  When he was done, Tobias dropped the phone.  He kept staring at the plain wall as tears came down his face.  His whole body quavered, all the colors faded from his face. 

 

“Tobias?” Elliot asked, slowly walking towards him.

 

“My…my…” Tobias barely could get the words out when Elliot sat next to him and held him.  All he could do was lie his head on his shoulder and cried.

 

“What happened?”

 

“My…father…just died.”

 

In the distant he could hear Vern laughing.  Another victory for him.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias sat near the window, looking at the scenery periodically.  His hands shook as he tried to concrete on the music playing from his IPod.  A few days ago, he found out the worse news since he discovered that his wife and son died.  It took him the whole morning for him to come to terms with what happened. 

 

He sighed, twisting the wire of his headphones.  He should have seen his family more often.  He should have been a good son to his father and mother.  He should have.  He should have.  He should have.

 

He took some time off from work.  Said asked if he could do anything to help him.

 

_“Pray for me.”_

_Said nodded and they prayed._

Sister Pete prayed for him as well.  Their session lasted for a couple of minutes before he left for New Haven, Connecticut.  Ryan gave his condolences and called to make sure he was alright. 

 

As for Elliot, he was there for him, every step of the way.  Tobias felt bad, embarrassed to put it bluntly.  One good evening went to hell in a couple of hours.  He was surprised Elliot still wanted something to do with him.  After all, he called him “Chris” and tried to push him away.  But he was still there, waiting for him. 

 

“New Haven, Connecticut.  Please collect your items and exit to your right.  Thank you,” said the stewardess.

 

Tobias took a deep breath and gathered his belongings.  He followed the stewardess to his exit.  When he finally stepped off the train, he didn’t recognize his birth place.  Things had changed since he was there four years ago.  New buildings were added into the city.  The train station was larger with places to eat and shop.  He felt like a stranger in a strange land, searching for familiarity but finding none.

 

“Tobias!”

 

Tobias turned to his right to find his baby brother, waiting for him near the exit gate.  He smiled, making his way towards him.  It’s been a year, a long time in his books.  He stood in front him, not sure to hug him or run for the next train home.  Yet, he had to tell himself, his brother wanted him.  His mother wanted him.  Vern couldn’t take that away from him.

 

“I missed you,” Angus said, hugging him.

 

Tobias closed his eyes and sighed.  _This couldn’t be happening_ , he thought as he melted into the embrace.  He wished he was there for his brother before the turn of events.  Just to feel like a family before it went to hell.

 

“I’m…sorry…”he whispered.

 

“Don’t worry about it.  You’re home, that’s what matters.”

 

_Home_ , Tobias thought.  He was home.  He finally came home when his father died. 

 

“Come on, Tobe, let’s go to the house.  Mom can’t wait to see you,” He smiled despite the sadness showing through his eyes.

 

Tobias nodded, allowing Angus to lead the way.

 

**~*~**

 

“Oh my God, Tobias!” his mother hugged him tightly.

 

Tobias held her.  This was the first time since his incident he ever held his mother this close. 

 

“I missed you so much.  I wished we…we…”she cried.  She gripped his back, crying tears of joy and sadness.

 

He rubbed her back. “I know, Mother, but I’m here,” he told her repeatedly.

 

“Mother, I think Tobias need some air,” Angus tried to move her slightly away, but she refused. 

 

“It’s fine, Angus.  You go get some rest.” He smiled.

 

Angus nodded.  “Alright.  Your suit case will be in your old room.”

 

“Okay.” It was all Tobias could say as he led his mother to the living room.  Everything in the house didn’t change.  It was the way he left it.  No dust on the expensive china, the furniture remained antique, and all the paintings were left in the right place.  He saw the family portrait hanging above the fireplace.  Everyone, including himself, was so… serious.  No one smiled although they should have a reason to smile.  They were standing in their perfect places, looking at the camera man.  He doesn’t quite remember what happened during the photo shoot.  But he knew his father wasn’t happy when he told him he got suspended from Harvard.  Maybe it was why they didn’t smile.

 

Tobias shook the thought away as he helped his mother to her seat.  He sat across from her, watching her wipe the tears from her eyes with her handkerchief.

 

“Forgive me, Tobias for my behavior.  I tried to keep myself together.”  She said, her eyes red and puffy.

 

“It’s fine.  How are you?” he asked.

 

“I’m doing well.  Before you came, I made arrangement for the…um…funeral.  I thought I would pass out due to the stress of planning it.”

 

“Angus told me the funeral is tomorrow.”

 

“Yes.  Your father didn’t want a wake.  He simply wanted to be buried in the family plot.  He didn’t want any long ceremony, but a short, brief prayer at the burial.” 

 

“Mom, are you—” Tobias reached out to touch her hand when she jerked away.

 

“I’m fine, Tobias. I should be asking how you’re doing.  It’s been a while.  No telephone call, no visit since your…accident.”

 

“I’m sorry, Mother.  I didn’t know how to be around you guys.  I…needed my space.” Tobias tried his best to give his mother a reason for his absence, but it wasn’t easy.  He couldn’t tell her the real reason he stayed away. 

 

“We wanted to see you, Tobias. Your father worried about you every day.”

 

_Then he should have picked up the damn phone._ Tobias bowed his head in defeat.

 

“I know.”

 

“He worried himself sick, thinking something happened to you.  And to think he was going to leave the business to _you_.” She snapped.  She gripped the cloth in both of her hands, staring at him with all the anger she mustarded. 

 

Tobias didn’t try to fight back, but allowed her to use him as a punching bag, to be the main source of her anger.  In the end, he knew it was his fault for their pain.

 

“Mother, I think Tobias needs some rest and you do too.” He helped his mother up from the couch.

 

Tobias watched as his brother and mother left the room.  He closed his eyes and exhaled.  He wished he didn’t return home.

 

Angus returned to the living room, leaning against the entrance. 

 

“Sorry about Mom, she’s under stress.”

 

“She was never good at being under pressure.  No wonder Nana Rosie raised us. How is Nana Rosie?”

 

“Last I heard, she’s in Florida, taking care of her grandchildren.  She’s going to the funeral tomorrow.”

 

“Would be nice to see her. What about your wife?  She’s coming?”

 

Angus sighed.  He went to the alcohol bar.  “She’s at her parent’s house.  We’ve been separated for a while and I doubt we’ll get back together.”  He held a glass of apple cider gin towards Tobias.  “Do you want some?”

 

“No, recovering alcoholic.”

 

“Suit yourself,” he drank it in one take, “I can see why Father took to the bottle too.  The Beecher men are no match to marriage, responsibilities, and business.  I’ll be surprised if I lived passed fifty.” He laughed sadly.

 

“How long have you been drinking?” Tobias asked, noticing the second glass in his hand.

 

“I’m not an alcoholic.  I can stop at any time.  I just need it to—”

 

“Get through the day.  I said the same thing and guess what happened.”

 

Angus put the glass down and sat next to his brother.  “It wasn’t your fault.  Gen…she…had her problems.  You know she’s been depressed since she had Gary.”

 

 “I told you before, she was murdered by Schillinger.  And so was Gary.  He wanted to make me suffer, so he took the people I loved,” he snapped.  He stood from the sofa and paced around the room.

 

“Tobias, there were no proof of foul play.”

 

“That’s because he set it up like it was a suicide.  Come on, Angus, you got to think.” He pressed his hands on his shoulders, “Gen was depressed, but not enough to kill herself and she will never kill Gary.”

 

“Tobias…”

 

“You were the only one who believed Vern tried to kill me.  Can you, at least, believe he was involved in Gen’s murder?”

 

“What if he was, Tobias?  What if he deliberately got in your house, knocked Gen unconscious, put her and Gary in the car and turned on the engine, and watched them die outside?  He was in court the day Gen died.”

 

“He had an accomplice.  It was one of his sons.  He did claim he ‘defended’ them when he shot Thomas Mitchell.”

 

“Tobias!  Accept the fact Gen killed herself and your son.”

 

“I can’t, Angus. I know Vern did it.  I know he had them murdered.  Like I know Vern is somewhere, waiting to finish me off, if he found out I’m still alive.”

 

“Vern is probably dead, Tobias.  They haven’t found him in like two years.  Move on, Toby.  You need to.”

 

There was silence between them.  Tobias leaned against the wall while his brother remained in his seat, icing his drink.  They were at it again like a year ago.  He was the only one who supported him during his recovery, but it changed when he didn’t believe Gen died from foul play.  It was a big stretch, but he had a feeling Vern killed her. Like he almost killed him. 

 

He shivered.  It took him a while to believe Vern will never return, but he still left an imprint on him that hardly went away. 

 

“I’ll need to check on Mother.  I’ll talk to you later.” Angus finished his glass and placed on the bar. 

 

Tobias heard his footsteps going up the stairs.  He looked at the bar; the urge to drink was there.  He never thought his father’s death will bring out more demons.  He looked at the portrait.  His sin definitely left a mark on his family.  


	6. Chapter Five

The funeral started at noon and ended fifteen minutes later.  Tobias’ mother was right; all he wanted was a small ceremony with his close friends.  Angus took his rightful place sitting next to her as Tobias sat next to him.  His mother refused to look at him all morning.

 

They remained seated as each person gave their respect.  Some were surprised to see Tobias and spoke to him few seconds more.  Tobias lost count of how many times he shook their hands, explained in short words what happened to him, and nodded in gratitude for their condolences. 

 

When everyone, excluding him and his family, left the cemetery, they had a few more moments to say goodbye. Tobias touched the casket, tracing the oak wood ordered from the other side of the States.  He held back his tears as he watched it being lowered to the ground. 

 

“I am sorry for your loss, Victoria.  If there’s anything I can do for you…”

 

The thin hair on his arms raised as his eyes widened with disbelief.  He turned around to find the one person he didn’t want to see. 

 

“Thank you, Davis, we appreciated it,” his mother said.

 

The Judge hasn’t changed since the last time he saw him.  He was in his late-fifties, hair gelled back to show off his sharp jawline.  His suit was pressed, posture still solid and broad.  Yet there were something different about him.  He was no longer the man he admired, but a fraud. 

 

And he had the nerve to appear at his father’s funeral and make small talk with his family! 

 

_“You should have never opened you mouth, Tobias.  I worked too damn hard for this to come out.” The Judge yelled._

_“I had to turn him in, Judge Davis.  He lied to you and me.”_

_“Tobias, you will take back what you reported to the police.”_

_“Why?” Tobias laughed, “He is not the Vern you knew from years ago.  He killed those men in cold blood.  How can you excuse that!”_

_“Vern was protecting himself.”_

_“I can’t believe you are buying into this bullshit.”_

_“Tobias,” The Judge looked at his fireplace, watching the flames dance to its own song.  His eyes narrowed as he said his name with much more venom._

_Tobias quickly stopped talking and looked at his mentor, questioning him._

_“Vern doesn’t deserve to be treated as a criminal.  He is doing what is right for our race.”_

_“Sir…”_

_The Judge smiled.  “Don’t sir me, Tobias, you know what I mean.  Vern is a hero to the Brotherhood.  He fought for your rights as a white man.  We are not about to let_ them _take this country away.  I picked you to defend him because you had a lot of things to lose.  Your wife’s filed for divorce, your escapades are office gossip, you’re a drunk who shamed your own family.  This case would help you rebuild the family’s name.  Now, you will take back what you said and get Vern cleared of all charges. “_

_“I refused to help someone who is guilty of a crime and violates people’s civil rights.  I am excusing myself from the case.”_

_Tobias was about to leave his office when the Judge called out to him._

_“Remember, Tobias, you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.  I can end your career for turning your back on us.”_

Tobias balled his hands into a fist.  He wished he brought a gun, just to see the fucker bleed to death. 

 

“Tobias.” The Judge smiled, “It’s been a long time since I saw you.  My God, you have a beard now.  It’s looks…nice on you.” He hugged him.

 

Tobias remained still.  He narrowed his eyes, thinking back on what Vern did to him. 

 

“Tobias, don’t you dare embarrass us.  Give your mentor a hug.” His mother suggested.

  

Tobias didn’t want to cause a commotion at the cemetery.  He leaned forward and give him a loosely, heartless hug. 

 

“You and Vern tried to kill me,” he whispered ferociously.

 

“Thank God you lived,” he whispered back. 

 

_Yea right,_ Tobias thought as he released him.

 

“Would you like to have dinner with us, Davis,” asked Tobias’ mother.

 

The Judge nodded.  “Of course, it would be nice to have dinner with you and your family before I live for Virginia.  Tobias,” he looked at Tobias with a sly smile, “you can tell me what you’ve been doing lately.”

 

_“Let’s teach him a lesson, Vern,” The Judge banged Tobias head against the bricked wall._

“Maybe,” Tobias response, dreading the ride home.

 

**~*~**

 

“This is a delicious meal you prepared, Victoria.  This taste better than my wife’s cooking,” The Judge commented before taking another bite out of his roasted duck.

 

“Oh Davis, thank you so much.  It is a secret family recipe.  I only cook it on special occasions.” She took a sip of her wine, smiling at him.

 

“You should do it more often.” He laughed. 

 

Tobias nursed his water with lemon, sitting next to The Judge.  He was quiet the whole time, watching him while he talked. 

 

The Judge still found a way to be part of their lives.  He still couldn’t get over the fact The Judge pretended as if his near death experiences never happened.  The man he trusted for most of his life was a lying murder who defended a racist sadist. What else was The Judge lying about over the years? Was he part of the Brotherhood?

 

Nevertheless, those questions didn’t bother him compared to actually dinning with his attacker.  _He should be dead, along with Vern._

 

“Tobias, you haven’t touched your food.  Is everything alright?” His mother asked.

 

“Yes, everything is fine, Mother,” he smiled despite the adrenaline running through his veins.  He held the knife in his hand, playing with it like a toy.  He wondered if he just stabbed him in the back would he bleed black or red blood…

 

“He’s probably not hungry, Victoria.  His father just died and it’s taking him some time to get use to his absence. I know I was like that when my wife died a year ago.”

 

“Of course, Davis, Tobias was always the emotional one.  When something happens, he’s the first one to react,” she teased.

 

Tobias grimaced.

 

“I know.  When he did his first case, he didn’t know what to do.  He panicked before he gave his first argument.” He laughed which echoed through Tobias’ ears.  He closed his eyes and all he could see was The Judge’s devilish face behind Vern as they beat him up.  He could smell the mixture of blood and sweat surrounding him.  His smug face, rooting Vern on as they took turns to make his life a living hell. 

 

“Tobias?” The Judge exclaimed.

 

Tobias opened his eyes and noticed it was him and the Judge, alone, in the dining room.

 

“Your mother and Angus went to the living room for drinks.  I told them I will keep you company since you don’t drink anymore. How long has it been since your last glass of gin?”

 

“Why are you here?” Tobias asked suddenly. He didn’t look at him but kept his eyes on his glass of water.

 

“What do you mean?  I am a friend of your father—”

 

“And you tried to kill your friend’s son.  I thought you went to hell with Vern, but I guess you wanted to rub it in my family’s face that you got away with attempted murder.” Tobias faced him.  His whole posture stiffened whereas his eyes full of rage.

 

The Judge frowned.  “I didn’t know Vern was going to kill you.”

 

“Liar,” Tobias snapped.

 

The Judge remained calm.  “I thought he was going to beat the shit out of you.  He wasn’t pleased when you turned him in for his past crimes. He simply lost it and I couldn’t calm him down.”

 

“So he killed my wife to get back at me…or maybe it was you who killed her and my son.”

 

“Why would I do that, Tobias?  Why would I kill your wife and son?  You put her under a lot of stress with your affairs and drinking problem.  Then you continued to lose cases while she suffered alone with no one to console her.  She had a reason to take her life.”

 

“Right,” Tobias sarcastically said.

 

The Judge laughed.

 

“What’s so damn funny?”

 

The Judge smirked. “I’m surprised Vern didn’t go after you.  Well, he thought you were dead.  I did too until Victoria told me you were in the hospital.  I told Vern and he said ‘I will get him when he least expected’.  I never thought he would go after your father instead.”

 

Tobias spit out his water and looked at him with disbelief. 

 

“What the fuck did you say?” Tobias’ father died of a heart attack.  He didn’t take care of himself.  There was no way he was murdered.

 

The Judge kept his composure.  “Vern was always a man who wanted to make his enemies suffer.  He was good at it.  When Andrew and Hank bought drugs from an African American man, Vern wanted to kill him.  Instead, he killed the poor boy’s mother. It was sad, but, at least, he got the point.” 

 

“What I am saying, Tobias, is Vern was surprised you lived and not broken.  Now, he wants you to break until you can’t stand yourself anymore.”

 

“And you didn’t protect my father!” Tobias gripped the knife until his knuckles turned white.

 

“It was nothing personal, just business.” He sipped his wine.  “Corbet 1889, I love this wine.  I think your father loved it too.”

 

Tobias didn’t remember pushing the chair away from underneath him.  He didn’t know how he pinned The Judge to the table and held a knife to his neck.  He wanted to kill him, slice his throat and hope he was on a slow trip to hell.

 

The Judge laughed.  “Go ahead and try, Tobias.  I will make sure you will never see the light of day again.  And you can try going back to New York and move to a different location. Vern will find you.  Who knows?  Maybe he’ll kill your mother or your brother.  As long as you’re still alive, he’s alive too.”

 

“Then why haven’t you killed me, you sick fuck.” He hissed.

 

“Because I want to see the fear in your eyes and watch your world crumbling down,” he whispered.

 

“Tobias!” his mother cried.

 

Tobias released The Judge.  His mother pushed him aside as she helped him up.  Angus looked at him, confused and scared.  All Tobias could do was leave the dining room and went to his room.

 

He quickly shut the door and leaned against it.  His heart quickened in pace as his whole body trembled in fear and anger.

 

Vern killed his father? The Judge had to be lying.  There were no wounds on his body.  There was no way Vern could have done it.

 

Bu what if he did?

 

Tobias slammed his hand against the door.  It can’t be.  I can’t be.

 

_“You will never escape me, Beecher.  I will always find you, no matter what…”_

Tobias felt the anger coursing through his veins as the night flashed before his eyes.  The laughter, the pain, the faces, and the hell he went through.  The recovery, the doubts, the fears, the sleepless nights, the paranoia…the paranoia…Tobias punched the door.  He kept punching it until his hands were torn and bloody. 

 

Vern Schillinger is still a monster, even if he killed his father or not. Tobias let this man run his life for the last two years.  He wasn’t about to let him ruin it anymore. 

 

Sister Pete was right, he needed to move on and channel his anger.  It was the only way for him to have control over his life. 

 

That night, for the first time, Tobias didn’t wake up in the middle of night screaming.  Instead, he found sleep and actually smiled.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias waited at Grand Central Station.  He told his mother he would stay for a week but after what happened last night, he couldn’t.  It was for the best, in his opinion.  Pulling a knife at the neck of a man who helped a murderer get away wasn’t a proper way to greet a family friend.  At the same time, he didn’t trust the supposed family friend with his family for the duration of his trip.  But, his mother chose The Judge over him and Tobias had to live with it. 

 

Angus dropped him off the train station in Stamford.  He was a bit surprised, like their mother, but he still spoke to him.  They hugged and Angus wanted him to come back in spite what their mother said.

 

_“We only have each other, Tobias.  I don’t want to lose you again.  Hell, you don’t have to visit Mother, just visit me.”_

_“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”_

 

Tobias will return for a visit or two, but there were other things on his mind.  He looked at his watch, waiting for his ride to pick him up. On these days, he wished he had a car. 

 

Tobias was about to dial his friend until he heard his voice.

 

“Beecher!” Ryan walked towards.

 

“My favorite Irishman,” he hugged him, “How are you?”

 

“Great.  Gloria and I got back together.  Still workin’ out something with my baby mama, but doesn’t matter right now.  Anyway, I know you didn’t call about my business.  What’s up?”

 

“I need a favor.” Tobias bluntly said, pulling Ryan away from prying eyes.

 

“What kind of favor?”

 

A train passed them.  Slowing down when it reached it’s finally destination.  The more it slow down, the more Ryan’s facial expression changed.  He stepped away from Beecher, almost tripped over his own feet. 

 

Tobias stood at the same spot.  His face was neutral, emotionless.

 

“Damn, Beecher, you’re sure?” Ryan asked after the initial shock wear off. 

 

Tobias nodded. “I’m sure.”

 

Ryan attempted to speak, but nothing came out of his mouth. 

 

“I can get someone else…”

 

“No, it’s just…I’m surprised.  But I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Tobias smirked.  He patted Ryan on his shoulder as they left the train station. “Nice doing business with you.”


	7. Chapter Six

Carol’s Diner was a hole-in-the-wall restaurant on Borden Avenue.  It was a couple blocks away from Tobias’ apartment.  He enjoyed the food, especially their strawberry and cream fried pies. 

 

The place had a good crowd, about twenty or so people.  It attracted the older crowd due to its cozy, ‘no place like home’ feel.  He suggested it to Elliot before they did their morning run.  It was a good way to end a nice thirty minute run, although the fried food could ruin their health.

 

Elliot finished telling him about his rough day at work when Tobias interrupted him, “I’m buying a car.”

 

 Elliot laughed. 

 

“What’s so funny?” Tobias raised a brow.

 

“It’s just…you buying a car?  I’ve been telling you about buying one for months.  What made you change your mind?”

 

Tobias shrugged.  “I can’t depend on public transportation.  What if I want to visit my folks and the metro breaks down?  What if I have to go out of town for business? The bus takes too long.  The train is— as much as I enjoy riding on it— too expensive in the long run.”

 

Elliot snickered. “Tobias, you work for a non-profit legal aid firm.  I doubt you’ll have to go out of town to visit a client.  Besides, you were the one who claimed, ‘cars are useless.  You don’t need a car for _everything_.’  Try being a cop without a car for a week and then you’ll be singing a different tune.”

 

“You’re an asshole.  I don’t know why I keep sleeping with you when it’s against AA rules,” Tobias exclaimed.

 

“Well, either we stop sleeping together or I can stop sponsoring you.”

 

“Really? Don’t I get a third option,” Tobias sarcastically said.

 

“Or we could get married tonight. Then we’ll be forced to see each other twenty-four hours a day.”

 

“Speaking of which, what _is_ our relationship status?” Tobias wouldn’t call it friendship, fuck buddies, or lovers.  They were somewhere in the middle which could lead to something more.  And Tobias wanted more.

 

 “I don’t know.  I know I like you.  And as much as you try to deny it, you like me too.  We want something from each other.  So…”

 

“We’re friends with benefits?” Tobias joked

 

“The way you said it makes it seem like all we do is fuck.” Elliot mocked being offended.

 

Tobias teased, “When we’re not arguing…”

 

“…or when you’re not avoiding me.  What’s up with you lately?”

 

Toby stiffened.  “I’ve been busy.  Been seeing Sister Pete, spending more time at the gym, making arrangements…”

 

“Making arrangements for what?  Are you leaving—”

 

“No,” Tobias interrupted him, “I’m not leaving New York.  I’m just taking a little vacation.  I deserve it.  I’ve made progress in the last couple of weeks.  Not having those dreams, keeping my anger in check.  I’ve been a good boy.” Almost all of it was true, but he wasn’t going tell Elliot that.

 

“Where you’re going?”

 

“I’m going to see my brother.  He’s starting a firm in Virginia.”

 

“Tobias.”

 

Tobias hated the way Elliot said his name.  It’s harsher, authoritative and Tobias didn’t need another person controlling him. 

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t _what_ me.  You’re going back to the place where you almost died.”

 

“I’m not going to Lexington, Elliot.  I’m going to Alexandria.  My brother is setting up a new branch there. He wants to expand the family business. ”

 

Elliot quivered a brow.  “That’s why you want a car?”

 

“No, I really want a car to stalk you.”

 

Elliot let out a chuckle before he turned serious. “I can take you.  I need a vacation after the hell I’ve been through at work.  We can take one together and talk more about our relationship status,” he proposed.

 

“I need to do this on my own.” As much as Tobias liked the idea, he didn’t plan on having any distractions.  In order for his idea to work, Elliot cannot go with him. 

 

 “Why?”

 

Tobias rubbed his face.  He sensed the frustration in Elliot’s voice.   

 

“Goddamnit, Elliot, stop being so overprotective of me.  I will be fine in Virginia, with my brother.  If I need you, I will call you.  Okay.”

 

Elliot folded his arms across his chest.  “Fine.  I hope you have a good time.”

 

Tobias sighed. They went from being acquaintances to bedroom lovers in a few weeks.  He may have known him for a while but this new form of intimacy between them was new, along with their expectations.  Tobias wondered if it was worth exploring something more with Elliot in spite of his own demons and his mind still confusing him for Keller.

 

“Thanks, Elliot.” It seemed like the right thing to say.  Elliot was still pissed, but he will get over it.

 

They didn’t speak to each other for the next five minutes.  Tobias rotated between looking at his clock and eating some of his food.  He loathed the silences, it made his mind wonder to dark places.  It was when Vern liked to show up and taunt him more.

 

“It’s good you’re close to Angus after your dad died,” Elliot said, finally making eye contact, “How have you been dealing with the loss of your dad?”

 

“It’s hard, Elliot, I wished I could’ve been there for him.”  It was still hard for Tobias to talk about his father.  He missed him, plain and simply.  He wished to God he could’ve been a good son to his father.  To actually mend their relationship so they could be on good terms again.  All he had left was the memories.

 

Tobias swallowed a lump in his throat before he changed the subject. “When I get back, we need to talk about our relationship.”

 

Elliot was taken aback.  Tobias should have kept his mouth shut.

 

“If you want to st—”

 

 “I want you,” Tobias interrupted him, “There I admit it.  But there is things I need to sort out before we can move forward.  Wait for me, please.” He pled.

 

He watched Stabler look from him to the outside window to the people coming in and out of the restaurant.  He then returned his attention to Tobias.  He held Tobias’ underneath the table, tightly, refusing to release it.

 

“Don’t keep me waiting too long, Tobias.”

 

“I won’t,” Tobias responded, never letting his hand go.

 

**~*~**

 

“You’re sure you don’t need any help packing?” Elliot asked as Tobias got out of the car.

 

“No.  I got it covered.  Besides I know the _real_ reason you want to help me pack.” He winked.

 

“Can’t help a guy from trying,” he laughed, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Yea,” Tobias cupped his chin before bringing them to his lips.  It wasn’t as intense as the last kiss a couple of hours ago.  It would have to do until he was ready to move forward.  “See you,” he whispered in between the kisses.

 

“Count on it.” One more kiss before he drove away from the apartment complex.  Tobias waited until he couldn’t see his car.  He frowned, looking at his watch. 

 

“Come on, Ryan,” he mumbled.  He talked to Ryan last night about their arrangement.  Tobias knew Ryan would keep his word, after the large amount of money he’s paid him. 

 

Before Tobias got a chance to pull out his cellphone, he saw an old Cadillac car driving speedily down the road.  Tobias jumped out of the way as the car stopped in front of him. 

 

“I’m not gonna crash into you, Tobe.  Now get in. I don’t have all day,” Ryan advised.

 

Tobias got in the backseat.  He noticed a man with long, thick blonde hair tied into a ponytail.  One hand had a blue sock puppet, similar to the one he saw on TV years ago, when he was recovering from his injuries. 

 

“Ryan, we need to get home soon before Sally’s Playhouse start.”

 

“I’ve told you, Cyril, we may not make it in time.  Gloria is gonna record it for you.  Just wait.” Ryan noticed the confused expression on Beecher’s face.  “Sorry.  This is my older brother, Cyril.  He’s kinda…”

 

“Nice to meet you,” he forward his hand. 

 

Cyril looked at it for a brief second before his clothed hand shook Tobias’ hand.  A lopsided smile appeared on his face as Ryan mumbled under his breath. 

 

“I’m taking you to my business.  Pick out any gun you want, but make sure you pick one that will blow a hole in that asshole’s face.  Then I’ll take you to an old friend of mine.  He might have something for you.” Ryan took a sharp right turn to the Warehouse district in Astoria. Astoria is a nice place for Hipsters and upper class people to escape the crowded streets of Manhattan.  However, Astoria’s Warehouse district was a shady place where underground businesses were done. 

 

Tobias only went to the place twice throughout his whole entire stay in Queens.  The first time, he was drunk out of his mind and needed a release.  On the second time, Elliot found him on the streets and drove him to a hospital.   

 

He shivered.  He didn’t want to return to that hell again.

 

The warehouses looked the same: broken windows, missing doors, streets decorated with litter and decay.  There were people engaging in sin and those who come for it. 

 

Ryan drove into a dimmed lighted road.  It was the last warehouse on the street.  Several windows were broken and some graffiti painted on the side.  He jerked a bit when Ryan stopped the car.

 

“This is it: my place of business, away from the cops and Gloria. “ He got of the car and so did his brother.

 

Tobias followed them.  He noticed the warehouse was small compare to the others on the street and the bricks were uneven and crumbling due to age.  They walked behind the warehouse.  Tobias saw gates surrounding the door.  Ryan opened the gate and proceeded to the metal door. 

 

Tobias watched Ryan entering the numbers on a hidden key pad.  Automatically, the door opened.

 

Cyril entered the building first, smiling from ear to ear.  Ryan stepped aside.

 

“After you, Beecher.”

 

Part of Tobias wanted to turn back and call it a night.  However, he didn’t want to turn back.  Instead he wanted to do it.  Although the nightmares were less frequent; he didn’t wake up late at night; and still goes to sessions and made a lot of progress, Vern will never leave him alone.  It had to end.  What he is engaging in is wrong, but he needed it.  It was the only way for him to have peace and honor his deceased family members. 

 

Tobias took a deep breath and entered the building. 


	8. Chapter Seven

Andrew Schillinger injected he last ounce of heroin into his arm.  His father would fucking kill him, but he wanted it. Heroin was like candy: he would do anything to have it.  The drug sent him to different places and made him feel invincible. 

 

During the day, he felt like shit, as if he didn’t belong.  He had to pretend that everything is fine in order to make it through the day.  By night, he is dying for the hit.  He can’t even take a piss without thinking about it.  It consumed him which got his ass kicked out of the Brotherhood. 

 

Andrew went to his night stand and pulled out his camcorder his pops gave him on his seventeenth birthday. 

 

His father wasn’t too happy at first about his decision to go to film school.  He thought it was a waste of time.  But, after seeing his first documentary which focused on the history of their family, he came around.  He did everything he can to make sure his son had he best.  At least he wasn’t as fucked up as Hank, at the time.

 

Then Andrew dropped out after his first year.  During that time, Andrew discovered heroin and instantly became hooked.  His old man wasn’t pleased and stopped funding his education…well Mr. Davis Williams, his pop’s friend, did. 

 

Andrew tilted the camcorder to the side, examining it like it was an antique book.  This machine holds so many secrets that can put all of them in prison.  He almost ruined their cover by talking to some mick in a bar a couple of nights ago. He blamed it on the drugs, but it was a lie.  He never knew when to keep his mouth shut.  If his old man found out about him exposing some of their secrets, his ass was dead.

 

He put the camcorder on the bed.  He can’t do it.  It was the only thing he had that was value to him, but he needed another hit.

 

Andrew loved his camcorder, but he loved heroin more.

 

The side effects began to kick in.  Everything seemed to spin as he laid his head on the pillow and enjoyed the ride.  He turned on the television and watched the late night talk show.  He had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, but Jay Leno’s chin grew two sizes bigger. 

 

Everything became a blur as his heart beat sped and his world spun until it came to a crash.  He closed his eyes.  He faded deeper into his subconscious, escaping his miserable existences.

 

_“Andrew, do you love me?” his father asked._

_“Yea.”_

_He smiled.  “If you do this for me, I will bring you back into the Brotherhood. But you can’t fuck it up.”_

_“I won’t.”_

_“Good, you see that guy walking down the street.  The sharp noise, polo shirt wearing fucker?”_

_“Yea.  What about him?”_

_“Tomorrow, we will fuck him up. He dishonored our family and our code. He must pay for it.”_

_The scene changed to the man lying on the ground, bleeding.  He tried to speak but Karl kicked him again.  James joined in, laughing._

_“Come on, Andrew, show him to never disrespect me.”_

_Andrew kicked him while filming the whole thing.  He was high out of his mind.  Singing, laughing, dancing until Hank slapped him across the face.  Mr. Davis Williams watched from the distant, not interested in the event.  Whatever.  Tonight, he was his father’s son and he was invincible._

_The laughing faces began to blur.  He was invincible.  He was a fucking god._

Andrew woke up to a bang.  He fell off the bed and quickly grabbed the closest thing he can find.  He slowly left his bedroom and walked into the hallway.  He gripped the baseball bat, holding away from his body.  The whole apartment was dark and Andrew could only see the outline of the furniture, or the lack thereof.

 

“Who the fuck is there?” He asked. 

 

No one answered.

 

He hit the wall with his bat but still no answer. 

 

Andrew was ready to attack until he clutched his stomach. 

 

“Shit, not this, not now.” He groaned.  His stomach rumbled, growling uncontrollably.  Soon he realized he couldn’t take it anymore.  He dropped the bat on the floor, and ran into the bathroom.  He kicked the door behind him, bended over and vomited all the food he had for the day.  Andrew felt the world crumbling around him whilst his body weakened.  Andrew laid his head on the toilet, the smell of rot and puke filled his noise as some dripped from the side of his lips. 

 

Andrew knew he was coming down from his high and he needed more.  His body ached, decaying on itself, a good sign he needed help.  But he couldn’t do it.  He needed the hit.  He craved the pale liquid to make him feel good.

 

He laid there, listening to his heartbeat.  He watched the lights flicker off and on, making him feel like he was in the drug den yesterday night.  It was where most drug fiends hung out.  He went there a couple of times and if his pops found out about it, he would definitely kick his ass.  His father didn’t want him around niggers and spicks.

 

Andrew laughed. It was all about appearances.  But he realized they were all fucked up, no matter the color. 

 

He was fucked up.

 

Andrew slowly rose from the toilet and walked to the sink. He almost fell on his face, but he caught the edge of the sink to keep his balance.  He looked at himself in the mirror and realized he looked like hell.

 

Pimples all over his face, dark circles around his eyes, pale as shit, lips cracked and bruised after being punched for not paying his dealer on time. 

 

He frowned.  He was shit and nothing could change it.

 

He rubbed his eyes, ready to leave the bathroom until his face crashed into the mirror. He panicked, moving hands at any given direction, clawing at the person.

 

“Get the fuck off, mother fucker!” he yelled, pushing the person away from him.  But it earned him his head being pushed into the mirror.  Each time his head crashed into the mirror, it cracked with his blood splatted on it.  He coughed as the blood spilled out of his mouth. 

 

Andrew tried to hold onto the wall as the person’s fingers dug into his scalp, leaving marks that burned when pulled and scratched. 

 

“Ah…please, let me go.  I…give… you.” He choked on his own saliva, gagging for air. The hot, dark red fluid ran down his face, making him appear like a zombie.  Gradually his fingers lost its grip, falling helplessly to his side.  One last thrust caused Andrew to black out, falling to his knees. 

 

Andrew was barely awake when he saw a figure kneeling at his side.  He closed his eyes then opened them, seeing a needle in his veins. 

 

“What….” He said weakly, feeling the liquid shot through his system.  His eyes rolled to the back of his head, his insides burning, exploding into millions of pieces.  He gritted his teeth, his whole body shuddered violently. 

 

He saw the figure one last time who looked at him with devil eyes.  He tried to ask him for help until his thoughts and existences faded into black.

 

Oh well, at least he got the best high before died.

 

~*~

 

_“Andrew goes see Adebisi almost every day.  He lives on Rockwell Road, a rough neighborhood.  No one will hear you scream and if they did, they won’t tell.  So I suggest you start with him.  He has something you may want.”_

_“Like what?” Tobias asked, sitting across from Ryan._

_Ryan finished his cigarette and blew out the smoke.  “It has something to do with you and Vern.  Something about recording your death.  I don’t know what else, but Andrew was pretty high.  Are you sure you want to do this, Tobe?  You don’t look like the type who’d harm a fly.”_

_Tobias leaned forward, allowing the smoke to illumined his face.  “I want to make all those mother fuckers pay for what they did to me and my family.  And when I’m done with them, I’m going after Vern and he will suffer.”_

_“Okay, I get you,” Then he turned serious. “Hey Beecher, can you do me a favor?”_

_“Sure.  What is it?”_

_“Kill Vern for me too.”_

_“What did he do to you?” Tobias asked._

_Ryan sighed, “After Cyril had his accident, he was arrested for possession of drugs.  He was roommates with Vern and…” Ryan took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts.  Tobias saw him holding back his tears and balled his hands, turning pale each second.  He reached out to him, but Ryan jerked away.  “He…raped my brother, every fucking day. I wasn’t even there to protect him.  I vowed that if I ever found him, I was gonna kill him myself.”_

_“We can do it together?”_

_Ryan shook his head. “As much as I want to, you will distract me.  You want to take your time with him.  I just want to get it over with.  And I have a reputation to uphold, I can’t get in anymore trouble, that’s your words.”_

_“I understand.  Don’t worry, I kill Verny for the both of us.” He sneered._

_“You better.”_

Tobias looked through the whole apartment, searching for something that can tell him everything he needed to know. 

 

He left the living room and entered the bedroom.  He tossed aside moldy food, old smelly clothes and other junk.  He flipped the bed over and there were nothing underneath it except roaches and a dead rat in the process of decomposition.

 

“Shit,” he cried.

 

He searched through the closet, throwing out old clothes, skin magazines, and endless amount of trash.  He wondered how Andrew could live in filth and garbage. Even the smell made Tobias almost sick, ready to vomit his own food.

 

He opened every drawer in his bedroom. Besides pictures of nude ladies and shitty drawings of the Brotherhood’s mascot, he found nothing.  He sat on the mattress, running his gloved hands through his wild hair. 

 

“This is hopeless,” he mumbled.  He knew Andrew recorded his attack. Whatever Andrew did with it was gone.  Not only that but he will never get the chance to know who else attacked him.

 

Tobias stood up, ready to leave the rat hole.  He walked a few feet from the bed, hearing a crush sound.  Tobias squatted down and saw a DVD. He picked it up.

 

“Operation Tobias Beecher,” Tobias read.

 

This was it. 

 

Tobias breathed heavily as the little disc hold everything he needed to know about that night.  He remembered some details but they were bits and pieces.  With this disc, however, he will learn everything, including the identities of his other attackers. 

 

He hooked up the DVD player to the TV and popped in the disc.  He sat on the mattress and waited for it to load.  His hands sweated, pulse quickened.  He should just destroy the disc and go back to his apartment and forget the night.  His mind screamed “leave” while his body stayed on the mattress, waiting for it to load.

 

The blue screen disappeared and he watched the night from hell reveal itself to him.

 

_Tobias’ body laid on the ground, blood surrounding him. He was barely breathing, motionless.  Vern grinned like a madman, standing over his body. Soon he turned to Andrew, who held the camera._

_“Are you recording it? Good.  You need to learn how to kill your enemies.”_

_Then Vern proceed to kick the shit out of Tobias.  Stomping on him while the others cheered him on.  They took turns kicking, hitting, and tearing him apart until he was lying helplessly.  Several times he tried to get Chris to help him.  He reached out to him, crawling, begging for help.  Chris kicked him under his chin and punched him across his face._

 

Tobias never blinked or moved as he watched the film.  He studied each frame and face.  He noticed Vern didn’t do most of the work, but his sons and two other members did.  Especially the blonde one who pulled out his night stick and beat him, busting his head wide open.

 

_“This is fun!” He hollered._

_Vern stopped him.  The dialogue wasn’t important to Tobias as he saw Chris and Vern break his limbs.  Their gleaming faces were like masks in an old Greek theatre, everything was a performance._

 

_“Heil baby heil!” Vern screamed to the camera._

_Then the finale, the scene he remembered over and over again.  They dragged his body to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Bridge.  They dangled it over the rail, laughing until it blurred into a chant of evil._

_“Let’s see if he can swim, fellas,” Vern shouted._

_One, they lifted his body._

_Two, they angled it towards the river._

_Three, they dropped his body._

_Tobias fell into river, vanishing among the waves._

_Vern appeared on screen, grinning.  “This is what happens when you fuck with me. Let’s go home.”_

The blue screen appeared.  It was finally over.

 

Tobias nose flared as his hands balled into a fist.  He heard his teeth grind against each other, his temperature rose each second. Tobias stayed on the mattress, his brain working into overload. 

 

_Two years…two goddamn years.”_ He thought. His nails dug into his palms.

 

No one helped him.  No one did shit and he spent two years trying to heal while they get to live.  He bet they were laughing at him each time his name was mentioned.

 

Tobias took the DVD out of the player and put it in his coat pocket.  He stood from the mattress and made his way out the apartment.

 

Tobias felt the autumn chills against his visible skin.  He flipped his coat collar and pressed it against his neck.  He was thankful he decided to change jackets at the last minute.  The longer, thick black jacket made him blend within the dark night sky.

 

Hardly anyone was outside, but he couldn’t help that someone was watching him.  He looked in front, behind, right and left of him.  The only people he saw was a homeless man keeping warm, a couple arguing over who cheated on who, and a crack head talking out of his ass. They weren’t out to get him so he felt safe.

 

He pushed his doubts to the back of his mind and went to his car.  He looked at the apartments one last time.  _“No one will hear you scream and if they did, they won’t tell.”_

Tobias wondered how long it will take for the police to find Andrew’s dead body.  It didn’t matter; Andrew was none of his concern.  He deserved to die.  And the rest of Vern’s party will soon join him.

 

Tobias took off his gloves and turned on his car.  Suddenly he laughed.  _One asshole down, five more to go until I kill Vern Schillinger,_ Tobias thought as drove away from the apartment and onto the road.  


	9. Chapter Eight

Tobias sat on the comfortable couch, opposite Sister Pete.  The room was warm, colorful with a nice plant near her desk.  The only light in the room was the natural sunlight from the window. It was a beautiful room despite being in the church basement.  Sister Pete said the priest gave her a little leeway in the decoration department. 

 

He watched Sister Pete looking through his journal.  She suggested he bring it to her on one of their sessions.  He didn’t have much, but for the most part, he was able to write down his nightmares and any relevant thoughts to contribute to his progress. 

 

For the last five minutes she read his journal without saying a word.  Tobias tapped his feet anxiously, hoping she will give him back the book.  He should have left the damn thing at his apartment. 

 

Sister Pete closed the book.  She took off her glass and faced Tobias. “How do you feel after channeling all your anger on to paper?”

 

Tobias shrugged.  “It helps.  I’m not having the nightmares as often as I used too.  I’m not ready to break things.  For once, I feel fine.”

 

“And the nightmares?”

 

“I don’t see Vern throwing me off the bridge.  But I’m starting to dream about my other attackers who tried to kill me. “

 

“Others?  Did you know them?”

 

“No.  They were faceless figures in most of my nightmares.  After I wrote them down, their faces became cleaner. Part of me wants to find them and kill every last one of them.”

 

“You can’t kill them, Tobias.  Not only is murder wrong, but it will not give you the relief you want.”

 

“I know, Sister Pete, but you can’t blame me for thinking about it.” He smiled.

 

Sister Pete gave the book back to Tobias.  “I had to admit, I was worried about you and your wellbeing.  But, in the last month, you have been making progress.  Do you believe this is helping you to move on?” She asked.

 

“Yea. If I want to move on, I got to do the work.  I can’t let Vern control my life.”

 

She leaned forward.  “You’ve been seeing me for the last six months, but it wasn’t until this last two that you are opening up.  I am proud of you, Tobias and a little worried.”

 

“Why?” Tobias asked in disbelief.

 

“You have a tendency to not think about the big picture. You acted upon your impulses and feel guilty later.  During our sessions, you admitted you cheated on your wife because you wanted to feel good about yourself.  Later, you were consumed with guilt when she filed for divorce.  This led you to drink even more and closed yourself off from your family.”

 

“How does this fit with my recovery?  I am not drinking or breaking gym equipment.  I am trying my best to move on and live my life before the attack.”

 

“I am advising you not to rush your recovery, Tobias.  Take your time before you act upon your impulses.  I know you.  You will try to take your situation into you own hands and push yourself until you crash.”

 

Tobias nodded.  “I understand, Sister Pete, but I’m not rushing my recovery. I will not do anything to jeopardize it.  I am going to take it one step at a time.”

 

She smiled. “Okay, Tobias, I’ll trust you,” Sister Pete looked at her watch, “I believe our time together is up. I hope you have a nice weekend and I will see next week.” 

 

“You won’t be seeing me next week.”

 

“Oh.  Where are you going?” She asked, amused.

 

 “I’m going on vacation.  I’m seeing my brother and mother.”

 

“That’s good, Tobias.  It’s nice to you getting close to your brother and mother since your---”

 

“---Father’s death, yea, it hasn’t been easy, but we’ll make it through.  Angus and I are on good terms, but my mother is a different story.  I hope by the end of the week, my mom and I will be close, like old times.”

 

“That’s good, but understand it will take some time to rebuild your relationship with her.  Just realize, she still cares and loves you and wants the best for you.” She patted his hand.  “I hope you have wonderful time with them.”

 

Tobias nodded, holding her hand.  “I will.  This will be the best vacation I had in years.” 

 

 ~*~

 “You finally bought a car.  I’m impressed.” Said told Tobias as they stood outside the center.

 

“It was long overdue,” he said, leaning against the 2006 black Sudan, easily blend into the night.  “I can’t depend on public transportation forever.  And you’ve been suggesting I should get one for a while.”

 

“I know.” Said crossed his arms, leaning against the doorway.  The frown on his face made Tobias unease.

 

“What’s on your mind, Goodson?”

 

Said narrowed his eyes at the mention of his old name.  He said, “I just find it odd you decided to get a car.”

 

“What are you talking about, Kareem?” Tobias sighed.

 

“You took a week off for vacation and bought a car at the same time.  The distances between New Haven and New York are rather short.  So why did you _really_ get the car?”

 

“What’s wrong with buying a car for a trip? You rented a car to travel to D.C. for a business conference next week.  It’s the same thing.”

 

“Don’t turn it around, Tobias.  I’ve always used a car to go to work and back.  You, on the other hand, never used a car for anything. So, why would you of all people need a car when it takes an hour to get to New Haven?”

 

Tobias looked at the crowded streets before he met the questioning glare of his old friend.

 

“I’m going to Virginia for a couple of days.”

 

Said looked at either side of them, making sure no one will hear or see them.  He closed in the space between them. He gripped Tobias’ forearm and whispered, “You’re going back to the place you almost died.  Are you going to try to find Christopher Keller, Vern Schillinger and—”

 

Tobias laughed, shaking his head.  He patted Said on the shoulder.  “I am not going back there to find them.  I’m going there to find closure.  It’s part of the healing process.  If I can face my past, then I will be able to move on.  Isn’t that what Sister Pete and you preach all the time: forgiveness, atonement, and closure?  Face the pain in order to get close to a higher power. That’s what I’m doing, Kareem.”

 

“Part of me doesn’t believe you…”

 

“Then don’t.” Tobias jerked away from his touch and went to the driver side of his car.

 

“…but I trust you.  I just pray you find that closure.”

 

Tobias smiled sadly, seeing the mixture of pain and happiness shown on Said’s face.  “I need it.  I’ll see you in a week.” He said before entering his car and driving off.  He knew Kareem was looking out for him, but it is his decision.  He had to do it for himself. 

 

Tobias turned up the radio.  The soulful, baritone voice of Nina Simone filled his ears.  Keller was never a fan of her.  He believed she sound too much like a man.  For Tobias, he didn’t think so.  Something about her songs spoke to him, made him feel the emotions she showed through the lyrics and her voice. 

 

_“But I’m just a soul whose intentions were good?”_ She sang with so much integrity and dignity.

 

Tobias drove to his apartment.  Parking on the side of the street, he got out of his car and ran up the stairs.  He should have bought a car months ago.  It would have saved him forty minutes on the metro, if he didn’t include the waiting time.  He opened the door and saw his little belongings at the corner of his living room. 

 

He frowned.  He was going to miss his little ‘home’ for a week, but it would be temporary.  He needed to get his release, to finally have control over his life. 

 

He went to the coffee table and opened the thin laptop which showed many files and opened web browsers.  There were seven pictures each having a different face.  He looked at each one with much obsession. He clicked on Andrew’s picture, viewing it one last time.  He deleted it and crossed his name off the list which was typed on Word Pad.  He looked at the other faces and matched their names on the list.  He knew which one to take down.  If everything goes according to plan, he will be able to see Angus and his mother next Wednesday.

 

Before he closed his computer, the picture of Chris caught his attention.  The smug look on his face made him want to tear him apart, to hurt him in the most painful way. After what he’d done to him in the past, he deserved what’s coming to him. 

 

However, part of him wanted Keller.  He wanted the old days, although he knew Keller played him. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, to feel the love he once thought he let go. 

 

_What about Elliot?_   
  


Tobias closed the computer and packed it in his messenger bag.  He had Elliot and deeply wanted him, but he couldn’t have him completely.  Chris wouldn’t let him and neither did Vern. 

 

Neither did himself.

 

He grabbed his belongings and looked at his apartment one last time.  He closed the door and headed downstairs.  He went to his car and put his belongs in the backseat.  He got in his car, made sure he had everything. 

 

_“You acted upon your impulses and feel guilty later.”_

Tobias sighed, gripping the steering wheel.  He knew the guilt will come up during his trip.  And part of him expected it.

 

_“…you will regret fucking with me, Tobias…”_

He laid his head back, frustrated.  It was wrong, he will admit that.  He could go to jail for the rest of his life if he was caught.  He might even die if he met Vern and the rest of his goons.  He should call it off and go back to his room and write in his journal.  But he didn’t.  He can’t let the fuckers get away with the murder of his wife, son, and father.  They won’t take his sanity or his life.  He wanted to reclaim it and there was not a damn thing anyone could do about it.

 

Tobias turned on the car and drove. 

 

_“Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.”_


	10. Chapter Nine

“I hate the late night shift,” Karl Metzger grumbled, “but someone has to do it.” He rubbed his eyes, trying not to fall asleep on the job.

 

It was a chilly night, not many people were on the streets, especially on a workday.  He didn’t want to do the late night shift, but it was his turn to patrol the empty streets and roads.  He had a reputation to uphold, to be an example to his fellow officers.

 

Metzger took pride in his job and country.  He’s been a cop for over a decade.  He pledged to serve and protect his country and his people from criminals and _the others_ who didn’t deserve to walk on God’s green earth.

 

Metzger’s dedication paid off on occasions.  He had numerous awards and a dinner in his own name thanks to his friend, Davis Williams.  He was a good man and he hoped he gets elected to the Senate.  He did have a fair shot in winning and if he does, Metzger may see a promotion in the future.  He had his eyes on being Sheriff of Lexington and in his eyes that was the biggest honor. 

 

Metzger sipped some of his coffee he brought from the local donut shop.  It wasn’t the best coffee—too stale for his taste—but it will do for now.  Besides, what it lacked in flavor, it made up with the caffeine.  He needed it.  He will be up all night, patrolling the neighborhood. 

 

Metzger parked near a repair shop.  His car was well hidden, watching cars speed or break down.  They can’t see him, but he can see them.  It was how his job worked during the night.  However, what should have been a typical night of boredom and waiting was not. 

 

It was strange, surreal.  It was similar to the night when he attacked that guy.  Well, he didn’t attack him.  He mostly _shook_ him up while Vern did the rest.

 

Vern was a family friend who bailed him out of trouble many times.  When Vern said “leap”, you had to be a dumb fuck not to listen.  He honored that man like he was his own father.  He will do anything for him. 

 

So when he met Vern at the local deli afterhours, he knew Vern wanted something.  In the deli he saw Davis and James, Vern’s right hand men. Of course, Vern’s two sons were there.  Hank and Andrew were both on that stuff, but Hank looked more sober than Andrew who was tweaked out of his mind.  Then there was another man he hadn’t seen before.  He sat on the opposite table, smoking a cigarette.  By his attitude and demeanor, Metzger knew this guy didn’t give a fuck. 

 

_“We have a little problem and I need your help.”_

_“I’m always here to help, Vern” Metzger said._

_Vern grinned, “That’s what I like to here, Karl.  Chris did most of the work for us.  All I need you to do is to make sure no police goes near Craighead Street.  We need the Warehouse District for some private business.”_

_“Okay, but why do you need the street blocked.”_

_“Well…” Vern lean forward, only to make sure it was him listening, “I have a little mutt who needs to learn a lesson in keeping his damn mouth shut. Right, Dave?” Vern smiled at Davis who nodded._

_Metzger knew that if you pissed off Davis too, then you already had a death sentence on your head. He didn’t feel for that fool who crossed them._

 

Vern finished telling Metzger his plan and the next day, they were on Martin Luther King Jr.’s bridge (he wished they’d change the name), ready to kill the mutt.  He vowed to protect the people, but if they done something to harm his family and brothers then they don’t deserve it. 

 

After they threw the mutt off the bridge, they went their separate ways.  Vern left without a trace, saying he have some other business to finish in Connecticut.  Robson returned to his ‘quiet’ life as a lowlife.  Davis putted more effect into his campaign.  Hank and Andrew left.  As for Mr. Attitude, he was there and wasn’t at the same time.  Oh well, he might be with Vern or somewhere.

 

Metzger pretended it never happened.  No one found the body; so there was no crime committed.   He went on without any distractions or guilt.

 

He bit off a piece of his croissant when he saw a speeding car.

 

“Oh shit,” Metzger cried as he turned on his flasher and drove after the man. 

 

At first, he thought he lost the vehicle.  He knew it was a black Sudan and those fuckers blended too well at night.  He still kept his current speed while searching for the car and its driver. 

 

Out of nowhere, the car appeared, driving all over the road until finally slowing down.  Metzger knew then, that person was high, drunk, or both.  _Great.  It’s one of those nights_. He thought while driving closer to the car. 

 

Suddenly the car sped up again, going straight into Seeder Road.

 

Metzger growled.  He hated that road.  Despite it being a dead end, it was wooden area which curved unexpectedly if one didn’t watch for it.  One wrong step and one can fall to their death.  The crazy driver must’ve been lost because no one this dumb will drive near it at night.

 

He drove slowly on the road.  He searched for the car that seemed to vanish again.  He hoped the fool didn’t crash or fall to his death.

 

Metzger spotted the dark car and parked behind it.  The car, despite facing the wrong direction, remained still.  Metzger undid his beat and got out of his car, with his gun strapped to his side and walkie-talkie next to it.  He hoped he didn’t have to call back up.

 

Before he could get close the driver side, the person got out of the car.  Metzger covered his noise, the strong stench of gin and whiskey was on the driver’s clothes.

 

“What…I was…gonna….the right way,” the man slurred.  He walked sluggishly, almost tripped over his feet.

 

“Stay where you are, Sir” Metzger ordered, his right hand hovered his gun. 

 

“I was tryin’ to go…to…Roxboro, North Carolina?  Did…I…” he continued to walk towards Metzger. 

 

“You are a long way from Roxboro, sir.  Please stay near your car,” he ordered again, keeping his distance from the drunk. He wished he had a good look at the drunk, but the gray hoodie made it difficult to identify.

 

“Why…should I stay still?  I’m lost…officer?” The guy kept wobbling which forced Metzger to pull out his gun.  The man quickly raised his hands up.  “I’m not gonna do anything…sir! Just put the gun down?”

 

“I told you not to move.”

 

“I wasn’t!  I was—”

 

“I said ‘don’t move!’  Now shut up so I can handcuff you.” Metzger really didn’t feel like listening to this man.  Maybe one night in the cell will sober him up.

 

“Fine…can I get something outta my car…”

 

Metzger aimed at the man’s feet and pulled the trigger.

 

The man jumped out of the way, holding up his hands defensively.  

 

“Fuck, officer!  What da…”

 

“Put your hands behind your head, face the front of the car with your legs spread apart.  Do not make a noise or this bullet will find a place through your head!” God he hoped he didn’t have to shoot another person.

 

Without another word, the man did what he was told.  Metzger smiled mentally. Perhaps this wouldn’t be a bad night as he came to the man’s direction.  He felt him up for weapons which would give him another reason to arrest him.  He thought the guy had nothing on him until he felt something hard, cold and heavy, similar to a… 

 

“Sir, I need…”

 

Without a warning, the man elbowed him in the eye before punching him dead in the face. 

 

Metzger dropped his gun as he almost tripped over his own feet, but kept his balances while covering his face.  Blood tricked down his lips. _That fucker!_

“Assaulting a cop is a felony! I will make sure you will not see the light of day, ever.”

 

“Really?” the guy no longer sounded drunk.  When Metzger thought about it, the hoodie no longer covered his face.  Metzger saw the man smirking.  A grizzly beard covered most of his face but the eyes were familiar…too familiar.

 

“Wait?  You can’t be…” Before Metzger finished his sentence, the man pulled out a heavy metal bar and swung it against his forehead. 

 

Metzger fell backwards and met with another blow to his head.  This time he blacked out.

 

**~*~**

 

“Wakey, Wakey, Metzger! Rise and shine!” The man exclaimed cheerfully, almost singing the words.

 

Metzger slowly opened his eyes, trying to readjust to the bright lights. He was no longer on Seeder Road, but inside an old tobacco factory. 

 

There was nothing in the room, empty as the day it closed down seven years ago.  The blackened windows made it hard to see or even to tell if it was morning or night. 

 

Metzger coughed a couple of times, the staleness of tobacco and dust collected into his noise, making it hard for him to breath.  He tried to cover his mouth, but his hands froze in mid-air. 

 

He shook his hands quickly, only hearing the rattles of metal chains attached to the board.  He looked at his feet, also attached to the board.  He shook his body, trying to break free as he continued to cough. 

 

“What do you want?” he cried breathlessly.

 

“That’s all you have to say to the person you humiliated two years ago, hmm?” the man asked.

 

Metzger searched the room for him, but couldn’t find him. The room was extremely bright, making it hard for him to keep his eyes opened.      

 

“What are you talking about? I’ve never met you.”  Metzger shouted into the empty room.  His pulse quickened as his wrists and ankles grew numb.  It still didn’t stop him from trying to break free from their hold. 

 

“Really?  I could’ve sworn we’ve met two years ago.  At Craighead Street, near the Warehouse District, where Vern and his little bitches beat me until I couldn’t move.  And when I cried for help, you used your big night stick and knock me out.  Do you remember now?”

 

Metzger stopped moving and raised his head slightly from the board.  He quivered a brow, confused.  This man couldn’t be _him_.  Could he?

 

_“Agh…”the man moaned as Metzger kicked him in the stomach.  His solid, stone boots left a mark on his damaged skin.  Every kick, every bruise gave him more satisfaction._

_Metzger laughed, using every force to make this man break.  This man had the nerve to fuck with his family.  It pissed him off._

_He pulled out his night stick, held it above his head and landed the final blow to Beecher’s face.  He lurch it across the man’s head as Vern and the other men broke the rest of his body._

_“This is—”_

“’—fun’ is what you said when you slung that night stick across my head.  I had fifty stitches just on my forehead alone.  It took me months before I can eat solid foods, breath without a damn machine attached to my noise, walk without a cane.  And don’t get me started on the emotional rollercoaster I had to endure just to get to this point.  And you thought I was dead when you threw me over the bridge.”

 

_“Enough, Metzger, I think it’s time for him to take a swim…”_

Metzger’s mouth slightly dropped.  He thought the guy was dead. How could this guy still be alive?

 

Soon Metzger laughed.

                                                                                                                                               

The man folded his arms across his chest.  He raised a brow in puzzlement.

 

“Now, I remember.  You’re Tobias Beecher, the little pussy who couldn’t even defend himself.  You may have grown a beard and learned a few punches, but you’re still the same pathetic excuse for a man.  So bring it! I want to see you try to fuck with me!” Metzger taunted.  He knew Beecher would not last in fight.  He probably faint before laying a finger on him. 

 

“Are you done?  You almost bore me with your ‘I’m better than you and this is why’ bullshit.”

 

“No, I’m going to show you I am better than you.  After I beat you again, I will call back up and claim you attacked me.  No one would even miss you.” Metzger twisted his wrist against the metal cuffs.  The pain coursed through his arms and wrist, but he ignored it, focused on breaking free.  

 

“Really?” Tobias moved closer.

 

“Really.” Metzger hands were almost free from the cuffs. 

 

“Good, I can’t wait for you to show me…”

 

Metzger almost got one of his wrists free until Tobias stabbed it with a sharp knife.

 

Metzger bit down on his lips as the knife dug into his wrist.  He watched the blood dripping down his wrist, reaching to his feet. 

 

His other wrist froze instinctively.  It didn’t stop Beecher from pulling out another knife and pinned it inside his wrist.  Metzger groaned through his lips.  He tasted the salty fluid flowing between his teeth and bottom lip.  He refused to admit it hurts like hell, but he wasn’t about to give Beecher the satisfaction.

 

“Try and use it on me.  This is not the only thing I have for you.”

 

Metzger closed his eyes.  The pain cruised through his body, making him feel weak at each passing minute.

 

“Your…your…dead, Beecher.  You…think with me gone…they won’t come…after you,” he spat.

 

Beecher gripped his chin, leaning forward until Metzger could feel his hot breath upon his face.  “That’s what I want, Metzger.  I want Vern to come for me because I got something for him.  As for now, I want to get you outta the way.”  Tobias released chin and pulled out a gun.

 

“I knew you wouldn’t fight me like a man.  You took the easy way out.   I knew you were all appearance,” Metzger continued with his taunts.

 

Tobias grinned. “You’re right, but it would be too easy to kill you with a gun.”

 

Metzger laughed.

 

“Nah, I’m gonna make it easier for me to watch you die.” Tobias shot at each of Metzger’s ankles and knees.”

 

Metzger hissed.  His head moved back and forth, trying his best not to scream.  His throat wobbled, sweat dripped down his face as he lost feeling in his leg.

 

“What?  What did you say?  I can’t fucking _hear_ you!” Tobias taunted.

 

“Fu…ck…you,” Metzger stuttered.  He will not give Beecher the satisfaction of hearing him scream.  He was an Aryan, from the superior race.  They don’t give into temptation.

 

Tobias watched him, as if he enjoyed seeing him tortured. Metzger hit his head against the board, breathing quickly.

 

“I was once dead…”

 

Metzger tilted his head to the side.  Tobias leaned against the pole, arms folded across his chest. 

 

“…but now I’m alive.  And I will make sure the last thing you see on this earth is me.” He pulled the lever, next to Metzger’s wounded legs, all the way down.

 

Metzger felt a pinch in his arms.  He fanatically looked at Beecher then his limbs and back to Beecher.  He closed his eyes, banging his head against the board.

 

His body was splitting into half.

 

Metzger felt every pull and tug, but he refused to let Beecher see him in pain.

 

“So…. this is what you… call it, ‘revenge.’ The only thing that will… be on my mind is… your pathetic body lying …” he groaned.  He wasn’t about to scream.  He wasn’t about to scream. 

 

“What?  What?  Are you lost for words?  Come on, Metzger, finish it!  I dare you to tell me what’s on your mind,” He got into his face. 

 

Metzger gritted his teeth, breathing through his noise.  He wished this man shut the fuck up.  He wanted this fucker to shut up.  He heard the bones cracked on each side of his limbs.  Blood spilled out of his mouth, but no scream escaped his lips.  His vision blurred as he looked at the ceiling.  First the details became distorted until it was a fuzzy outline.  His whole body burned, overheating.

 

“Just give in, Metzger, and yell like a bitch,” Tobias affronted.  He was nothing more than a shadow in Metzger’s mind.

 

“Fu—” Metzger grasped.

 

The skin began to tear and the bones cracked in his mid-section.  Metzger couldn’t feel anything as his head spun out of control.  He barely had his eyes opened when Beecher held the metal pipe above his head.

 

Metzger thought Tobias might break his head.  He might not have to see the asshole before his timely death.  And he knew he was going to die.  He saw the white light and he was about to join his fallen brothers.  Unfortunately, Tobias plugged the metal pipe into his stomach.

 

That’s when he finally screamed.

 

“That’s a good boy, but you’re still piece of shit.” Tobias whispered in his ear as he pulled the knife out of his wrist and into his throat.

 

Metzger gasped.  The blood began to pour out of his neck.  Tobias held his chin, forcing Metzger to look at him.

 

In less than three minutes, Metzger saw his world turned dark.  First his heartbeat ceased.  Then he stopped breathing and his hearing is no more.  The one last sense to go was his sight.  The fucker was right: the last vision he had was of Tobias smirking like a goddamn monster.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias lied inside the tub.  The water was soothing to his whole body.  He looked at the ceiling, replaying the events from last night.  He smiled, remembering how he watched Metzger die and threw his body over the river.  He might have gotten too carried away, but the intent was to make him suffer, to go through the torture he’s been through.  He had to get it out of his system. 

 

He lowered his head into the water.  It scared him, though. It shook him to the core that he took another man’s life.  He crossed over to the dark side and it scared the living shit out of him.  But he was just a causality, part of a bigger plan. 

 

Maybe this was the guilt Sister Pete warned.  He would feel some remorse over his sins and try to make amends.  And Tobias did feel a bit guilty about killing Andrew.  He was a young guy who was struggling with his demons. Then again, Andrew filmed it.  He was as responsible as Metzger.  He had to die.  

 

Tobias only wished Vern watched Metzger and Andrew die. 

 

Tobias rose from the water and pushed his hair away from his eyes.  He took a deep breath and stepped out of the tub.  He went to the mirror, running his fingers through his long blonde hair.  It was strange to have shoulder length hair.  If his father saw him with that length, he would cut it. 

 

Tobias never had it this length.  He grew it and the beard because he didn’t care anymore.  He felt numb.

 

Now, he wasn’t numb.

 

He pulled out some scissors from his bag and began to cut it.  He watched his hair fell into the sink, inch by inch.  When it wasn’t long anymore, Tobias grabbed his razor and shaved the rest of it. 

 

Several minutes later, Tobias was bald.  His father wouldn’t approve of the buzz cut neither, but he was dead.  Tobias was still alive.  He rubbed his head, the silkiness made him miss his hair. 

 

He frowned.  He was bald with a beard.  He looked like the guy from Breaking Bad.  Perhaps it was a good thing.  He was intimidating, completely different from what he looked like four years ago.

 

He liked the new look already.

 

Tobias wrapped the towel around his waist and went to his bedroom.  He grabbed the black and white picture of Metzger and his lighter.  He flicked the lighter and held the picture towards it.  He watched the paper burn until it was nothing but ash.

 

Tobias grinned. He had four more on his list before he finally faced Vern.  And he will make sure Vern gets the worst of it.  


	11. Chapter Ten

_Tobias stood on the rail of the bridge.  He was in his suit and tie, watching the waters flowing beneath him._

_“You may have killed Metzger and even my son, but you won’t kill me, Beecher.  If I can get away with murder, I_ know _can get away from you.  Remember Tobias, this is your fault.”_

_“It’s not,” Tobias snapped. The wind blew against him, swaying him back and forth.  He tried to hold his balance, but it’s proven to be difficult._

_“Yes it is.  All you needed to do is keep your mouth shut and do as I say.  Your wife would be alive, along with your son and father.  But now, all you have is that guilt.” His voice was but a whisper._

_“You will fucking pay, you Nazi fuck.” He hissed._

_“We’ll see.” Then Vern pushed him off the bridge.  Tobias yelled, trying to grab onto anything to stop from falling. Instead his body fell quickly, landing into the w—_

Tobias rose from the bed, breathing heavily.  He couldn’t believe he’s still dreaming about Vern.  He doesn’t feel guilty about Metzger or Andrew’s death.  Hell, he doesn’t feel anything for them.  So why would he still dream of him?

 

_It’s wrong to murder._

“But it’s wrong to not move on,” Tobias said to himself.  He laid back on the bed, listening to the morning news. No news about Metzger’s missing body and part of him was disappointed.  At least they could have mentioned the bastard’s disappearance.  After all, he was a dedicated police officer who also liked to kill his enemies. 

 

_Oh well,_ he figured, _maybe he will show up on the 11 o’clock news._

 

Tobias rose from the bed and went to his computer.  He checked his emails. Nothing important as he went to the other opened web browser.  He looked at a website called “Find Your Man,” and entered Vern’s name.  Ryan suggested this site if he wanted to find Vern.  It will cost him some money, but it was worth the price.

 

Tobias tapped his fingers on the table, waiting for it to upload.

 

He tried to find Vern’s location.  He knew he was in New Haven, but where was the mystery.  Andrew didn’t have an address or number anywhere in his apartment.  The number on Metzger’s phone was disconnected.  It was as if Vern vanished from the face of the earth.

 

Tobias glanced at the clock on his computer. He wished it would hurry up with his request.

 

Then the sound of his phone rang.  He will deal with the search later as he grabbed his smartphone and answered it.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Hey, Tobias.”

 

“Hey, Angus.  How’s it going?” Tobias sat on the edge of the bed.

 

“I’ve been working twelve hours straight.  How you think I feel?”

 

“Like shit.”

 

“That’s your answer.” He laughed.

 

Tobias laughed too.  It’s been a while since he worked twelve hours on one or more cases.  That’s one thing he doesn’t miss about being a lawyer.  At least he didn’t have to take his work home with him.

 

“How’s Mom?” Tobias asked.

 

He heard a pause on the other end.  Something told him everything _is not_ fine. 

 

“Mother told me not to tell you until you came home, but…”

 

“But what?  What’s wrong with Mom?” Tobias asked.  He tried not to panic, but the fear slowly crept up his mind.

 

Angus sighed. “Mom’s in the hospital.”

 

“What?” Tobias cried.  His father died a month ago.  Now his mother was in the hospital.  His thoughts went back to The Judge.

 

_“Now, he wants you to break until you can’t stand yourself anymore.”_

Tobias fisted the covers, trembling.

 

“She was admitted yesterday.  I went to check up on her and I saw her on the floor, not breathing.  Dr. Jackson said she suffered a heart attack—”

 

“A heart attack? How…what…how did she…”

 

“Mom hadn’t been taking care of herself after Dad died.  She’s been under a lot of stress and…her heart gave out.”

 

“Is Mom…?” Tobias barely could breathe.  His mother couldn’t die.  They already lost their father to Vern.  He didn’t want to lose another person he loved to him too.

 

“She’s recovering.  I got her to the hospital just in time.  Dr. Jackson wants to keep her a few more days.”

 

“Thank God.” Tobias sighed in relief. 

 

“Thank God indeed.  She doesn’t want you to know about her ‘accident’ as she calls it.  She doesn’t want you—”

 

“Angus, I know I wasn’t there for mother, especially after my attack.  I want to be there now.  She our mother and you’re my brother.  We need each other.” Tobias said.  It was another reason he had to deal with his demons.

 

“Mother knows, but she’s also stubborn.  She doesn’t want anyone to worry about her.  Hell, she didn’t want The Judge to find out about—”

 

“Wait!  The Judge is there?” Tobias’ heart stopped beating.

 

“Yea. He’s leaving tomorrow.  I told him what happened to Mother.  Tobias, look, I know you don’t like The Judge but he was worried about her—”

 

“Keep him away from Mom.”

 

“Tobias, he will not hurt—”

 

“I said, _keep him away from Mom._ Make some excuse that she doesn’t need visitors or something.  Just keep that piece of shit away from her!” He snapped.  He gripped the phone, still close of throwing it against the wall.

 

“I don’t know why you all of sudden don’t like him, but fine. But when you get here, you better tell me _why_ you hate him so damn much.”

 

“You really want to know….?” Tobias said dryly. 

 

Angus sighed.  “When you put it that way, I still want to know,” He paused for a few seconds, “Look, I gotta go.  I will see you Wednesday?”

 

“Yea.  Kiss Mother for me.” Tobias said softly, no more anger in his voice.

 

“Sure.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye.”

 

“Bye.” Tobias pressed the end button.  He pulled out the pictures of The Judge and Vern from his messenger bag.

 

Tobias hated their smug smiles.  He crumpled their pictures and threw it against the wall. 

 

Tobias glanced at his laptop and saw the results from his search.  He stood up from the bed and stared at the laptop screen.  He slowly smiled. This was the best news he received in a long time. He quickly wrote the information down on paper and put it in his messenger bag. He eyed a little vial in the pencil holder. 

 

He held the vial, tilted it from side to side.  He watched the brownish liquid shake under his touch. 

 

_“This should help with what you’re doin’.”_

_Tobias looked at Adebisi who sat in a throne like chair.  A tooth pick dangled in between his lips.  The threatening frown was replaced with a sly smile as the music continued to fill the cold, gray room._

_“What does it do?”_

_“Paralyze the mother fucker.  He won’t move which give you enough time to fuck his ass up.”_

_“The whole vial?” Tobias asked, holding it between his fingers._

_“Half of it does it. If you use the whole thing, his ass will die a slow death.”_

_Tobias studied the vial.  He wasn’t sure how he would use it, but he’ll get it just in case.  So he took the vial from the rack, along with heroin and cocaine._

_“If you mixed all three, not only will he die, but he will burn inside.”_

_  
“How do you know that?” Tobias raised a brow._

_Adebisi grinned.  “Some people need to learn to keep their mouth shut…”_

 

Tobias put the vial back inside his messenger bag and quickly changed clothes.  He picked up the picture of his next target.  The man was close to his attacker.  It was time kick it where it hurts. 

 

Tobias grabbed his keys and a little package off his night stand and left his motel. 

 

**~*~**

 

Barlog’s Tires was the cheapest place to get used tires.  Tobias glanced at rearview mirror and saw the guy that was on his list.  He was a pale man with dark hair.  He was muscular as seen through the tight white shirt.  His light blue eyes made him handsome to most of the women and men.  Tobias looked at the picture and then at the man. He can see why Keller liked him.  He wondered if he loved him?

 

Tobias snorted as he put the picture in the glove compartment.  He got out of the car and followed him behind the garage.  Tobias hoped he looked appealing to him.  At this point, he wished he waited until tonight to shave his head. 

 

“Excuse me.” Tobias smiled, “I was wondering if you could help me.”

 

The man, whose carrying a stack of tires, looked at him, puzzled.  “You should go to the front desk if you have any questions—”

 

“No, I’m not looking for a used tire.  I’m looking for Christopher Keller.  He told me to meet him here.  I have something for him.” Tobias lifted the box to the man’s view.

 

“He did.” The raised a brow.  “Are you sure?  Cuz I haven’t heard from him in a while.”

 

Tobias kicked himself mentally.  “Well he told me to meet him here unless I can leave the package here with you.”

 

“You can do that.  Just follow me so I can get your information.” He led Tobias to his office, behind the garage.

 

It was a small office filled with tires, books, and dead plants.

 

“‘Sorry for the mess, I’ve been busy.  Hey, can you close the door for me? Thanks.”

 

Tobias closed the door.  He glanced at the camera on the wall before looking towards the man as he dropped the tires and sat in his chair.

 

“Shit, I’m getting’ too old for this…”

 

“Let me,” Tobias said.  He man was about to object when Tobias stood behind his chair and massaged his back.  His fingers caressed shoulders slowly, making little circles. He trailed them to the center of the back, not missing a beat.

 

“Damn, you’re good,” he groaned, relaxing under Tobias’ touch.

 

“When you’ve been in prison, you learn a thing or two on how to survive.” Tobias purred.  His lips hovered over the man’s ear.

 

“So that’s how you and Keller met? In prison?”

 

“You can say that.” Tobias pressed his palms on the middle of his back.  He kneaded it which caused the man to arch his back.

 

“That’s the spot.” He moaned, “Funny, he didn’t mention you before.”

 

Tobias licked his lips, moving his hands underneath his shirt. 

 

“Where you his prag?” he asked.

 

“I was before our relationship evolved into something more.” His fingers caressed his lower abdomen, hovering over the waistband of his jeans.

 

“So…fuck man…you two just lost touch?”

 

“Until a few weeks ago and now I’m here to drop off a little something he left behind.” Tobias looked at the camera across from him. “Does the camera work?” He asked.

 

“Huh? No, I need to get it fixed…” He let his head back as Tobias undid his pants and sank his hand inside them.  He stroked the man’s hard cock, feeling it erect to his touch.  Tobias heard him breathing hard, thrusting his hips into his touch.  Tobias rolled his eyes as he caressed the man’s neck.

 

 Quickly, the man jerked away from him.  He faced Tobias who smiled slyly.

 

“You were so tense.” He shrugged.

 

He shook head as he tried to avoiding eye contact. “So…what’s in the package—“

 

“Terry. You?”

 

“Ronnie Barlog,” he said without looking at him, “I’m the owner of Barlog’s Tires.”

 

“How long?”

 

“Since my father died.  I haven’t been around here since my last stunt in prison,” Ronnie straightened his folders on his desk.

 

“That’s how Chris and you met?” Tobias sat on the edge of the desk.  He spread his legs wide apart whilst his hand rested near his inner thighs. 

 

Ronnie licked his lips, staring at Tobias’ clothed erection.  “We grew up together.  We conned people and shit.   We lost contact with each other and a few years later, we met up in prison.  We hooked up.”

 

“How long ya’ll been together?” he held his attention by caressing his cock. 

 

“Been together for a couple of months.  He’s out of town right now. He’s…”

 

Tobias cupped the back of his neck while stroking his cock with the other one.  He pulled him closer until they were chest to chest. 

 

Ronnie tried to pull away but Tobias stopped him. 

 

“I…can’t…”

 

“It’ll be our little secret,” Tobias whispered against his lips.  His fingers stroked his neck lightly.  He wasn’t about to take no for answer.

 

“But…I lov—”

 

“Then he should be here with you,” He kissed his neck before sucking it.  His tongue ticked the skin as Ronnie squirmed under his touch.

 

“Terry…” He moaned. 

 

Tobias smiled.  He got him.

 

“Fuck…”He let his head back.  He placed his hands at the top of Tobias’ pants, ready to undo them. 

 

But Tobias stopped him.  Ronnie looked at him, puzzled.

 

“It’s not cheating if you’re suckin’ me,” Tobias tugged his bottom lip before sucking on it.

 

“It’s still cheating, but if you—”

 

Tobias pushed his head down to until Ronnie faced his clothed cock.  He relaxed, hearing Ronnie undoing his belt and zipper. 

 

Tobias stopped Ronnie.  He was about to protest when Tobias pulled out a condom from his pocket.

 

“Protection,” Tobias said.

 

“Um…sure…” Ronnie reluctantly took the little package and ripped it opened with his mouth.  He placed it in between his lips and rolled it on his cock. 

 

Tobias breathed heavily, moaning he felt Ronnie’s lips sucked on the head of his cock, like a greedy bitch. Tobias ran his gloved hands through Ronnie’s hair.  It wasn’t the same texture as his ex or, to a lesser extent, Stabler.  It was hard to picture them on their knees, blowing him.  Maybe it was the lack of rhythm or intimacy or maybe it was someone else’s mouth on his cock, but he didn’t enjoy it. 

 

Then again, Tobias didn’t come to Ronnie for a blow job in his office, or even to compare Ronnie to Chris and Elliot. 

 

Tobias thrusted his hips rapidly as his hands held his neck.  His thumb kneaded his throat while his fingers teased the back of his neck. 

 

Tobias heard him gag on his dick. He pushed Ronnie’s head away from his erection, continuing to compress his throat.  

 

Ronnie struggled.  He grabbed both of his hands, pulling them off his neck, but Tobias gripped harder.  He focused on the black curtains, thinking about Keller and his reaction to finding his lover on the floor, dead. 

 

With a swift of hand, he twisted Ronnie’s neck until he heard a snap.  He dropped the lifeless body on the ground. 

 

Ronnie didn’t deserve to die.  He was nothing more than a bystander who happened to hook up with Keller a month after he ‘died.’  Keller lied to him the whole time they were together.  Then he had the nerve to fuck this talentless asshole.

Tobias pulled out a cigarette and lighted it.  He exhaled the toxic smoke while he eyed the corpse. 

 

_“The last time I talked to Chris was a few weeks ago.  I didn’t put two and two together, but hey, don’t want to get into your business.  He’s seeing some idiot named Ronnie Barlog.  I can’t say if they are serious, but they seem happy together.” Ryan blew some smoke out from his lips._

_“Happy together, shit, that’s not gonna last.” Tobias laughed._

_“It might, then again, this is Keller we’re taking about.  He’ll gets bored after fuckin’ ‘em.  So, why you want to know about his little_ girlfriend. _”_

_“I just wanna know.”_

_Ryan raised a brow.  “I hope you’re not one of those jealous ex’s trying to get revenge and shit.”_

_“And if I was, will you tell Chris?” Tobias asked.  He didn’t realize they knew each other from the outside. He hoped Ryan had some loyalty to him._

_“Chris is a good friend.  Ronnie is…a clueless joke.  And I like you.  As long as you don’t get me involved, I don’t care what you do with Ronnie.  Just promise me you won’t kill Chris and I won’t tell him.”_

_“I promise I won’t kill Chris.”_

Tobias crushed the cigarette into the ash tray. He zipped up his pants and left the office.  He hoped Ronnie would make it to the 11 o’clock news, along with Metzger.


	12. Chapter Eleven

“Karl Metzger was last seen on Jefferson Highway at 11:45pm.  If you have any information—”

 

Tobias looked at his phone and answered it.  “Yea.”

 

“Shit, did I call you at the wrong time?” Elliot asked.

 

“No, I was just watching the news. So, how are you?” Tobias looked at the TV and saw Metzger’s photo flashed on his scene.  He smiled before giving his undivided attention to Elliot.

 

“Did I ever tell you I hate being a mall cop?  I’ve been a dedicated cop for twenty four years and now I’ve reduced to telling teens when the mall closes.”

 

“You chose to retire during an economic crisis.  I have no pity for you,” Tobias joked.  Despite the vengeances, anger, and searching for Vern, it was good to hear a familiar voice.  He relaxed, lying back on the bed, looking at the plain ceiling.

 

“Feel a little sympathy for me.  I work from nine in the morning until a couple of hours ago and haven’t had much sleep.  Then I have to wake up later to see Eli.  It hasn’t been a good day for me.”

 

“What you want me to do about it?” He rested his other hand on his chest, slightly above his waist band.

 

 “Well, I had a hard day and I miss you…”

 

Tobias blushed slightly.  “I’ve been gone for three days.”

 

“There’s no one I can talk too…”

 

“Bullshit…”

 

“Make sure that person stay outta trouble.  It’s been lonely.”

 

Tobias knew where he was coming from.  When it was all said and done, it was just Tobias, in the room, alone.  Maybe that was the real risk after he is finished with his past.  After his attack, Tobias spent most of his time alone.  It wasn’t until recently he realized he couldn’t live like that.  He needed closure and when he has it, he can move on and start over, for the better.

 

“As much as I love spending time with my family,” he lied, “I miss you too…”

 

“See, it wasn’t that hard to admit.”

 

Tobias remained quiet on the other line.  “You know what I miss the most.”

 

“Yea.”

 

“You sucking my dick,” he said breathlessly as his hand slipped inside his pants.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yea,” Tobias grinned.  After his little interaction with Ronnie, he needed a release.  It wasn’t as good as being with Elliot in person, but he had to improvise. “I wish you were here with me, on your knees, putting my cock in your mouth.  I can just feel your mouth on my cock, taking me in, inch by inch…” He closed his eyes, licking his lips.  God, he missed him,

 

“What else do you miss?” Tobias could hear the arousal in his voice.  Good, he wasn’t the only one in the mood.

 

“I miss your cock. I want to feel you inside me, fucking me hard…” He thrust his hips upward to match his speed of his hand.  He could see himself straddling Elliot’s lap, rocking his hips.  His hard cock entered him quickly while his hands held Tobias’ hips.

 

“Yea…tell me more of what you miss.”

 

He bit down on his bottom lip as his feet pushed the covers off the bed. 

 

“I’m begging you to go deeper…make me cu—” Tobias glanced at the clock.  _Shit_ , Tobias thought.  He rose from the bed. “Elliot, I have to go…I have to take my Mother to the store.” It was a lame excuse, but he couldn’t be late for his next target.

 

“Goddamnit, Tobias, just when—”

 

“I will make it up to you when I get back.” Tobias promised.  He took off his pants and threw it across the room.

 

“You better, Beecher.”

 

Tobias almost tripped over one of his pants’ leg.  “I will, Elliot.  In the meantime, think of my mouth on your cock. Bye.” He hung up the phone.  He shouldn’t have lead Elliot on, but he lost track of time.  He will make it up to him when everything is over. 

 

He put on his shirt and jacket.  He grabbed his keys, ready to leave the room until his eyes landed on Metzger’s photo.  His accomplishment paid off and now, all he has to do was wait for _him_ to find him.

 

Tobias turned the TV off and locked the doors.  His next target was waiting for him.

 

**~*~**

 

Hank Schillinger sat at the back of the bar.  He drank his beer, eyed the busty waitress and waited for his dealer.  He promised his father he would quit that shit, but every time he does, something comes up.  When his wife and kid left, he shot up meth.  When he killed some guy’s wife and kid, he smoked crack.  And when he finally killed the guy who got his father into trouble, he snorted cocaine. 

 

_“What are you doing?  Take anything from this house.  Please, don’t hurt us,” the wife cried._

Hank rubbed his face.  He’s been shooting up more often since that night.  Not that he felt guilty that some guy’s wife and kid died, he just can’t forget it.  Lately, he’s been feeling nervous.  He tried to call his Dad, but he won’t return phone calls.  Maybe he still hated him for screwing up his plan two years ago, or shooting up, or both.  He couldn’t help it that the guy lived.  He must’ve been a magician or something.

 

He looked at himself on the beer bottle.  The bags under his eyes gave him a great indication he wasn’t doing so well in life.  He wanted to leave this hick town and start anew.  Instead, he’s a junkie with a fucked up father and a fucked up life.  Now he’s seeing the people he killed in his own damn dreams.

 

He wondered what Andrew’s doing.  He hoped the fucker is doing better than he is right now.  Maybe he’s in film school or locked up in his own room, shooting up too.  They were both fucked up.

 

“Is this seat taken?” A grizzly bearded man asked.

 

“No one’s sitting there.  So I guess you can,” He blew smoke out of his lips.  He wasn’t in the mood to talk, well maybe to get the waitress’s number, but he rather be left alone after he get his hit.

 

“Nice crowd.”

 

“So-so.  It’s better on Saturday’s night.  More people gettin’ drunk, fightin’, dancin’, or fuckin’ in the back room.  Right now, pretty quiet.” 

 

The grizzly beard man nodded, tapping his feet to the beat. 

 

Hank looked at the door and no one came through it yet.  Where the hell is that Tyrone?  He needed it right now.

 

Soon he saw a little bag of heavy white powder on the table.  Hank looked at the man who just seemed to stare at the stage, listening to the local band.

 

“You’re Tyrone?” Hank asked.

 

The guy nodded.

 

Hank snorted. “Heh, I expected a big ass black guy with a gun or somethin’,” Hank almost touched the bag until Tyrone snatched it away from him.

 

“Tell me about your services.  They say you are the best in getting rid of unwanted people.” He said slowly, still not looking at him.

 

Hank shrugged.  “I’ll do it for the right price.  What you want to know?”

 

“I want to know if you can do a job for me, but I need proof you can do it.”

 

“Well, I was paid to kill this guy’s family and make it look like a suicide.”

 

“And the guy’s name?”

 

_Man, this motherfucker won’t quit,_ Hank thought.  “His name is…Tobias Beecher.  He was supposed to defend my pops up north for killing this nigger.  He dropped out and reported him to the Feds when his other secrets came to light.  So, he wanted the lawyer to pay.  He gave me the address and I waited until the wife came home.  She had some baby with her.

 

“I got out of the car, banged on the door and she opened it.  She screamed until I hit her upside the head.  I was totally…I was doing direct orders.  She tried to beg for me not to kill her or her little boy.  Hell, why should I? I got a job to do.

 

“I knocked her out again and she was out cold this time.  I dragged her ass to the garage, started the car, made sure the windows were down and garage’s door closed”

 

“What about the kid?”

 

Hank cleared his throat.  That was another thing he didn’t want to remember.

 

“What about the kid?” the man raised his voice slightly, catching Hank off guard.

 

“I slit his throat.  I saw him in his room.  He was asleep. Instead of suffocating him, I slit it, made it look like the wife gone crazy.” _I was high and didn’t give a damn about the kid.  No one did for me,_ Hank thought.  He pulled out another cigarette and lit it.  There were things he just wanted to forget and no amount of drugs can help with that.

 

Hank watched the man from the corner of his eye.  Tyrone was like a statue, frozen, nothing happening to him.  Hank wasn’t sure if the man wanted to kill him or leave or what.  Hank took a deep drag and blew out the smoke.  The nervous feeling started to show and part of him wanted to leave.

 

“I will pay you $50,000 to do a hit for me.  Let this packet be your down payment.”

 

Hank raised a brow.  “You’re hiring me on the spot?”

 

“I can find someone else,” The man took the packet, but Hank grabbed his wrist.  The man looked back with a cold frown on his face. 

 

“I can do it, Tyrone.  I…just need…”

 

Tyrone smiled.  “We can talk more in my car.” 

 

Hank should’ve just let the man go on his way, but one look at the drugs and he lost again.  One more hit and he will leave this fucking town and go to rehab, make something of himself.  Maybe he will find his Pops and brother.  His brother needed him.  He needed his father.  He needed a new start, away from the Brotherhood.

 

Hank nodded as he followed the man out of the bar and into his car.

 

The next time Hank was seen, he was pushed out of the car and into a ditch in the middle of nowhere.  He landed on the ground face up, with a needle inside his arm. The look of agony and fear was shown on his face.  His once Aryan blue eyes were dull and there was no more life in the body.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias kept his eyes on the endless road.  The dark baritone voice of Johnny Cash played in the background.  As much as he hated country and prefer something slow and down tempo, he can’t be choosy. 

 

But Tobias wished he killed Hank with his own hands and not that shitty homemade coke.  He gripped the steering wheel, his wife’s last moments was taken away from her.  And Vern ordered it.  He always knew he did it, but to have it told to him as if it was nothing, he wanted to ring Hank’s little neck and cut him up.

 

And Gary’s, his only child, throat was slit.  Tobias narrowed his eyes, trying his best not to remember.  Trying his best not crash into anything just to ignore the pain he felt inside. 

 

As for Vern, he had something in store for him.  Two more stops before he can finally have one last battle with him.  He wanted to see him beg for his life, regret ever fucking with him.

 

Tobias saw his motel room near his left.  Three motel switches in less than five days, he was on a record.  He wished he could enjoy his stay, see the city, but it had so much memory, especially bad ones.  He just wanted to get the job done and return home.

 

Home.  He finally called New York home.  After the incident, he felt alone, nothing for him to do except wait for death.  He was a hermit, not wanting to leave his apartment for anything.  But when he finally left his apartment, he finally found something to live for.  He had friends, a potential lover, family who wanted him in their lives.  Yet, he couldn’t see it.  He was still living in fear and in the past. 

 

Tobias didn’t want to live like a hermit anymore.  Once his father died, he had to make a change.  Each person he killed brought him some form of peace.  Maybe Sister Pete was wrong…

 

_Or maybe she is right.  It was your fault Gen and Gary died.  You should have—_

Tobias shook his head.  He was not about to give in.  Yes, it was his fault for their deaths, but he was fixing it.  They would not have to die in vain.  He was going to kill those fuckers and finally kill Vern.

 

He parked his car in the parking lot and walked upstairs.  He opened the door and quickly locked it.  He turned on the lights over his head and threw his coat at a nearby chair.  He sat on the edge of the bed, taking out his messenger bag and pull out the picture of Hank. 

 

Like he did last time, he held the picture next to the lighter and let it burn.  He was so close to his goal that he could taste.  Metzger’s dead.  Andrew’s dead.  Hank’s dead.  All he needed to do is kill The Judge and…

 

The heaviness of his eyes indicated to him that he needed sleep.  He haven’t been sleeping for the last couple of days.  Two to four hours of sleep, than wake up and get to work.  Maybe he will get sleep when everything is over. 

 

Tobias put his things away and laid on the bed.  He turned off the lights and closed his eyes.  Hopefully he will have sweet dreams…

 

Knock. Knock.

 

Tobias woke up quickly.  He looked directly at his door.

 

Knock. Knock.

 

Tobias grabbed the gun from underneath his pillow and pointed at the door. Maybe his next target finally found him. 

 

Knock. Knock.

 

He stood behind the door.  With one hand, he turned the knob, held his gun to the side.

 

“I’m coming.” Tobias said, holding the gun steady.  He had his finger on the trigger, ready to put a bullet through his target’s head.  He took a deep breath and quickly opened the door.

 

Tobias aimed the gun at the intruder.

 

“Tobias…”

 

Tobias lowered his gun and knew he fucked up.

 

“Come in, Kareem.”


	13. Chapter Twelve

Tobias closed the door behind Said as he leaned against it. 

 

_How did he find me?_ Tobias asked mentally.  Although he told Said about his trip to Lexington, he didn’t tell him his exact whereabouts.  He made damn sure Said or anyone would guess his exact locations or his true intentions. 

 

Tobias watched Said observing his motel room.  It resembled that of a war zone than a recently checked in room.  Said picked up a takeout box and saw some clothes on the chair.  He turned to Tobias.

 

“I thought you were a neat freak…”

 

Tobias shrugged. “I’ve been busy.” Then he asked, “How did you find me?”

 

“I was in a conference in Lynchburg, networking with other legal aid non-profits.”

 

_Shit, I forgot._ Tobias remembered Said rented a car for a business conference a couple of days ago. 

 

“Adulda and I saw your car at Roadhouse Bar and Grill.  You were with a man and—“

 

“And you decided to check up on me? Tell me who I can fuck?” As much as he loved Said, he really wanted him to leave. He had a job to do and he needed to prepare for it. 

 

“You picked up a man from a white supremacist bar.”

 

“Maybe I have a Nazi fetish.” Tobias pulled out a cigarette and offered one to Said.  He declined and Tobias put the stick in his mouth while sitting on the bed.

 

“Don’t play games with me, Tobias. Why were you at Roadhouse Bar?” Said faced him.

 

Tobias paused.  If he told him the real reasons, Said would tell him to stop and drag his ass out of the motel.  If he lied, Said will know and use it against him.  Tobias didn’t know what say, but he wasn’t ready to leave.  Business came first.

 

“You remember when we were in college.  We stayed up all night, writing our thesis papers.  It was before you converted to Islam.”

 

Said sighed. “Please don’t change the subject.”

 

Tobias smiled.  “It was almost five in the morning and our next class was in two hours.  We took a break and sat on top of the Milton Library’s roof.  We wanted to watch the sunrise as a celebration of our hard work.  Before the sunrises, you—”

 

“Tobias,” he leaned against the wall. “It’s in the past.  We were just kids.”

 

“We were adults…who wanted more.  I found out more about myself that year than my whole life.”

 

“So this is what you’re doing,” Said glared at him, eyes darkened, “You’re trying to… find yourself in this city by picking up some guy and…doing that.”

 

“No.”

 

“Then what?” he asked ferociously.  “Help me understand.”

 

“I want to put my past behind me, Kareem.  Like you did.  I want to wake up and feel normal and not have to worry about seeing Vern or Chris or The Judge or anyone who fucked me over.  Even if I…”

 

“What?”

 

Tobias shook the thought away. “Nothing.  I want to move on and if I have to do questionable things, so be it. I’m not like you.” He let the last words sting.  There was so much between them when they were young.  He loved Said, like a brother, but he had to get him out of the way.  He had to find his own way to move on.  Not Sister Pete’s way, not Elliot’s way, not Said’s way, his way and nothing will stop him from reaching his goals.

 

Said crossed his arms over his chest, making him appear like a soldier, a protector.  His fingers played with the cloth as he stood still and quiet.

 

Tobias sighed.  He finished the cigarette and placed it on the ashtray. 

 

“You’ll risk your own life just to find that closure?” Said asked.  His face softened, made him appeared younger and vulnerable. 

 

Tobias never looked at it that way.  He never thought beyond Vern’s death or any of the men’s deaths.  He chuckled.  Sister Pete may have point after all.  He was never the type of person to think beyond the immediate. 

 

“It’s a risk I’m prepared to take.”

 

Said frowned.  He sat next to him.  Said hutched over, resting his face in between his hands.  He exhaled. “I tried to help you.”

 

“And I’m glad you did.  But now, I have to help myself.” Tobias faced him. 

 

“I’ll pray you find the peace you want so much.  And I hope you come back to New York, alive.” Said whispered.

 

Tobias wrapped his arm around Said waist.  Said raised a brow but, for once, he didn’t object.  Instead he embraced it while not pushing him away.  Tobias knew he will not say anything about it when they are in New York, but at least he got his acceptance. 

 

They remained quiet for ten minutes, each in their own world. Tobias was glad for the small amount of peace between them.  He knew what he was doing, even if he may not have Said’s support, just being near him made him feel stronger. 

 

In his mind, Tobias saw the stern expression on Vern’s face.  Tobias smiled.  One more point for him.

 

Said rose from the bed and headed towards the door.  Tobias joined him.

 

“I hope you have a nice night, Tobias.”

 

“You too, Goodson.” He grinned.

 

Said ignored his old name as he patted Tobias on the back and left the motel room.

 

Tobias closed the door and leaned against it.  _Maybe you should go back home and repent.  This will hurt you in the future._

Tobias laughed.  If it hurt him in the future, he will deal with it when it comes.  Right now, he needed sleep and continued with his mission in the morning.

 

Tobias almost went to the bed until he heard a knock on the door.  He sighed in frustration. 

 

“Kareem, if you wanted to spend the night you can—”

 

The last thing Tobias saw was a wood board crashing to his skull.

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias slowly opened his eyes.  At first, it was blurry then he was able recognized shapes and sizes.  Soon he was able to see details.     

 

He saw numerous streetlights and stone rail in front of him.  The wind blew against his body which caused him to shiver uncontrollably.  He groaned.  His head throbbed.  He tried to rub his it, but he couldn’t raise his arms.

 

When Tobias thought about, the whole scenery looked too familiar. 

 

_“Let’s see if he can swim…”_

 

Tobias’ eyes widened in shock.  _No,_ he thought, looking fanatically at either side of him.  Two huge men, one with blonde hair and the other bald, pinned him to the ground, guns strapped to the side of their hips.  He looked in front of him and saw Said standing near the rail.  His hands were tied in front of him as a noose hung around his neck. 

 

“Kareem!” he cried through the thick tape over his lips.  He pulled from the two men’s grip, but it took a punch in the nose to force Tobias down.  He quickly regained his composure, looking at Said, praying he could reach him and save him.

 

“Good, he’s awake.” Tobias turned his head and saw James Robson, the last man on his hit list.  Unlike his photo, Robson was completely bald, thicker around the abdomen.  He was still the same scheming man from his memories and on the DVD. 

 

_“Let me, Vern.  I need to do this.”_

_“Fine…do it.”_

_Robson looked directly at Tobias.  He smirked; cracking his knuckles and proceeded to beat him.  Each punch caused Tobias ball into a fetus position.  But it didn’t stop Robson to lift him from the ground and pinned him to the wall._

_He punched him in the stomach then undercut his chin.  He switched from his stomach to chin until Tobias fell on the ground, barely breathing.  Robson raised his feet over his head…_

Robson squatted until he was at Tobias’ eye level.  Robson smirked, waving a knife in front of him.

 

“Tobias Beecher, we meet again.  I thought you were dead, but you are hard to get rid of.” He looked at the knife, “What should I do with you.  I guess beating you up didn’t do shit. So I guess I have to…” Robson cut Tobias’ cheek.

 

Tobias narrowed his eyes, not yelling in pain.  He wasn’t about to let Robson win.

 

“You know, I tried to get Vern to put you outta your misery.  Throwing you into water was just a mercy kill.  But he wanted to make you suffer.  I agreed with him, although he should let me be the one to slit your throat and then threw your punk ass over the bridge.  We wouldn’t be in this shit.”

 

Tobias saw this coming from a mile away.  He expected Robson to come for him.  He was the type of man who killed without asking questions.  When Metzger’s picture appeared on the news, it was only a matter of time before Robson would come for him.  And Tobias was waiting for him.  He just didn’t know Robson would come to him with some backup or hold Said as a hostage.

 

“I know you baited me, Beecher.  You killed Metzger to get me out of hiding.  But guess what, I knew.  After you killed Andrew and took the ‘Operation Tobias Beecher’ DVD, I knew you were coming for us.  And I would have not seen you at the motel if it wasn’t for that coon.” Robson pointed at Said. “Now you get to watch him die.” He laughed.

 

Tobias refused to allow it to happen.  Tobias had to think of a way to save him, even if it meant dying in his place. 

 

“Look at me, Beecher,” Robson gripped his chin, “you will die tonight.  I will make sure you never come back.”

 

_Tobias’ body fell from the bridge._

Tobias shook his head.  It wasn’t going to end like this.  He wasn’t about to die again.  He wasn’t about to witness Said’s death.  He moved his wrist against the rope.  He bit his lower lip, keeping the scream in the back of his throat.

 

He looked at Said who had his eyes closed.  He saw his lips moving, as if praying.  He wished Said looked at him. 

 

_“You risk your own life just to find that closure?”_

 

He wasn’t about to lose another person he loved. 

 

Robson pulled him off the ground.  His two men held Said on either side.

 

“See him, Beecher? You could have prevented it.  If you just never opened you mouth and betrayed Vern, you would still had your family.  But no, you had to do it.  Say goodbye to that nigger.”

 

Said opened his dark eyes and faced Tobias.  For one second, Tobias felt a connection.  They were entwined, joined together by a common thread.  Tobias knew what Said thought and he trusted it. 

 

Said nodded his head.  Tobias understood. 

 

“Okay boys, dropped him.”

 

The men were about to lift Said over the bridge.

 

“I don’t think so,” Said used his tied hands to hit the blonde man across the face.  He ducked when the bald one tried to punch him.  Said moved swiftly, elbowed the man in his chest.

 

“Oh fuck no,” Robson mumbled under his breath. 

 

_Last chance,_ Tobias thought.  He elbowed Robson in the abdomen and kicked him to the rail. 

 

Tobias broke free from the ropes and went to his friend.  But before he got a chance, blondie—who now had a bruise on his face— came after him.  He threw few punches as Tobias ducked repeatedly, trying to watch out for his next move. 

 

When he missed Tobias again, Tobias took the opportunity to aim at his throat. He heard the blonde’s bones cracked as he fell to his knees breathing for air.  Tobias kicked him against his temple before elbowing him on the skull. 

 

The blonde landed on his back, motionless. 

 

Opposite of Tobias, Said had the other man in a headlock.  He tightened his grip, choking him until he stopped stirring.  He dropped the man from his arms and met Tobias’ glance.

 

Tobias quickly ran to his aid. He took the noose off his neck and undid the ropes.  Said rubbed his wrist.

 

 “You’re okay,” Said asked, breathlessly.

 

Tobias almost answered until he saw Robson held up a gun, aiming at his friend.

 

“Kareem, watch out.” Tobias pushed Said to the ground, but the bullet went through the side of Said’s chest.  Both men fell to the ground, Tobias on top of Said. 

 

Said hissed, holding his fresh wound.  Tobias panicked.  He wasn’t sure what to do.  He couldn’t afford to lose him. 

 

“Tob…”Said groaned. 

 

“You’re gonna be okay,” Tobias kept saying.  His mind raced, He tried to figure out his next move.

 

Then the gun clicked.

 

Tobias looked over his shoulder and faced Robson.  He stood with the gun pointed at the middle of his head.

 

“Get up and face me like a man.”

 

Tobias rose from the ground.  He heard Said’s cries of pain which made his heart sink.  But it also made his blood boil.  Robson shot Said.  He was not about to let this fucker walk.

 

Tobias ran towards him and swung at Robson, landing a hit against his chest. 

 

Robson wiped the blood from his lips as he threw punches at Tobias.

 

Tobias blocked Robson‘s punches with his arms, swaying back and forth.  He tried to calculate Robson’s next move, but it was proven difficult.  When Robson tried to hit him at his sides, he blocked with his arms.  When Robson tried to hit him at his face, Tobias blocked him with his fists.  He had to figure out how to gain the upper hand.

 

He walked backwards.  He kept his eyes on Robson.  Suddenly Robson knocked him out.  Tobias fell to the ground, hitting his head.  He saw Robson standing over him.  He grinned as he tried to place his feet over his head.

 

Tobias saw his moment and decided to go for it.  He rose his feet and kicked him in his balls.  Robson held onto him as Tobias used his feet to kick him behind his knees. Tobias jumped up and hit him.  Robson landed on the ground and Tobias jumped on him, beating him without missing a beat. 

 

Bang.

 

For trying to kill Said.

 

Bang.

 

For trying to kill his family.

 

Bang.

 

For trying to kill him.

 

Tobias’ hands was stained red and bruised.  He lost track of the number of times he punched Robson.  All he knew was he had to make him pay.

 

_Robson kicked him in his stomach…_

Tobias gripped the back of his head and smashed his head against the ground.

 

_“This is fun…”_

“Fuck you!” he screamed, blood splashing upon his face. 

 

_“You will never forget about me…”_

 

“Tobias!”

 

Tobias froze.  Everything seemed to stop. The water, the wind, his own body and all that was left was Said’s voice and Tobias’ thoughts.  He stepped away from Robson’s motionless body. 

 

“Tobias, it’s over,” Kareem said, hutched over, holding onto his side.

 

“Kareem, he deserved it,” Tobias exclaimed.  His whole body shivered in rage.  All he could see was red and wanted the color to go away.

 

“He’s not worth it. None of them are.  Learn and move on, you got your closure,” Said said calmly.

 

“Robson tried to kill you!”

 

“I’m okay, Toby.  I will live.  He won’t.”

 

Tobias looked back at Robson. He wanted so much to finish whopping his ass. He felt it deep within his bones.

 

He flinched when Said touched him, leading him away from the body. 

 

They slowly walked away from the scene.  Tobias put Said’s arm around his neck, helping him walk.  They were almost away from the bridge until Robson knocked Tobias’ down with the butt of his gun.

 

Tobias and Said both fall to the ground.  Tobias tried to get up but each punch brought him down.  He tried to block the punches but Robson hands gripped his neck.

 

Robson dragged him to the rail of the bridge. He pushed his body over it, half over the bridge, half not.  Tobias saw the waters underneath him as the pressure upon his neck made it harder to breathe.

 

“You remember this.  You’re hanging above the bridge.  Except your arms and legs were broken.  But this time, I will make sure you will not come back alive.” Robson’s face was covered in red, like the Devil.  He strangled Tobias, slowly shoving him over the bridge.  

 

Tobias struggled for air.  He used his arms and feet to push him away.  And when he did, he kicked Robson off him.  Tobias caught hold of the rail, kneeling on the ground, breathing for air.  He heard his footsteps coming towards him. 

 

Robson pressed the gun to his forehead.  “Say goodnight.” Robson declared, his fingers on the trigger.

 

Tobias took a deep breath.  This was it.  He was going to die. He didn’t want it to end this way. He wanted to kill Vern, go back to New York and live.  He wanted to live, to feel normal again.  He didn’t want to blame himself for his loved ones death.

 

As his life flashes before his eyes, a certain level of anger settled on him.  All he wanted was to find closure.  At the end, Vern lived, Said is injured, and he was fucked. 

 

The smile on Robson’s face faded away.  Blood spilled out of his mouth as he dropped to knees and slowly fell on his stomach.

 

Tobias stared at Robson’s body.  He didn’t know what to do.  He was paralyzed with fear, afraid Robson will raise and finished the job. 

 

Tobias looked away from his body and saw Said who held the gun at Robson’s direction.  He was about to fall to his knees, but Tobias caught him.  He wrapped his arms around his waist, keeping him standing.

 

“We need to get you to a hospital.”

 

“I’m fine, Tobias…”

 

“No, we gotta go.” Tobias whispered. 

 

They slowly walked away from the three dead bodies, each holding a secret of how they died.  Tobias kept his eyes on the road.  He saw the gun on the ground and decided to pick it up.  He looked at the water and realized how beautiful it was against the dark sky.  The water sparked under the moonlight as Tobias threw the gun into the water.  He barely heard the splash it made as he aided Said.

 

There were many things running though his mind.  Where was the nearest hospital?  How will they get there?  Who else was going to come for them?  Will Said make it?  The last question caused Tobias to tremble.  He had to save Said.  It was his fault Said was in this mess.  He was bleeding, on the verge of passing out.  He had to grab the gun and throw it into the water. 

 

Tobias looked at the sky and prayed.  He prayed that Said will make it. He prayed they will find a hospital.  He prayed for deliverance. 

 

They left the gory scene, symbolically, leaving the past behind.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Tobias tore a piece of his shirt and wrapped his hand around it.  He hit it through the window.  Said leaned against the wall, still applying pressure on the wound and breathing heavily.  Tobias knew they didn’t have much time as helped Said to the car.

 

Said raised a brow, silently objecting to Tobias’ current action.  He parted his lips to speak until Tobias stopped him.

 

“Don’t argue with me, Kareem.  This is the only way unless you want to bleed to death.” Tobias shut the door before he heard Said’s response. 

 

Tobias got in the driver’s side and ripped off the wiring harness connector underneath the steering wheel.  He yanked out the wires, pressed the red and brown wires slightly together and the car achieve ignition. He sighed in relief, he was thankful he watched Ryan hotwire cars during their numerous high danger adventures together.  Tobias still condemned it, but he was desperate.  He couldn’t waste time walking to the hospital or waiting for the bus. 

 

In spite of the pain, Said gave him a questioning look.  Tobias ignored him as he pressed the gas petal and drove away from the side of the street.

 

Tobias kept his eyes on the road, looking for a hospital.  He glanced at Said.  He rested on the slightly lowered seat, his hands applying pressure unto the wound.  He prayed softly, keeping his eyes closed.

 

Tobias hated seeing Said in pain.  Before they found a car, Tobias did the best of his ability to fix Said’s wound.  He saw the wound: deep, the blood outlined Said’s chest.  He almost looked away, but kept dressing the wound with the sleeve of his shirt.  As he drove on the near empty road, the guilt started settling in.  He should have done so much more to protect Said.  He had to make sure no one would find him or know his current location.  He didn’t want anyone to die or suffer for his actions. 

 

Perhaps Sister Pete was right all along.  He never thought before he reacted.  Everything was a reaction to him, but one couldn’t blame him for trying to stop the internal deadly dialogue inside his mind. 

 

He never thought his actions would include Said getting hurt in the crossfire. 

 

Tobias wiped the sweat from his forehead.  He kept his eyes on the road and Said.  He passed many buildings, none was of his destination.  He jumped slightly, hearing Said hissed in agony.  Tobias panicked mentally.  He had to find a hospital…

 

At the end of the street, Tobias spotted the Ambulance sign.  He was getting closer to his destination.

 

“Kareem, stay with me.  Please, stay with me. Okay.”

 

“O…okay…” Said groaned. 

 

Tobias drove to the front entrance of Lexington Hospital.  There were plenty of people outside doing variety of tasks.  He didn’t care about them: he wanted Said to get help.  He parked the car and quickly opened the door and aided Said out of the car. 

 

Immediately hospital staffs helped Tobias bring Said into the hospital’s lobby.

 

“Do you know what happened to him, Sir?” asked one of the nurses. 

 

“He was shot…these Nazis were fighting and my friend got caught in the crossfire.  Help him please!” Beecher cried.  He followed them down the narrow hallway.  Said laid on the rolling bed as each nurse hooked him onto many machines and checking his vitals. 

 

“Someone needs to check this man’s wounds,” one of the nurses pointed out.

 

“I’m fine, just help Kareem!” Tobias jerked from their touches. All he wanted to do is stay at Said’s side. 

 

They rolled him through the operation.  One of the nurses prevented Tobias from entering it.

 

“Wait outside, sir.   We will let you know of his status.  Just wait outside.”

 

“You don’t understand, he’ll needs me and—“

 

“I’m sorry, sir.  We will inform you when he’s out of surgery.  In the meantime, get yourself checked up.” The nurse insisted. 

 

Tobias leaned against the wall, rubbing his face.  He sat on the floor, refusing to break down.  He never meant for this to happen.  He was supposed to go to the small town, kill his tormentors and leave in one piece.  Now he was in the hospital, waiting for Said to make it.

 

“God, please, let him…” This was a nightmare.  He put his friend in danger.  It was his fault.  He should have protected him. 

 

He rested his head against the wall, praying to God that Said will be fine.  He can’t lose Said, not now. 

 

Tobias waited in the family lobby.  His wounds were either bandaged or stitched, but his mental health on the verge of a breakdown.  He pressed his head in his hands, tapping his feet on the floor, hearing it echoed through his eyes.  Five hours and he still haven’t heard from the doctors. 

 

_“You have a tendency to not think about the big picture. You act upon your impulses and feel guilty later.”_

_“You’d risk your own life just to find that closure?”_

_“Let’s see him swim…”_

_“I never loved you…”_

“Mr. Brockman?”

 

Tobias opened his eyes, trying to get used to the fake name. He saw Dr. Reynolds, the doctor who worked on Said in the operation room.  She still wore her green scrubs while a net covered her full, curly hair.  Tobias breathed heavily, pulse quickened as he stood from his seat.    

 

“Mr. Brockman, Mr. Truman—”

 

“Kareem Said, it’s his legal name.”

 

“Okay, Mr. Said is out of surgery.  We were able to remove the bullet from his chest.  If it went farther, it would have damaged an artery.”

 

“Can I see him?” Tobias asked. 

 

“He’s sleeping at this time, but you can see him. Okay?” She smiled.

 

Tobias nodded as he shook her hand in gratitude.  _He lived,_ Tobias thought, _he lived._

As Dr. Reynolds left, Adulda ran passed her.  He looked at Tobias, worriedness written all over his face.

 

“Tobias, what happened to Kareem?”

 

“He…had been in an accident.  I will tell you the rest later.  Just go in and keep him company.” Tobias left the room quickly.

 

“Where are you going, Tobias?” Adulda caught up with him.  He gripped his forearm, hoping to get him to stop.

 

Tobias tugged away, keeping his eyes on the elevators.  “Tell Kareem I will see him later.  Watch him for me.”  Tobias didn’t hear Adulda’s objection as he got on the elevator. He will return to see Said.  But, for now, he had to finish some business.  Said almost died because of his foolishness and his past.  This time, he was going to make it better, for Said’s sake.    

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias opened the door to his motel.  Everything seemed to be in place.  He walked in the room and pulled out his messenger bag from underneath his bed.  He took out the disc. He held it, looking at its shiny exterior. It held everything from his past.  Everything he hated and wanted to destroy. 

 

He put it in his pocket as he reached for his phone on the nightstand.  He took out his computer and searched for The Judge on “Find Your Man”.  This time the results came back quickly.  He dialed the number onto his phone.  Tobias waited until he heard his voice.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Davis.”

 

“Tobias?  Oh Tobias, it’s good to hear from you.  How’s your moth—”

 

“Cut the bullshit, Davis. I know you’re in town. I want to see you, to end this once and for all.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  You need to get some sl—”

 

“Don’t fucking play games with me! Look, I want to meet at Route 198 in thirty minutes.” Tobias gripped the phone until his knuckles turned pale. 

 

Davis sighed.  “Alright.  I think it’s time we talked.  Give me forty minutes because I’m in the middle of business.  And Tobias?”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t bring no one with you.” And the phone went dead.  Tobias cut his phone off and packed his bags.  He put them in his Sudan and not in the stolen car.  The police would start asking questions if they see him.  Hell, everything that happened in the last couple of days can be connected to him.  He had his plan so perfect, but God always had a way of complicating them.

 

Tobias dropped off his motel room key and drove away from the building.  He kept his eye on the clock.  His mind raced, his thoughts went to Said and the incident a few hours ago.  The police will be at the scene and they had to have their story together, without any holes.  He hoped they do not start to connect the dots with him in town.

 

Tobias was on the endless highway.  He knew this highway did not get much traffic between the hours of six and eight in the morning.  Therefore they were safe.  He slowed down his speed and parked near the Route 198 sign.  He got out of the car and sat on the hood.  No sleep.  No more patience.  He needed to get one more person out of the way before he can go after his real target. 

 

Tobias looked at his watch, waiting for the fucker to come.  Then, at a distant, was a black car cruising down the empty road.  Tobias got off the hood and watched the car parked the opposite of his own.  In one move, The Judge got out of the driver’s seat.  His black large coat made him bigger while the thick non-gelled gray hair appeared dark against his pale skin.  He kept his sunglasses over his eyes as he walked towards Beecher.

 

The Judge tried shaking his hand but Tobias jerked away. 

 

“Tobias, don’t be like that. You know I had no control in what Robson was about to do to you.”

 

“So you knew?”

 

“He wanted to talk to you.” The Judge said plainly. 

 

“He wanted me dead.”

 

“And you didn’t?” The Judge laughed. “Tobias Beecher, you are an open book.  When I told you about your father, I knew you would snap.  It was only a matter of time before you break.”

 

“I didn’t break!” Tobias snapped.

 

“Yes you did. You killed Andrew for a disc in order to find your attackers.  You killed Metzger because he beat you with a night stick.  Then you killed Hank because he murdered your wife and son and Robson for hurting you and your friend.  And now, you are after me.  You have crossed over the moral horizon, Tobias.  You are just like us.”

 

“I will never be like you!” Tobias hissed. 

 

“No, you’re not, but you’re so close.  I underestimated you, Tobias.  You are no longer the weak defense attorney who brought his father shame.  You are a man who wants control, just like me.  The only difference is you kill based on your emotions.  Vern and I kill based on logic and justices.”

 

“Until Vern almost killed you a month ago.”

 

The Judge’s face dropped.  He stared at Tobias, first in denial than into realization, as in confusion.

 

Tobias remained emotionless. “Vern didn’t like you getting close to my mother.  And you didn’t like Vern telling you what to do.  After all the work you have done for him, including bailing his ass out of jail, and this is how he repays you: going after the woman you loved.  He had to go.”

 

The Judge took off his sunglasses and put it inside his coat pocket.  He frowned which send shivers up Tobias’ spine.  He knew the battle is almost over.

 

“Vern’s a good man, but I couldn’t protect him forever.  Like I can’t protect you.” The Judge pulled out his gun from behind his back. He aimed at Tobias, his finger on the trigger.  “I’m sorry, Tobias.  All you needed to do was keep your mouth shut.  You could’ve had your family and I could’ve had my best friend.”

 

Tobias faced The Judge’s gun.  He took a deep breath as his life flashed before his eyes.  From the time he married Gen to hovering over the bridge, Tobias knew it was over. 

 

“I’m sorry too, Davis.  I’m sorry for ending your life before _you_ had the chance to die naturally.”

 

The Judge chuckled as he pulled the trigger.

 

Tobias yanked the gun from out of his back pocket and shot at The Judge.

 

Both men stand their ground, each looking at the other.  When the dust cleared, The Judge smirked.  Tobias smirked as well. 

 

Then The Judge held his stomach as blood trickled from the edge of his lips.  He rose his head, staring at Tobias before he fell to the ground.  Instantly the dark liquid stained the pavement.  His whole body stopped trembling, lying still on the ground. 

 

Tobias looked at The Judge’s body.  He rose his foot above The Judge’s head.

 

“Don’t worry, Davis, Vern will join you soon. For now, enjoy the slow fall to hell.” Tobias stomped The Judge’s head.

 

**~*~**

 

“Kareem will be transferred to Columbia University Hospital in a couple of hours.  He requested it.  He wanted to be close to his wife and son.”

 

“After what he’s been through, I don’t blame him.” Tobias looked at his friend through the door window.  Said sat up against the headboard, reading a book.  Tobias snorted.  Not long ago, he almost died and this is how he celebrates it. 

 

“What happened to Kareem and you?  You told the doctor he was in an accident?” Adulda asked.

 

“He came to visit me last night.  He left and a couple of hours later he called me.  He was in trouble… he was attack by some Aryan fuc—men.” Tobias wasn’t completely lying.  He just distorted the truth.  He knew he was covering his ass, but he was saving Said’s too.  He didn’t need to answer more questions. 

 

“Those racist fucks.” Adulda grumbled.

 

Tobias raised a brow.  “You cuss?  I never thought…”

 

“Not all of us are as devoted as Brother Kareem,” he sighed, “I’m going to get some air.  Tell him, I will see him in a few.”

 

“Alright.” Tobias patted him on the shoulder as he entered the room.  He hated hospitals.  He’s been in them for so long, he rather stay away from them. It reminded him so much of what happened years ago.  And now, he had another reason to avoid them altogether.

 

Tobias leaned against the door, watching his friend reading his book.  Not long ago, he was fighting for his life.  And now, he was alive.  Tobias was glad someone was able to live without being affected by his sins.

 

Said raised his head and smiled at Tobias.  He beckoned Tobias to come be near him.

 

“Tobias.”

 

“Kareem.” Tobias walked towards his side.  “How are you?”

 

“Besides my side throbbing every thirty minutes, I’m fine.  You?”

 

“Good.  Kareem, I’m so—”

 

He held his hand up to stop him. “We are alive, that’s what matters.” He took a deep breath, the pain on his face made Tobias feel guilty.  He will make it up to him.  It may take him a long time, but Kareem deserves it.

 

“I heard you’re going back to New York in a few hours.”

 

“Yes.  As much as Virginia is an _interesting_ place, I rather be upstate, near my family.  Are you going back?  Something tells me you’re not.”

 

Tobias shook his head.  “There is one more thing I need to do, Kareem, before I return.”

 

Said laid back on the bed.  “Tobias…”

 

“I got too. You wouldn’t be in this mess if Vern was still behind bars.”

 

“You are playing Russian roulette with your life.  Has last night not taught you anything?”

 

“It taught me to think one step ahead.” Tobias chuckled.

 

Said rolled his eyes.  “Nothing I say will stop you.” It was a statement not a question.

 

Tobias nodded in agreement.  “I promise you, I will return, alive.”

 

“Will you?”

 

Tobias sighed.  He knew where Said was going.  The guilt still tugged him inwardly.  He should follow his lead and forgive Vern.  But, part of him knew killing Vern would be his redemption. 

 

“I have to go, Kareem.  I’ll see you in New York.” He held his hand and briefly hugged him.

 

“See you soon.”

 

Tobias smiled before leaving the room.  The smile faded away as he walked down the hallway.  There were so much emotions going through him.  He was angry.  He was lost.  He wanted to avenge Said wanted so much and it drove him mad.

 

But one thing was clear: he wanted Vern dead.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Eight hours. 

 

It took Tobias eight hours to drive to New Haven.  Of course he traded cars because there was a chance they could track him down.  Besides the little interlude, it took him eight hours straight to make it to his hometown. 

 

It was dark when he made to Yale-New Haven Hospital. 

 

**_Vernon Schillinger_ **

**_Location: Yale-New Haven Hospital_ **

**_Reasons: He was pushed off a twelve story building.  The only bystanders were Davis Williams and Victoria Elisabeth Rogers-Beecher._ **

Tobias grabbed his bag and pulled the hoodie over his head.  He entered the hospital, making sure no one saw him.  He looked at the sign, figuring out which floor Vern Schillinger was in.  He saw it and raised a brow. 

 

_That can’t be right._ He thought as he went to the elevator.  He waited patiently, taking a deep breath at what he will do next.  It was happening.  He was about to kill him.  After everything Vern done to him, to his family and his friends, Vern will finally pay. 

 

Tobias exited the elevator.  He was on the sixth floor and it was already chaos.  It was crowded, numerous doctors and nurses walked back and forth, checking the patients in and out their rooms.  Tobias knew there will be no distraction as he entered a nearby men’s restroom.

 

Quickly, Tobias locked the door and changed clothes.  He took bandage off his face. The wounds didn’t heal but no one will notice.  The uniform fitted him loosely as it covered the bruises on his arms, chest, and legs.  He put on his fake badge and hid his bag in the trash can.  He left the restroom as if nothing happened.

 

Tobias searched for Vern’s room, each number begin to merge into one.  He bit inside his cheek, feeling like the walls are closing in.  His heart raced, sweat forming under his palms, he could taste the nervousness as he came closer to his destination.  He never thought he would feel nervous.  Happy yes, but never nervousness.  Maybe it was the events from twenty-four hours ago which still had an effect on him.  He wasn’t sure but he kept searching for Vern.

 

Soon Tobias arrived at Vern’s room.  His hands hovered over the doorknob.  He took a deep breath as Vern’s laughing face flashed before his eyes. For four years, he lived in hell, in fear, and in loneliness.  He never thought he would ever live in peace.  Now, he stood at Vern’s door, ending the nightmare once and for all.

 

Tobias opened the door.

 

Vern Schillinger lied on the bed motionless, almost like a vegetable.  He was attached to many different machines which range from checking his vitals to helping him breathe.  Two years ago, Tobias was in that spot, fighting for his life.  Now, the roles had been reversed. Vern was fighting for his life as Tobias held his life in his hands. 

 

Tobias walked slowly towards him.

 

Vern’s eyes widened. 

 

“Yes, Vern, I’m here.”  Tobias stood by his side. 

 

Vern mumbled against the tube. Tobias ignored it as he played with the wires.

 

“I spoke with your friend, The Judge.  He says you’ve been busy. ” Then he leaned forward, looking directly into his eyes. “You killed my wife and son.  You killed my father and you tried to kill me…Well.. you almost did.”

 

Tobias heard Vern’s mumblings.  He gripped Vern’s night gown, almost had his neck.

 

“Two years I kept having these nightmares about you.  I keep looking behind my back, thinking you’re after me again.  I didn’t have a life thanks to you.  But not anymore.  I’m not going to let you win,” Tobias released him and pulled out the vial and needle.  “No, I came here to make sure you will never breathe again.”

 

Vern moved hysterically on his bed, trying to move away from Tobias.  Tobias was surprised to see Vern so…scared, fearing for his life.  It gave him great pleasure to know he had so much power over him. 

 

Tobias gripped Vern’s arm.  He spotted a popped vein on Vern’s arm.  He inserted the needle inside the vial and squirted some of the liquid out.  He grinned.

 

“Funny what a few connections can do for you.” He chuckled.  He increased his hold on Vern’s arm and inserted the needle inside his veins.  Vern squeezed his eyes shut, shaking with fear.   

 

As soon as Tobias emptied the syringe, the machines went berserk. The beeping noise echoed through the room, giving Tobias comfort in what he will do next.

 

“A little something to paralyze your body, as well as make your body burn from the inside.  When they perform an autopsy on your ass, they will never detect any foul play.”

 

Vern froze.  Like a statue, he couldn’t move, not even to close his eyes.  Instead he looked at one spot and his eyes was on Tobias. 

 

Tobias removed the oxygen mask from his mouth.  He traced his face, feeling the thick, dry skin.  Tobias took the pillow from underneath his head.

 

“I wish there were other ways to put you outta your misery.  I wish I could throw you ass over the bridge like you did me.  But, this is better.  At least you get to watch me kill you.”  Tobias pressed the pillow over his face.  He added more pressure onto Vern’s face.  The machine beeped louder as the red light flashed, indicating that he’s almost dead. 

 

Tobias gritted his teeth, thinking about what happened to him in the last four years.  The pain, the humiliation, the agonizing recovery, and all he could do was think of Vern.  And now, he controlled Vern. He finally had the last laugh.

 

The beeping stopped.  All Tobias heard was the dull, monotone ring.

 

Vern was dead. 

 

Tobias looked at the body and smiled.  The smile he dreamed about doing when he finally killed Vern.  The nightmares were over.  Vern was out of his life for good.

 

He put the pillow underneath Vern’s head and looked at him one last time. 

 

“Have a nice time in hell,” he whispered.  Then he ran out of the room and shouted, “We have a patient in serious condition!”

 

A nurse ran to Vern’s room, trying to revive him.  “What happened?”

 

“I was sent here to check on Mr. Schillinger until I saw him not breathing.  I tried to giving him CPR—”

 

“Dr. Allen, we need your help!  We have a patient who needs resuscitation!” The nurse called, pushing Tobias out of her way.

 

Dr. Allen ran into the room, along with other nurses.  They did the best they could to bring Vern back.  Tobias left the room and merge within the crowd.  He walked to the restroom and grabbed his bag from the trashcan.  He changed into a clean, long sleeved muscle shirt and khaki pants.  He looked at himself in the mirror.  He tilted his head to the side, back and forth, and rubbed his beard. 

 

It was time. 

 

Tobias took out his razor and carefully shaved it off. 

 

After Tobias was done, he splashed water on his face.  He didn’t look like the old Tobias from four years ago or the grizzly bear Tobias of two years.  He was a blend of both and Tobias was fine with it.

 

Tobias threw his bag over his shoulder and left the restroom.  He took the back stairs, walking quickly, passing each floor until he made it to the third floor. 

 

Tobias opened the door, passing each room.

 

“305…307…309.” He stopped in front of the room.  He exhaled, collecting himself, turning off his Crazy Beecher persona.  He knocked on the door, before slowly opening it. 

 

“Tobias!” his mother cried.

 

He smiled. “Hello, Mother.”

 

“Oh Tobias, I missed you so much!” Tobias’ mother hugged her son tightly. 

 

“I missed you too.” He mumbled against her hair. 

 

Angus remained seated.  He waved at Tobias who looked up and mouthed hello.

 

“You look great.  I love that you shaved your beard!”

 

“Thank you, mother.  I thought I just needed a change.”

 

“I see,” she pushed Tobias slightly away from him. She bit her lip. “Tobias…I’m…”

 

“I understand.” Tobias kissed the top of her head. “You were under a lot of stress.  Besides you don’t do well under a lot of pressure,” Tobias joked.

 

“I’ll try not to overreact, Tobias.”  She patted his hand.  Her fingers soothed his skin.  Tobias missed his mother’s touch and the closeness between them. 

 

Tobias squeezed her hand. “I know, Mother.”

 

Angus rose from his seat and looked out the window.  “What is the commotion?”

 

Tobias rose from his mother’s bed and joined Angus at the door.  He knew exactly what was going on.  He hid the smile creeping up his lips. “I don’t know, Angus.”

 

Angus cracked the door slightly opened.  He tapped the nurse on the shoulder who wasn’t in the mood to talk. 

 

“Excuse me, what’s going on?” Angus asked.

 

“We are having an emergency on the sixth floor.  That’s all I can say.” She left Angus dumbfounded.

 

“It doesn’t concern us, Angus.” He patted him on the shoulder and moved him from the door.  Outwardly, he was calm, slightly concerned.  However, deep inside, he was grinning like a madman.

 

Operation Vern Schillinger is complete. 

 

**~*~**

 

Tobias looked out of his old bedroom window and saw the moon.  He didn’t realize how beautiful it was at night.  How it shines against the darkness, symbolically giving him hope.  When there is darkness, there’s always a light, a breakthrough.

 

Tobias sighed.  He held Vern’s photo, staring at the smug look on his face. He was gone.   Never to return.  Tobias burned the picture and threw it in the trashcan.   

 

It was over…

 

Tobias grabbed another picture from his dresser.  He caressed it, almost intimately.  This was truly the last reminisce of his past.  Killing Vern was liberating.  He was able to release the pain he held inside for over four years.  He was able to breath, to live his life without worrying if he will self-destruct.

 

But Keller, he was still part of his old life.  He was the one man he couldn’t get out of his mind.  He’s preventing him from getting close to Elliot, the man he wanted to share the most intimate secrets.  

 

Tobias put the picture down and went to his bag.  He wouldn’t sleep until he sees Keller.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

Chris Keller opened the door to his small apartment.  It wasn’t much, but, until he gets himself together, he will start adding furniture.  Or he could pay his second and fourth wife Bonnie a visit.  She will lend him the money.  They may be divorced, but he knows she still loves him. 

 

Perhaps he should contact Ronnie for some extra money, but the little bitch isn’t returning his calls.  Maybe he wised up and figured out he wasn’t coming back home.  They were officially over since he haven’t returned to Virginia for over six months.  Chris needed a break.  He couldn’t look at Ronnie without thinking about him.

 

Chris wished he could see Tobias and explain everything to him.  To get on his knees and tell Tobias he regretted every action.  He wanted his forgiveness.  The nightmares, his face appearing everywhere he went, Keller couldn’t even sleep anymore.  He tried the pills, the drugs, even fucked very man and woman that came his way, but he continued to see Toby.  He’s always the same, begging for him to help, to love him.

 

_I never loved you…_

Chris was full of shit.  He loved Toby, but he couldn’t betray Vern.  He knew enough to send Chris back to prison.  Chris learned during their time in Launder, never fuck with Vern and you’ll live another day. If only Toby knew…

 

Chris jumped back as the click of the gun echoed through his ear.  He turned the lights on and froze.

 

Tobias sat in the armchair, legs crossed over his lap.  He aimed the gun at Chris’ head.  He dressed in black.  It made him look appealing, sexy even.  Everything changed about him, the once kindness that shone in his eyes were cold and dark.  His old naïve lover was replaced with a machine, ready to strike by order.

 

“Give me one good reason not to blow your fucking head off.” Tobias had his finger on the trigger.  The frown on his face made him older, frightening.

 

Chris didn’t know what Tobias would do to him.  He didn’t want to leave in a body bag, but, at the same time, he wanted Tobias to forgive him. 

 

“I don’t have all night, so start talking.”

 

“Toby, I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you.  I…had to follow orders from Vern.  If not then he would fuckin’ kill me.  You know how crazy he is.”

 

“He killed my family, including my father.  I think I know how crazy he is.”

 

“I should have told you about Vern’s plan.”

 

“Geez, you think.”

 

“When we were riding in the car, I was second guessing the plan.  I didn’t want you to die.  I was thinking of ways to get away from Vern.  Maybe drive pass the town and keep going to New York or move to Europe or something.  It would be me and you, far away from him.”

 

“Instead you offered me like a sacrificial lamb.” Tobias trembled. 

 

Chris knew Tobias was about to break down.  _Good, Toby’s listening._

 

“I loved you, Chris.  I would do anything for you!  I share so many secrets with you that I couldn’t admit to myself.  I left Witness Protection to start a new life with you.  I was over Vern, my wife and son’s death, I was finally happy.  And then you took it away from me when you kissed that Nazi fuck.  Was the money really worth it, Chris?” Tobias voice cracked. 

 

“No, it wasn’t worth it.  I know that now.” Chris slowly walked towards him.  “I dream of you every night…”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

“It’s true, Toby.  Every night I dream of how I could change the past.  I dream about how I tried to save you but I always failed.  That night I failed to protect you.  I should took the bullet.”

 

“Liar!”

 

“Then shoot me, Toby!” He stood in front of him.  He opened his shirt, showing off his chest, where his heart located.  “Fuckin’ do it, Toby.  If you don’t believe me than fuckin’ kill me.” He hoped Toby doesn’t. 

 

Toby’s hands trembled uncontrollably.  The tears came down his cheeks.  Chris had his answer.  He carefully took the gun away from his fingers and put it away.  He held them, pressed them to his lips.

 

“I never meant to hurt you, Tobe.  I love you.  Forgive me.  I will do anything for you to love me again.” He mumbled against his gloved hands.

 

Tobias laid his head on his shoulder and sobbed.  Chris wrapped his arms around his waist as he continued to console him. 

 

It was over.  Toby came back to him.  God gave him a second chance to mend his wrong doings. 

 

“I’m sorry, Toby.” He kept whispering repeatedly.  He held his chin, kissed Tobias’ tears until he found his lips. 

 

Toby was reluctant at first, but with a little nibble along his lower lip, Tobias accepted it. He parted his lips as Chris slipped his tongue inside his mouth. 

 

It was slow, almost innocent, but it changed when Chris dominated the kiss, wanting control. Their passion for each other was still the same.  He thought he lost knowing Tobias’ spots but just like yesterday, he was able to pick it up.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered in between kisses.

 

Tobias responded by pulling out a small, sharp kitchen knife and stabbed him in the back.  Chris froze as each stab paralyzed his body.  Toby pushed him to the floor and continued to plunge the knife inside his chest, not near his heart. 

 

Chris watched in fear and hurt as he lost control of his body.  This wasn’t Toby Beecher, the man he loved to death.  He was taken over by some ghost, a shell of his former self.  What happened to the man he loved?

 

Tobias kneeled to the ground.  His lips were several inches away from Chris’ ear. 

 

“Part of me really wanted to kill you.  I so much wanted you to join Vern and the rest of them in hell, but I couldn’t.”

 

Chris tried to speak but blood spilled from his lips.  Tobias cupped his chin, pulling him close until Chris was at his eye level.

 

“Instead, I want you to suffer the way I did.  Your pathetic ‘I love you.  I never meant to hurt you’ bullshit was really good.  I almost bought it.  You’re just like Vern:  you manipulate just to get what you want.  Speaking of Vern, did you know I killed him?”

 

Chris’ eyes widened. _He couldn’t._ Chris tried to see if Tobias was serious.  But the smirk on is face told him the answer.   

 

“Yes, I did,” Tobias nodded with all seriousness, “And Metzger and Robson and Vern’s two boys and I killed your little girlfriend, Ronnie, too.  I have to say, you could’ve done better.  He can’t suck dick.”

 

“To…b…”

 

“And you better not tell anyone or you’re going to join him.  Unfortunately, I can’t stay too much longer.” Tobias kissed Chris before stepping over him. 

 

Chris gasped for air.  He eyed Tobias who held the door firmly.  He groaned, pleading for Tobias to come back, to help him.  He needed him.

 

With a smile, Tobias shook his head. “No, I won’t help you.  I was so in love with you at one point.  But now, all I want is for you to burn in hell.”

 

Chris heard the door close as he remained still.  Part of him knew he deserved it.  Hell, he had it coming.  However, part of him wished Tobias killed him.  Death was better than to be rejected by the person he loved. 

 

**~*~**

“Hello?”

 

“Hi, Elliot.”

 

“Toby?  You’re finally back.  How’s visiting your folks?” He asked.

 

“Fine.” Tobias leaned against the phone booth.  A cigarette dangled in between his lips as he pressed the cellphone close to his ear.  “Did I wake you?”

 

“Tobe, It’s five in the morning.  What the fuck you think?”

 

“Someone is a little grumpy.” He laughed.

 

“Bite me.”

 

Tobias grinned at the suggestive thought.  “Well, you can afford to lose some hours.  We need to talk.  Meet me downstairs.”

 

“Downstairs?  Tobias, are you at my apartment?”

 

“Look out the window.” A few seconds later, Tobias saw Elliot sticking his head out of the window.  Tobias waved at him. He knew he was a bit angry, but he didn’t care.  He finally got rid of one last baggage from his past. “Come down stairs, please.”

 

“It better be important.” Elliot shut the window.

 

Tobias turned the phone off and waited for him. 

 

A few minutes later, Elliot came down the stairs.  When Tobias looked at him, he was different.  Not just the clothes, well jogging pants and a jacket, but physically different.  As if he didn’t see Keller in him anymore.

 

Elliot raised a brow.  “What?  Look, I just woke up and—“

 

Tobias cupped the back of his head and tugged him closer until there was no space between them.  He caressed the curve and nooks of his necks.  Slowly his fingers found his lips, stroking them, as if it was the first time.

 

“I want you.  No more games. I am ready to explore this _thing_ between us.”

 

“Tobias, are you sure?” Elliot asked.  The doubt and fear shown on his face and evident in his voice.

 

Tobias showed him by kissing him.  The kiss was different.  No more hiding.  No more loneliness.  No more desperate need to ignore his insanity.  It was a kiss of loyalty, trust, and hope.  It was a kiss of new beginnings.

 

Elliot pulled away, catching his breath. “I think we should take this inside. I don’t want any of my neighbors to call the cops.”

 

“Elliot, you are the cop.”

 

“I’m a mall cop.”

 

“The same difference.” He laughed as Elliot dragged him to his apartment.

 

**~*~**

 

Elliot called in sick.  It was a bullshit lie, but after spending all morning in bed together, it was the best lie he came up with.

 

Tobias rose from the bed, about to leave when Elliot wrapped his arms around his waist.

 

“Where you’re going? Leaving so soon…”he cracked a smile.

 

“I need a smoke. I’ll be back soon.”

 

“Okay.”  He released Tobias and turned over on his side, facing the wall. 

 

Tobias ran his fingers through Elliot’s hair.   He smiled as he left Elliot’s room and entered the bathroom.  Tobias turned on the lights and finally had a clear view of his scars.  Besides the bruises from nights ago and new purple ones on his neck, he still looked the same.  His hair was growing back while the five o’clock shadow outlined his jawline.  He should shave again.  Elliot seemed to like it, even preferring his new look.  But it was his body and that wasn’t going to change.

 

Tobias unfolded the picture in his hand.  Keller and him from two years ago. One was in love while the other was lying.  Now, one of them was falling in love and the other was in pain.  Forgiveness is a powerful drug and Tobias used it in his own way.

 

Tobias forgave Vern like he forgave Metzger, Robson, Hank, Andrew, and the Judge.  And if he felt guilty later in life, he will deal with it when it came.  As of the moment, Tobias will regain his life and not become the old Beecher who died two years ago when he fell off the bridge.

 

Tobias lit a match and held the picture towards it.  He watched the flames engulfed the picture, melting it into tiny pieces.  He dropped the remaining photo in the trash.  The faces on them burnt away, never to return again. 

**Author's Note:**

> This has been an amazing journey. The ups and downs, tears and joys, I am happy to finally reach the end of the road and let the whole world see my work.
> 
> ** Acknowledgments: **
> 
> I would like to thank God for giving the strength to write this story. Thank you for keeping me on the straight path, even when I wanted to throw in the towel.
> 
> I also like to thank my beta, Neostarlight, who came just in time. You are a life saver and my knight in shinning amour. Thank you for putting up with me for the last couple of weeks. I love you, girl!!
> 
> Thank you to the mods: ozsaur, trillingstar, and marythefan who allowed me to participated in the Oz Big Bang and answering my questions and concerns. I hope I wasn't a pain in the bottom for you guys. 
> 
> Thank you to my artist, I can't wait to see your work! :)
> 
> And lastly, I love to thank the readers. Thank you for taking the time to read my little story. I hope you guys enjoy this story (because I _enjoyed_ writing it)! 
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo SalemDae_45 (aka Aleanor Black)


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